Whatever it looks like, whatever it feels like

It's a breaking day. Breaking days are... good, sort of. Good in a painful way. Like when you clean out a wound and it stings like heck, but you know you needed to do it. Today is really a continuation of yesterday for me. Which is generally how consecutive weekdays go I guess. As Friday it's a great day to realize the week is almost over and there's this feeling of trying to get it all done before the day is over so the weekend can be truly free. I'll be working tomorrow anyway, but here's the story:

My job is difficult, it's multi-faceted, tedious at times, definitely requires all brainpower I possess. And yesterday I had a conference call that really shot down whatever confidence I had in myself to do this job. The nice lady basically tells that I should be further along on a particular project than I am which threw me into crisis mode. I'm not doing well enough, I can't do this! I am completely unprepared for this kind of job!! Add to that losing my phone, stupid emails, endless ministry and a cold - you pretty much have a walking sack of tears and whining. So, this is where I am today...

After talking with my beautiful mentor, we decided I needed to spend some time with the Lord and we closed my door and she left me to it. Starting off with a wonderful Misty Edwards song I began to just unload. As I sat on my prayer dock in my mind, I began throwing these things out into the water, one by one. And they just kept coming up and I just kept throwing. Projects, grants, jobs, law school, men, church, on and on they kept coming up. And finally, I felt like I had thrown my whole life in and I was just standing there bare and broken and a little bruised from it all. And as I stood there, this line came on in the song "I am Yours, whatever it looks like, whatever it feels like..." And I realized (again!!) that God loved me without any achievement, without any merits, without anything. He loved just as I stood there heaving everything away and all He wanted from me was to seek Him. He was the one who will change me and grow me, He will direct my paths if I choose to acknowledge Him, He will carry these burdens for me. And more than everything, He loves this little girl who keeps trying to live her life by her standards and He will gladly reach down and strip away all the ropes she binds around herself to keep from truly enjoying the life He's given her.

So, rope-free as I am now, I want to go forward today with a renewed sense of simple. A joy in just being me. An ever-growing love for my Abba Daddy, who walks with me today and every day. Sometimes, He even has to carry me for awhile, but He'll be there to do it if that's what it takes to keep me moving in His direction...

Why Law?

As I walked today (see my new blog The Skeptical Psuedolete for details), I was struck by a pretty deep thought. Do I REALLY want to go to law school? Why do I want to? Granted, I am reading the book "One L" which describes one guy's first year in law school at Harvard and it sounds pretty intense. But what keeps coming up in my mind is how it seems all the people he is meeting in his section are so brilliant and had good grades and were so successful. And I remember that I got a measly 23 on ACT and a 3.2 undergraduate GPA. Not to mention my intimidation of discussions with people I know to be smarter than me. Can I truly make up for all of that with more studying and hard work? Can I maintain the pace? Why am I even doing this?!?

So, I figured I needed to lay out my own case and what better place than my blog, right? So here are my points in order of importance to me and my desire to be a lawyer:

1. Knowledge

I love learning. i love reading. I love writing. I simply love having knowledge and processing and thinking really. You've seen my thoughts laid out here from time to time and you know it's how I process the ideas in my head. I just love knowing stuff to help me process because then I will have a fuller understanding of the implications of my decisions.

2. Advocacy

I am articulate and relatively intelligent I believe. I know for a fact that I can probably say what you are thinking or feeling better than you can. Sounds kind of haughty and conceited, but it's probably true. And I mean that in a nice way of course... So, I understand and see things from someone else's perspective and give voice to what is going on. As a grantwriter I have had plenty of experience writing to specific audiences and goals for funding. I understand how to manipulate words and ideas to meet criteria and really show off the vision of programs we are trying to get funded. it may sound slightly like I'm catering, and I am, but there's just a drive to get the message out. And I love the idea that I could be an advocate for someone who may not be able to speak clearly for themselves. Or at least aid in their understanding of the fuller picture beyond their world so they can see what is truly at stake. I got a smile in my heart just writing that...

3. The Title of "Lawyer"

I am not good at accomplishing goals I set for myself. I try, but it just never quite gets done. Whether a diet or a reading plan or daily devotions, I just never stay on track and end up falling off the program. My dad calls me a quitter, but I know somewhere deep inside this weak flesh, there's a winner waiting to emerge!! (Could that sound any cornier?) I ask myself, if law is my dream, why not pursue it? Not to mention, Dad can't really call me a quitter if I have the title, now can he?

So, overall, there are many factors that contribute to my thinking of late about this profession. Whether my age creeping up to that 30 mark, my love for the job I currently have, or just the drive to actually be what I want to be for once in my life. So many things play a part and shape my desire to be a lawyer. So, that all being said, let's hope this blog will be inspiring to me in a couple years when I'm wading through cases and contracts, endless reading and what I'm beginning to fear most, the Socratic method of teaching...

Greener Grass?

In Genesis 3, mankind falls. Sorry if I ruined the story for you... But, I was reading the story of how it went down and I saw myself standing there. Innocent as Eve and then the serpent comes along.
"Evening Cassandra. Lovely night, huh? So, what was it God said you shouldn't have? Oh, those thoughts? Those feelings? Hmm, yeah, He did say something about lust and coveting, didn't He? Well, didn't He also say something about it not being good for man to be alone? I mean, wouldn't He want you to be with someone? And if so, wouldn't it be better to understand what that might be like when it happens? He doesn't want you to be lonely, right?"
And so, I fall for it. Again. And I recognize the debris left by the destructive thought patterns and the misplaced hope and I conclude that I am unlovable truly and weak beyond help. Indulging in what I hope is greener grass, turns into burnt chaff in the wind once again. And I am left with nothing.

So, my general conclusion up to this point in my life is to let the shame and lies wash over me until I come to a place of despair so dark I can't help but get stuck in the undercurrent of sin that has pulled me in. But today? Today is a new day with new mercies and I am gonna claim that over myself in lieu of the pity party turned sinfest I usually partake of. No, today I am going to remember the promise God has given me of new life, new creation in Jesus. I am putting on that new nature and starving the old. If I stop feeding the lie, it will die. Eventually. So today the nourishing and coddling of my secret sin stops. It will die soon because I have a God who wants me to know joy and peace and restoration. I love a Man who loved me enough to take my guilt for me and give me new life. And, gosh darn it, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I want to live fully. So, today I choose life instead of death. Blessings instead of curses. And today, I will stand firm because it is God who is strong in my weakness...

Whimsically challenged, and yet there's hope...

I am not nor have I ever been a real fan of waiting. Who is? Please, I need to meet that guy. But this past week has introduced some sweet things that will require massive amounts of waiting. Allow me to present my case:

1) The Lifelong Dream
So, when I was about 13, I realized I liked to argue. not about like politics or anything like that, but I just had this need to be right and to be right I had to prove my point. So, what better profession could I aspire to than a lawyer, right? Well, long story short-I went to school for elementary education except I hate kids (well, I did... but that's getting to the second point). So I changed from that to secondary ed, and then art and finally I was forced to graduate with Mass Comm. But as I've worked in my position, the dream has been revisited and revitalized. Law School. So, I began researching the necessary steps to actually pursue this dream. And it's attainable, really. Just a test and $30,000. Oh, and apparently three years of the highest stress and studying. but there's this stirring in my heart when I start to think on it... So, I will soon be preparing for the LSAT and my hope is actually applying for law school in two years. I'm guessing I'll have my debt and car paid down or off by then, so maybe I can handle a bit more :)

And while this sounds so great and wonderful, I find myself wondering if I actually want to be a lawyer or just know all the stuf lawyers know. As is, I can tell you the law on my industry in all 50 states at the drop of a hat. And that is exciting to me!! So, maybe my true desire is for knowledge and that can be pursued through Barnes & Noble and save probably a good $29,000 in the process.

2) Marriage v. Singleness Boxing Match
for years and years, I have assumed I am just either meant to be single and just being tormented. I never ever thoguht I would actually dare to hope for a relationship/marriage. but this weekend it finally happened, the peace I needed confirming those desires. and it wasn't like a revelation of who or when or even why, but it was just a quiet peace that this is something I can hope for. So, I'm letting myself hope and the contentment in that has come easily so far. I don't know how long I'll be waiting, but I'll wait until it's a "good" thing in reference to Psalm 84:11
"For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
the LORD bestows favor and honor.
No good thing does he withhold
from those who walk uprightly."

So, hope is here and the waiting may begin for these dreams to unfold and flourish in God's ever capable span of time...

Who needs ya anyway?!

So, an unfortunate incident has occurred. My computer has a terminal disease and she shall be leaving us all soon... May I tell you the story?

Good, I'm glad you're still here :) So, a little known fact about me that you may not know... Umm, hence the little known fact part I guess. I am insanely clumsy. In the short span of my life I have tripped and fallen and bruised just about anywhere possible. For example, 10 years old - I was in the 5th grade and walking the dogs. We had two rather large dogs and we were walking over the Blue Bridge here in Fargo and were just descending the stairs when the two friendly mutts began to chase each other. While on leashes. Around my kneecaps. So, I'm sure you get the picture... Down go I and then realize as I stand, "Wow!! My feet hurt! Like really bad!!" And then it hits me that I have to walk home with these two dogs and home is over the bridge and down four blocks. When I arrive home screaming my head off for the pain, my mother tells me to take a nap and I'll be fine. I managed to shatter my foot, by the way.

This is just one of many crazy clumsy moments. There's also the time I fell UP stairs and landed on my face in front of 200 college students. Or the time I tried to open my car door to realize it wasn't my car and the owner was standing behind me... So, me = clumsy/awkward. Which is funny since my last name is Ward. So, if I ever write all these moments down, my book will be called "The Life of Cassandra: awkWard".

Which brings us to the story of my terminally ill computer. So, on a lazy Saturday afternoon I was sititng much like I am now-feet propped up, typing away, jamming to some tunes. Well, my door was being knocked at or some other disturbance of my time when I got up. Not realizing that my foot had become wrapped up in my computer's cord!!! And as I run for whatever, there goes my beautiful laptop. Down. Down. Down. It was open so of course my wonderful widescreen monitor was out there to feel the full force of the coffee table. And now? Now I have spider veins and inky black lines all across my screen. I had hoped they would just stay where they were, but they seem to be growing daily and I fear I may soon not be able to see anything. As it is, I can't read articles or my blogs or really anything with words cuz the lines stretch all the way down and extend to both sides nearly. it is very tragic indeed. Be very very sad for me...

So, that is the tragic story and I just needed to get it out. Thanks for your support. And should you feel the need to either A) Contribute $$, B) Fix my computer, or C) give me a new one - please contact me.

The Beauty of Aching

Ache. Even the word sounds painful. Like a sound you make when you get a papercut or something. Or you smell something bad. Whatever, it doesn't illicit happy thoughts in general. But it does allude to something akin to longing, abiding, perseverance. It's an achey day....

There have been many things this week that have hurt and cut and killed my spirit, so today's experience shouldn't really have been as unexpected as it has been. And even as I reread that last sentence, I realize my hope is lost.

"For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will." Romans 8:24-27

Prior to this passage, Paul is talking about creation groaning and waiting on God's redemption of His children into freedom. So, quite appropriate I feel. Not that my present suffering is in anyway comparable to the eager expectation of Jesus' Second Coming. But I do understand the longing for a hope that is just never quite fulfilled. but how happy should I be that my longing cannot be filled by something earthly? Temporary? My ache is only a testament to that eternity which God has placed in the hearts of all men. So, I choose to ache gladly, knowing that my hope and my life and my joy is safe in the arms of God. My worth and value and beauty rest fully in His love for me. Love deep enough and wide enough and high enough and long enough to sustain whatever crisis I find myself in. Who could want for a better love than that?

silence

"Let all that I am wait quietly before God,
for my hope is in him." Psalm 62:5

Silence. There's something about silence that is so terrifying. It's like a void of communication. As someone who enjoys open communication, it can be difficult for me to understand others who do not communicate as openly as I might. However, lately I've begun to see the advantages of that philosophy.
I've always loved the fact that when someone knows me, they generally know everything. I have no filter in what I say since I think verbally. And because of that, I fear I may come across as more scatterbrained and flighty than I'd care to. I've recently had a n encounter where my emotions have been reflected back to me in counsel and I was hurt. Really hurt. Is that what I really look like? Honestly? Do I really portray this messed up emotionally volatile adolescent? And I realized that maybe I'd be more acceptable if I were to just keep my thoughts to myself. But now I struggle with this, because that's not how I operate. Well, what if I just limit what I say? See? Here is where a filter would be handy. So, in conclusion, I decided I must just embrace silence.
What this really means for me is understanding that the only one who can handle every thought on everything and every tangent that distracts me is God. And He alone can see what my heart is truly saying and what I really want to express. and as I think back on the last few months, maybe even years, I see how I've run to everyone in my life rather than God with my "issue" of the moment. And you know what? God has used others to point me in the right direction or counsel me or whatever it is that I need.
Here's the turn point though. Today. In the last 24 hours so much has happened that has hurt and refined and shaped my heart I can barely even write this. Friends have said things or not said things and in general, I feel alone and abandoned. I tried to go to someone and they turned on me. I try another avenue and the door is closed. And I'm left to myself with the understanding that God wants what's in my heart more than anything. And He is there to listen. And I need to trust Him with it - He is the only one who can do anything about it anyway, right? So, here you are, Lord. Here's my heart back, please keep it. Teach me how to wait quietly for You alone and practice silence...

And then there's the rain...

I love rain. It's usually cool and refreshing. It reminds me of growth since without the water, there'd be no.. well anything that grows. But, the best thing about rain? It' washes away the dirt. Off the streets, off cars, off stuff, out of the air. the air is usually so clean after it rains. So clear. It's like a new place when the rain clears off and the sun comes out. We appreciate the sun so much more because of the rain. so, today it's raining.
My personal rain, not so much like regular rain. Personal rain is actually kind of painful and usually lasts longer than one hopes. It'll stay until there's clear air to be had. Sometimes, personal rain can last a very very long time. I hope today's will be over quickly cuz this hurts like hell.
The thing I like about writing is that it allows me to get what's in my head onto paper (per se) and then I can read back and laugh at how silly I was. So, today I read back through some old blogs. But I didn't laugh. The needs, the desperate cries, the pleas for deliverance. Not one answered. Not even a bit. Today I am as heartbroken and desperate and completely stressed as I have been for about a year it seems. I was listening to a Linkin Park song and there's a line that says "the pace is too fast/you just won't last" or something close. That is a little bit of how I feel. I'm running dangerously close to the edge of my cliffs and it's only a slight breeze before I fall over the side. But even as I grasp for the more stable ground, there's a desperate pull to just let it all go and fall. Just go. And even as I imagine the terrifying descent, I understand that is exactly what I do need. To let go. Give it up. Let far more able hands take care of what I need. And God will be there to help me pick up the broken pieces again. He'll be there to repair the cracks and form new shapes out of the mishandled clay. He will hide me in the shadow of his wing and guard me from the arrows. But right now, I'm still just toppling and the ground isn't getting any closer.
At what point do you say - I'm done? When can we safely give up the hope we've clung to? Is there a place us disillusioned and disappointed recovering hopers can go to just be healed and restored before we attempt to feel anything again? If there is, I wish i had directions today....

Set My World On Fire

There is this amazing song by Britt Nicole titled "Set the World On Fire". Chorus - "Take my dreams/Come and give them wings/Lord with You/There's nothing I cannot do". It may sound kinda sappy, but lately I've realized I need to take this to heart.
So, where've I been, right? Well, switching churches on God's call and my nerves, working like a maniac and in general stressing life to the max. And in the background of all this my 27 year old heart has been screaming for something I can't do a darn thing about. It's a good thing I can own property and work without a man, but I find myself wishing for those days of arranged marriages. And here is where Britt Nicole comes in. As I dream of this relationship I want, I am struck by how often the door is closed and I begin to wonder if this is my dream? Or is my dream the greater one of wanting God and HIS dreams? As a single woman capable of speaking, I've seen in a new light the ways God has changed my heart and used me and pursued me. He's provided opportunities for my own personal healing in areas and times of encouragement to others in their wounds. Why would I give up the provider, comforter, healer, lover, etc. I've already found in God for an earthly substitute? And yet, I wish for that. I can't let it go.
So, here I am. Asking yet again for God to show me the dream He has while pining for my own dream. Is it wrong to want to be married? heavens, no! But it is if it's not the path God has created for you. And in my case, this seems more and more to be the plan. So, in conclusion, what I'm asking for here is a fire. Lord, set my world on fire. Burn what is dead and destroy the things designated for destruction. Hide my "other lovers" and hedge me in. Speak tenderly to me as I walk the wilderness of saying goodbye to the dreams I desperately cling to in hope of being known as only You can know me.

Oh Mylanta!! Houston, we have a problem!

So life. Life has been... well insane and interesting and good and wild and many other words that just don't do it justice. I'm leaving my church, I quit my second job (mostly), and I am preaching the sermon at my new church tomorrow. I have nothing written down. Herein lies the problem part....

Now, I know what my topic is per se. My issue is with the actual flow, shall we say. how do you cram three stories into thirty minutes? Now these are quite complex old testament stories mind you. How do you segueway from Hosea to Joshua to Hosea to modern?!? So, if you get this and it isn't 6:30 PM Sunday yet, send up a plea for me would ya? And if you want to come see what God does, check out Hawley Community Center tomorrow around 6:30 PM... Should be a good lesson in trusting God for wisdom and words :)

Do You See What I See?

How couldn't I see what I'd become? How did I not know what I looked like? Today my world crashed into a hard wall of reality and the pieces aren't fixing up real well. I feel a little shattered and bruised, but the truth was needed. Actually, it was even prayed for as I asked God to show me how to love Him more than those things I pray for. But, it still stings...

Have you ever had an experience like this? Someone you've known for an extended time speaks a hard truth into your life and you realize that you've been blind. Whether you just haven't seen what you've been doing because you're "too busy". Or you refuse to see it because it's what you hate about yourself. Or whatever it is that keeps you from realizing you are a messy human. We sure like our control don't we? We like to plan and map and make sure everything turns out just right. We want the storybook ending and the 2.5 children. Dang it-I want my white picket fence!! But we also want a God who plays by the rules and fulfills His part of the equation. I pray, I love people like Jesus (sometimes), I never get drunk, I follow the rules!! Why won't You?!?!

I so often forget that God isn't about rules. He's about hearts. He wants our hearts. Not our planners or our medals or our time even. He wants our hearts. And today I was struck smartly across the face with the realization that I've been visibly giving myself to something other than God. Apparently for years and years. And I got a picture of what I really look like to others. And it disgusted me to the core. Could that really be it? Could that really be what others perceive as my heart and intent and passion? Not Jesus? Why can't they see Jesus? And as I write that I realize they can't see Jesus for the neon lights screaming something entirely opposite of who Jesus was. I'm carrying the fragrance of something, but it's not Jesus... Reality - sometimes it's ugly and sometimes you can't just change and hope no one noticed. Cuz sometimes it's you and you can't be anyone other than you.....

Why not?

I feel so defiant when I say that. Why not? Well, obviously anytime you are posing that question, there's probably a few good reasons why not... In today's case, it's probably because, well - it's me. And this doesn't happen to me. Or for me.

I saw a movie tonight that rocked me a bit. While the gist of the movie is romance, it ends in heartache and a sense of single girl power. Which rocks since I am a single girl and truly don't think I'm lacking anything in the absence of the almighty relationship - though I still seem to hinge all joy on this, don't I? Hmm, riiight. Let's suspend this for a moment while I digest. The movie did something in my heart. It stirred something I've let remain dormant for a time. A real passion with actual dreams and hopes. My dream of writing a novel. I decided to quit pouring out all this emotion and energy into a wishing prayer and instead focus it on a tangible dream. Whoo-hoo! Go me!! So, I am starting my great novel but I can't tell you about it cuz then I'll lose it. I don't know why, but that's what happens every time I tell people.

So whatever does this have to do with why not? Well, in conjunction with this renewed sense of empowered singleness, a friend blogged this evening as well. And unfortunately it totally ruined it all. See, this friend is actually pretty great and in my view pretty much what I'd ever want. And he's also pretty much unaware I exist. How do you tell someone they need to give you a chance without looking like a completely desperate woman? I'm really not, but he's practically my Mr. Perfect (I do hate the connotation that anyone is perfect, but I trust you understand my idea here). See the blog spoke of despair and loneliness and maybe a touch of bitterness and anger at singleness. So, here it comes, why not me?!? And therein lies the fact that it'd be ridiculous for me to believe that something like that could actually occur in my life. For whatever reason, Cupid really hates me. Well, regardless of whether it's me or not, it's ruined my inspired mood and for that I'm very very angry friend. I hope you read this and realize you're an idiot cuz I'm amazing. And for everyone who is not that guy, I am sorry but you should realize by now that I emote on everything here and I actually love that I do. Life should be a journey and it's way more fun to be able to read back and see the winding path it usually takes. So thanks for reading again and always...

You bring me joy!

I title this as such in order to convince myself of this. It's true, God does bring me joy. He restores and renews and strengthens. He is my refuge, my rock. And yet, this world wins sometimes, y'know? Today, the world's winning the fight for my joy. I've been insanely busy at work and not just stuff. It's like brain powered stuff. Writing, designing, configuring, statistics, etc... And there is absolutely no end in sight until the middle of 2008. My brain is done.

And in the midst of all of this chaos, all my heart longs for is someone to come home to and say to me, "No matter what happened today, I love you. Let's watch a movie and have popcorn." And then snuggle and fall asleep content because I know someone is supporting me, someone cares that I'm hurt and bleeding on the inside. Someone sees me as I am, not what I seem like. And yet, the words of coworker come back to me today. "Cass, maybe you need to understand that marriage and kids isn't God's plan for you. If it is, it'll happen on His timetable." But the more I dwell in it, the more I do understand painfully that the statement is so very true. Maybe He does desire singleness for me. But, what about the movie? And the popcorn?? I can't do my life without that kind of support. So, Lord-be my joy, my strength and my refuge once again. If you're leading me to it, you'll bring me through it. In humility and brokenness, I must reclaim my joy and my passion for Him alone. This world can't win every day :)

Life is better when lived

27's been pretty interesting... I never seem to have enough time for, well anything. I work an awful lot and the time I do have off I fill up pretty quickly with everything I should have been doing while working. This weekend was great though. I pretty much slacked off and watched Matt Damon. yes, all three Jason Bourne movies, one day. It was amazing. But more than anything, lately I've been seeing myself in a new way. Now, most humans are selfish by nature, but lately I've really noticed just how much I tend to assume life will go according to my plan. And as I now have a roommate who expects this even more so (and usually had a better plan to begin with) I realize just how much I need to learn to be humble and let God move outside my boundaries and safe zones.

One safe zone is my life, which sounds really broad I know. But, the plan of my life. My job, my relationship status, everything. the fact that I am 27!!! I feel old, seriously!! Everyone around me tries to say I'm not or that this or that will happen in time... blah, blah, blah. They're like 22 and don't realize that life starts to fall apart at the age of 25. Okay, that might be exaggerating. But what I'm talking about is letting all of those fears that I will have unfulfilled dreams. Psalm 84:11b has been an anchor for this: "God does not withhold any good thing from those who walk uprightly." Right now, there is nothing outside my life that I should have, that God deems good. And let's face it, if it's not God, I don't think it's good. Do I really want a relationship outside of God's provision? No, because it wouldn't be a part of the fairytale He has for me.

Fairytales, there's another great subject. Who in the world thought it was a good idea to make men seem like "knights in shining armor"? I say this not because I'm cynical, but because it really makes me mad when people compare real life people to their fairytale counterparts. You know you've done it. Sound familiar - "Hmm, I sure hope he knows daisies are my favorite and then we'll go to dinner and gaze at each other and then we'll ride off into the park on white horse and..." Yes, we all fantasize like this or worse! And while we realize that no man (or woman) can live up to our fantasy, there is always a residual image left in our minds when we hear about or see these images of perceived perfection. For women, it's chick flicks and romance novels, men probably porn. Whatever it is we treat it so casually when it's ruining our hearts. Well, I suppose I am really speaking to myself, I don't like to generalize and just assume everyone else struggles with this.

So, anyway. back to 27. I dyed my hair tonight. Thought I'd spruce up the brown hair with a couple highlights. I look kind of like a bird accidentally pooped caramel sauce on my head. It's not good. So, when I say I'm learning humility - beauty gone, next!! :) It's really kinda making me laugh though, so it's good.

I need to get into the habit of writing more. Maybe 27 will be the year I start my big novel. Hmmm, we'll just have to see I guess.

Little Miss Mary Sunshine

“Little Miss Mary Sunshine had a bad day…” As Saving Jane would say. It’s not a particularly bad day, but more a general attitude of late. Since my last post bitterness has been uprooted and wounds are healing over nicely. Except for this one…

Next week I will be turning 27. I will be a full-fledged responsible adult. I’ll be in my upper twenties for sure. This age brings me a lot of stress. To begin with, in my circle I am apparently not considered an adult or, at very least, responsible enough to take care of small things like forms or keys or whatever may need to be responsibly taken care of. I’m not sure what I did to give folks the impression that I am not grown up, but I get the strong vibe that a lot of people think this way of me. Well, I guess I just have to remember that I know I am and everyone else can just do it themselves then. There comes a time in a person’s life when they really just have to quit caring about this world and live for what’s important to them. So, as I am trying to define what really is important, I guess caring what people think of me should be added to the list of “Quit Caring About It”. Let’s make a list, shall we?

Important:

• Relationship with God-my lover, my comfort, my tower, my refuge
• Relationship with students-pouring into the next generation of believers
• Being responsible with what God has blessed me with-finances, time, etc.
• Loving people
• Living a life that cause glory to God

Quit Caring About It:

• What other people think about me
• How I look in my favorite clothes
• Whether someone at work likes me or not or thinks I nap all day instead of working hard like I am-in other words, know I’m doing my job and quit retaliating with “But I AM working!! And harder than you!”
• How many great classics I have not read yet and assuming that it makes me an idiot because I haven’t.
• How much I love stupid fiction sometimes.
• Whether I’m good enough or pretty enough or whatever enough for any one person or group. I’m enough Cass for God and that is enough.

I feel good about this. I think I can work this out. See how much smaller my Important list is? It’s not difficult or outrageous. But too many things in my Quit Caring About It list outdo the Important things. So, this is the beginning of being a responsible, goal-oriented, time managed and prioritized adult… Or this is just the beginning of caring about what matters to me instead of letting other people shape and form my life for me. I feel wiser already J

Bitter Roots

Lately I have struggled with bitterness forming in my heart towards a particular coworker and it just doesn't get better. And today something happened yet again to just further the growth of this cancerous root of bitterness. Seriously, it's infecting every part of me. And it dawned on me that I can't remove this. I'm weak and needy, poor and lowly. I can't do what my God can do. And I need to fall on Him as the strength of my heart and portion forever. Humility, it comes in a flash.

An area I really see this terrible root growing is in singleness. As I drove to work today I was thinking of my current situation and I thought to myself, "Why would I want to love or lean on a man when I know they'll fail me anyway. I should simply love the Lord and remember that He ALONE is my refuge, my place of safety. A man cannot be that, ever." Yes, there is so much truth and joy and passion in those statements. And yes they are true of my heart and my thoughts. But even in this, I saw this strain of bitterness. Do you see it? Cynical, critical, judgmental, unforgiving... I could go on, but all these things are so far from where the Lord wants my heart to be and yet, I mask them with this seemingly "spiritual" statement that God is my portion forever. Lord-break me and shape me and destroy what I've created in me because I just don't have the heart to do it nor the strength. May I be YOUR Creation, not my own...

Resting

The single saga continues....

I was writing to a friend of mine today on unanswered prayer and how we oftentimes forget that God does in fact know who we are and what stirs our heart. I have often written on my dissatisfaction with the single life for various reasons and today is really no different. Only, today I am not dissatisfied as much as I am discouraged in my own attitude toward this time of growth and outpouring of blessing. In this email with my friend, who is married (you know who you are), I was relaying how I find rest in the shadow of God's wing. In a relationship, a couple spends a great deal of time cuddling and snuggling, so I've been told. And from past experience of my own I know that there is nothing better than a night in watching movies on the couch. Generally Mr. Wonderful will put his arm around his date and she'll instinctively turn into his side. It's a comforting place to be. You're at peace, you're warm, and you're hoping he wears Old Spice deodorant. But more than all of that, you know that within that embrace, you are safe with this person. Ah, I long for that embrace with all my heart! But, here's the beautiful thing. Just like I long to snuggle with my husband someday, I know I can snuggle with my God today and eternally. I read Psalm 36:7 and remember this is a picture of the Lord embracing me:

"How precious is your steadfast love, O God!
The children of mankind take refuge in the shadow of your wings."

To be in the shadow of His wing. Pulled close to His side. Held tight in His arms. Where else would I want to be? The Lord fulfills my greatest need in the cross for my eternity. He continues to supply my needs daily in His presence and in His word. Psalm 91 says it best (the Lord speaking):

"Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him;
I will protect him, because he knows my name.
When he calls to me, I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will rescue him and honor him.
With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation."
Psalm 91:14-16

So, today I rest in His shadow, under His wings, and wait for His timing. There are many things I could speculate and pursue and even cherish, but I will rest at His side today. May we be people of rest and patience....

Oh life, why so tiring?

I am absolutely dead tired. And not just like, "Ooh, I didn't sleep enough" kind of tired, but weary to the bones, ready to cry, falling apart tired. I can't quite describe it. I suppose it could be working far too much. If I add up the hours of work I've done this week, the total is 59 hours. Along with two Bible Studies and a wedding.

I'm getting old, I realize. I know people would say I'm still young at the age of 26, but when I see my friends and I see the lives around me, I realize I'm not living like a young person. I work all the time and I never really let myself have fun and I really don't see myself changing that. I actually kind of prefer it that way. What's wrong with this picture?!? My work never really lets me down cuz it's only as good as I make it. People, people though, they're far more unpredictable and they can hurt you far more.

I guess it comes down to that. I don't want to get hurt. I want to live in my little world and do what I need to do to survive and not worry about anyone else. I'm moving in with a couple friends in under two months, so some of this will have to change. I wish I could say I was as excited about moving as everyone else seems to be, but I'm losing out on a lot of freedoms. One being nights like tonight where I just want to wallow in the disappointment my life has been. With people around, I'm forced to deal with it and move forward. Well, at least I can have tonight I guess. So, back to work... even though it's 2:05 am and I need to be up at 6...

But they're so comfortable...

Lord, I don't usually write to you here. But this needs to be a message to me that this cannot stay here in my heart. It needs to be visible beyond my own existence because if it stays here, it will eat me alive and kill my spirit.

I'm hurting. I'm broken on the inside. My pain doesn't have any marks or bruises or symptoms. It's just there, ever aching. It's a familiar pain. Comfortable, well known wounds. It's so easy to just walk this path of despair again. It's like getting into the jeans you love but you know you shouldn't wear them because they don't fit quite right anymore. Anyway, it's this comfortable track I'm running in tonight.

It's always the same thing, Lord. Constantly. I see why You get so upset with Israel. She chased after all of these broken cisterns hoping one would satisfy. But only You can satisfy. Only You know what I need more than anything. I need You. I need Your grace and emrcy. I need Jesus.

Since I truly believe Satan does seek to kill and destroy anything that brings You glory, I must also believe that he seeks to kill and destroy me and the purposes you have ordained for me. I am called by You!! I have been chosen to know You, to love You and understand that You alone are God! (Isaiah 43:10). This well beaten path is a stronghold where Satan can drag me in. I even go willingly because that comforting feeling is so validated by this world. I'm not smart enough, pretty enough or just plain good enough. I'm not lovable. I'm not worth anyone's time or attention. These lies swim around and even as I write them, Daddy, my heart is shattering piece by small piece. They each fall with a resonating thud because each has weight i nmy heart. They echo my own thoughts of myself. This is how I see me? This is how I perceive myself? And I'm sad to say that it is. Tonight anyway. And how many countless nights in the past...

Now that I've begun down this road I find it hard to bring myself to the truth. Jesus died to bring me life abundant in unbroken relationship with God. he redeemed me that I might seek after Him and be WITH Him. He finds me lovely and beautiful. In Jesus, I am a jewel and a fragrant aroma. Because of Jesus, I am a Beloved of God. He is the Lover of my soul and the Giver of my dreams. Why would I choose that familar path when this one has so much more potential!! I know where that path leads. I've lived there for over a decade. I know how it ends. Continuing on that path means heartbreak. Each time I go that way I get closer to the final walk. What if I can't climb out this time? What if I find I don't want to? What if I lose sight of who I am truly in Christ? We both know the answer to that what if...

But tonight, I'm saying no. No to despair. No to darkness. No to the demons trying to pierce me again and again with their arrows of self-hatred. Tonight I say YES to You!! I am broken and I am weary. I am tired of this path and this constant result. I am hurting and sad. but I have Your arms around me. You walk beside me. You walk through it with me. And in that truth, I rest. I settle into Your Sovereign presence and nestle in Your arm as You cry with me. And I will wake tomorrow and walk with You and see Your glory. I will not be discouraged from the life You have assigned to me. I will walk with You, maybe a little tired and timidly, but I will walk with you. I am Yours and I am in love with You. There is nothing but You that this heart beats for. So, God, hold me close tonight and keep me safe. Safe from Satan, from demons, from myself. Gently lay me to rest in Your presence...

To my readers: This is my God. A God of love and comfort. I've been struggling with depression and relationships and other related issues for so many years I cannot even try to explain. But I know this tonight-I'm done running and hiding. God saved while I was yet a sinner. He reached out to me when I was screwed up and far from perfect. So bearing my brokenness to Him tonight is like a refreshing rain. And His withholding of my desire is not a bad thing to me. No, He's warned me time and again that this is a god in my life and I need to throw it out. Tonight, I feel that pain acutely and I realize He's saying, "Get rid of it! Seriously, I am not joking around!! You are playing with a dangerous fire by keeping these feelings lurking about, ready to jump in when something doesn't go the way you want. I've spoken to you about this and you know My answer, now let me continue My work in you and through you. I have the master plan and I know the path to get you where I need you to be. Let me guide you and shape you and along the way I will show you how much I love you, my Beloved."

He is the God of love; gentle love when He's comforting, tough love when our sin breaks our relationship with Him, honest love when we bear our true hearts and souls and passionate love to see us to the finish line. May you walk in His love tonight...

Overwhelmed

There are few words that strike my heart like the word overwhelmed. Sometimes it's a negative thing and other times it's a passionately good thing. Tonight it's good.

I've been in KC this week and while visiting the IHOP a song was sung that goes something like this:
'Though I'm poor, You say I'm lovely. Though I'm dark, You say I'm beautiful. Somehow my weakness has overwhelmed You. Somehow my weak love has ravished Your heart.'

Not sure on that last phrase but if you've been to IHOP you know how hard it can at times to understand the words exactly. Anyway.

I met with the Lord, my Lover-God this weekend. There are many things in my heart tonight but the word I need to get out is overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed by the pure love and desire of God to know His Bride wholly and for His Bride to know His heart. I am overwhelmed by God's broken heart over His rebellious people. I am overwhelmed by God's passionate pursuit of me.

Jeremiah 2 speaks of God's people doing two evil things: 1-they have abandoned God, the Living Water, 2-they have dug for themselves cracked cisterns which carry no water. I read this thinking of people I know of who are filling the places in their lives intended for God with earthly things. Waters that do not quench. And suddenly it hit me that this is me too. What things do I try to quench my thirst with? Relationships, job, even ministry. But the fact is that nothing CAN quench the thirst aside from God. He ALONE is God, my living water.

Airport Walking

So I'm chilling at the Mpls Airport today awaiting my connecting flight to KC. It is a huge airport (it seems like they all are to me). And of course my gate is somewhere in the next county. The sweet thing about these big airports is the walking strip you can ride to get somewhere faster. As I was gliding my way down the concourse, this wonderful feeling erupted in me. I am so effectively moving right now!! (note-not ride/walking as I write. That would be a very dangerous thing.) And as usually happens I see this spiritual parallel to this glorious sensation. My destination is truly eternity but while I'm here my passion is seeing people love God and for them to realize how in love with them God is. As I cruise along stumbling through life, I wish I had a walk strip that would somehow make me more effective. LOVE That's the walk strip. When I genuinely, honestly, wholly love
people; I become a display of His love!! A) I love who I am because I'm not being selfish.
B) People are loved. C) People realize they ARE lovable and thus it is possible that God loves them even in their broken and needy state. D) and ultimately, I am investing in eternity because that kind of love lives on eternally.

May we all utilize this deperately needed walk strip as we continue our striding towards the Lover-God of our hearts...

I am a Rockstar...

Do you ever think about being a rockstar? Maybe you play a mean air guitar. Or sing very loudly in your car (Note: if this is you, remember to roll your window up before serenading everyone next to you at the stoplight, just a personal observation from my own "I totally sound like Madonna!!" days). Does Guitar Hero, or even the thought of playing, excite you to no end because you know you can rock out and be legit while doing it and you're not just crazy? Then yes-you too must be a rockstar.

At last night's Skillet concert here in Fargo, I had the opportunity to rock out just a bit and it renewed a longing in my heart I have never really pursued. The desire to be a rocker chick. Now, I must preface with this note, I have no musical talent. When I was younger I always hoped to get really good at the viola and dreamed of playing electric viola in a rock band. When I graduated, my parents gave me a guitar for my present. I still wonder if they just misheard my "I want a car" and instead heard "I want a guitar." So, I did my best to teach myself guitar and I got some of the basics, but nowhere near the level I would need to be a rockstar or even lead youth group worship. It comes down to my ever present underlying issue of self-control.

Self-control is by far the worst thing I deal with because I don't have it. At all. Seriously, none. I didn't have enough self-control in this case to practice. And thus, my dreams of rock and roll have been stunted. But, after seeing chick rockers in action, I feel that burning desire to go pick up my guitar and play. Well, I also have a desire to get another tattoo, but that isn't really what this is about...

What this all brings about is a question in my mind about who I am and where I am in my life. This week has been especially tough. There is this job that I figure I'm perfect for. It's youth, it's ministry, it's focus is teen girls. I'm a teen girl at heart and love ministry! It's perfect for me!! But there are many many voices in my world saying "No." This disheartens me and I have to step back reeling asking myself - Who am I? What am I doing with my life? Where am I going? I think, for me, this question can be answered in a short but sweet phrase - "As for you, follow me." (John 21:22). It's harder than you tihnk to just be still. Especially when you are a planner and you want to know what to expect and how to prepare best. I think on things(whether money, men or material) and figure I know what's best for me, how it could work out, when it should happen. But isn't this ultimately taking away from the joy and adventure of following God? What I'm doing is removing His sovereignty and replacing it with mine. Yes, I have free will, but I want HIS will, not my human attempt.

So today, I am choosing to continue to be still and settle into the course. If I think about it, it's a lot like white water rafting. The course is set and it isn't always smooth sailing, but there's a direction. The current will pull me along it if I just allow it to. I will have to work hard to stay on course and not flip my raft, but it's really a constant pull in the right direction. I find myself trying to go back up the stream though and it's hard but sometimes I really push for it and I have to be reminded that when I'm looking back or around, I miss what's ahead of ME. I lose sight of the path I'm riding down. May I be focused up and ahead on the Creator of the course and the current of my heart.

When is faith enough?

I just read this article on how we shouldn't rely so heavily on the open door/closed door philosophy of prayer. The article says Satan loves to close and open doors at his will so we need to trust in what God has placed within our heart. If we know that God wants us to do something, that He's designed us to do it, then we need to pursue it and be persistent about it. So-armed with this new insight, I cannot help but wonder at my own circumstances. I really feel like I know what God has for me. And I have asked and asked and asked-talk about persistent! Yet, I am still without. Should this be a sign it is a closed door? At least right now? How do you give something up if you think it's truly just a "not now" response? I mean, if it's not now, you still think it will be sometime in the future, so you keep hope alive when maybe it would be less cruel to just let it die for the time being. I'm not good at this. As a matter of fact, this is the thing I am worst at. I know God sees my heart and I know He sees my circumstance and He knows what I want. But I can't help but feel slightly disappointed that again it's no, at the very least a not now. God-if it's not to be, take it away completely, I'm too destructive to myself. For my sake, close the door completely and guard my heart from the pain I know is coming with this prayer...

I probably don't need yet another way to be dependant on my microuniverse phone, but I cannot resist : )

11:30 PM Tuesday, what the heck?!?

Does time ever escape you? You think it's a nice quiet evening and then something happens and suddenly it's ripped away with stuff to do. And then you realize it's almost midnight and you should go to bed. But-there's so much in your head and fingertips that needs to get out before you can.

For me, writing is a way of releasing some sort of emotional energy. I am acutely aware of the fact that almost no one gets to see these desperate words begging for someone, anyone to notice but I must write or it will just fester. So-sorry for those that do read this :) My sincere apologies for what is about the spew forth...

I really love Anberlin. Tonight I'm listening to this awesome song called "The Unwinding Cable Car". The chorus goes like this: "This is the correlation between salvation and love/Don't drop your arms/I'll guard your heart/With quiet words I'll lead you in" To me, it speaks of this intimate relationship. God is truly the correlation between salvation and love - He gave us salvation that we might know love, His love. It also speaks of His urgency in His call on my life. This si all speculation for this evening mind you and tomorrow I'm sure it'll mean something else. But tonight, tonight it means "Cass-please, please come to Me. Let Me guard you and love you and show you what I want for you!!" There's this desperation. Not that God is desperate for me, but me for Him. I'm utterly lost without Him. Yet, I run from His call. I run because I want something "more" than what He has for me right now. That more could be satisfying for today and maybe even tomorrow, but is it what I really want if it's not centered in God? If I have to manipulate and worry and cry is it really something I can claim glorifies God? Which is what I hold out as the point of my life, right? So-why do I try so hard to chase this illusion? Why do I run so fast from the life I know God wants for me? Honestly, can anyone tell me why we as humans are so dang terrified of God's plan?!? Why would we run if we know, we KNOW that He loves us? All of us? Every piece of us...

Why am I running? Why is my heart growing harder and harder again? Don't let me fall again, Father!

Don't drop your arms/I'll guard your heart/With quiet words I'll lead you in...

Springtime Comes

I am having a hard time believing today that we will get inches and inches of snow. It's April! But then I see the parallel in my own life. Much like we rarely get a break in the weather department, I rarely get a break in the endurance department. Once, a long time ago, I prayed for patience. I prayed to be more peaceful. And now-well let's just say, be careful when you pray that.

God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him ~ James 1:12

Now, I really have nothing to complain about here. But I am in amazement of the work God has done in me. When I first prayed this prayer I was hoping it would get me somewhere quicker. You know, if I follow the formula I get what I want. But, nothing ever really did happen the way I had hoped it would. Let's fast forward to today though...

Today I woke up with a peace and joy in my heart I rarely enjoy. It's not a spring out of bed feeling or a smile the day away joy. No, this is a more subtle kind of thing. It's a deep thing. A rooted experience. No, today I woke up and I knew that no matter what today brings or what yesterday didn't I would be perfectly content and okay. Even though I may not enjoy my work or things may not happen the way I would hope or ministry is not as fruitful as I would like. Even though I think I'm missing things I should have. No-today I woke up and I knew I was exactly who I should be, exactly where I am and exactly how much God loves me. And that, my friends, is a good thing. When I finally rest on this, I have found what I need and I know I need nothing else. If I am with God where He is, I am where I need to be. And I am joyful in this. Amen

At best it's been a vapor...

I'm in a place between humbled and despair. It's a darker place yet not entirely bad. I'm struck by the life I have lived thus far and the temporary gods I've chased to no avail. Even if I achieved what I strived to do, the races have long since been forgotten. Misty Edwards sings in her song, "Life has been a vapor, at best it's been a vapor." Do I want to live my life to see it pass on the wind or do I want to leave an eternal legacy behind when I go? If I were to answer with my heart, it's all about legacy. However, my mind and probably hormones say I want something that will please for todayand probably tomorrow, but in the end-is eternity affected?

Square One

It comes back again... The dreaded issue plaguing me all my life. The ever elusive loneliness that lurks in the dark reaches of my heart. Tonight it began as I watched TV alone and the snow storm raged outside my window. It would seem each time I let God have my heart fully, He answers these small miracle prayers only to make me want more and then I end up back where I began wanting what I cannot have - at least not yet. I never understand why I can't just take things at their face value and be happy with that. Why is contentment such a hard thing? It's nights like tonight that I fall asleep to lies and pre-recorded tapings of how and why exactly I am alone. I hate nights like tonight...

Redeemed

I had a busy week/month. Wow. As it nears the end of March I am looking back to see what happened in my life this month. Well, I don't have all day so I'll cut to the chase. Love.

Love happened to me. True love. Holy love. Redemptive love. Love for others. Love for God. Love for me. Love, love, love.... What a lovely thing.

I can honestly and truly say I am more content today than I have ever been. True contentment is not getting what you want but understanding how much you already have. Okay-I stole that from a Joshua Harris video but it's true. Another quote: Believe that God is not withholding any good thing from you that you should have. Think about that for a moment. I have EVERYTHING I need right now. By God's hand and plan. Wow.

The love part comes in when I look at the things I've seen happen this month. IHOP was great and I learned a lot about growing the roots of God's love deep into my heart. I love it when I tell people this cuz my voice makes this sound like a grunt to emphasize the word "deep" and my fingers push down to demonstrate the roots pushing down into the soil. Funny, I didn't realize I was doing that until I just typed it and tried to do it at the same time. :) I've learned about love in guy stuff as always. God will love me far beyond this world and this time. Why would I want to seek anything less than His love? Love has shown up in preparations for youth ministry stuff too as I see God use me in the lives of students. But the clincher comes in a story of a man called by God to marry a prostitute...

Hosea and Gomer. I absolutely love this story because it is such a powerful picture of God's love. So Hosea is a prophet and God tells him to marry a prostitute as an illustration of God's love for Israel, the ever wavering nation He has chosen for Himself. But what I am struck by is the imagery of the marriage relationship we enter into as believers of Jesus Christ. When we trust in Him as Savior and begin that relationship we are entering into a covenant relationship that is not meant to be taken so lightly! I am so flippant with my relationship to God. I sin and I pray for forgiveness and move along. Almost no retribution or remorse. He's a forgiving God right? But I don't look at the heartbreak and pain it truly does cause. In the story of Hosea we see him running after Gomer, buying her back with everything he has, loving her unconditionally. Don't you just want to say "Stop! Let her go, she's never gonna be faithful. She's not worth it." We want to say that because we see her problem and she's not willing to change. She's not even understanding why Hosea would keep coming after her. She doesn't deserve a man like him. What does she deserve? We think she deserves the lifestyle she's chosen for herself. Admit it, we often see people and their "issues" and say they made their own grave now they must lie in it. It's cold and heartless but we think it. Or I do anyway.

But remember this story is an illustration of God and Israel (read: believers/followers of God). Instead of rejecting Gomer and leaving her Hosea continues to buy her back and love her. In the same way, God chooses not to reject us but redeem us. And He does so with the blood of Jesus, the ultimate price. God wants to be in relationship with us so much He paid the price in His Son. Yet, I am constantly whoring myself out to other things. And He brings me back and loves me again... Oh God, why do you love me like this?

The Lord says,
“Then I will heal you of your faithlessness;
my love will know no bounds,
for my anger will be gone forever.
I will be to Israel
like a refreshing dew from heaven.
Israel will blossom like the lily;
it will send roots deep into the soil
like the cedars in Lebanon.
Its branches will spread out like beautiful olive trees,
as fragrant as the cedars of Lebanon.
My people will again live under my shade.
They will flourish like grain and blossom like grapevines.
They will be as fragrant as the wines of Lebanon.

“O Israel, stay away from idols!
I am the one who answers your prayers and cares for you.
I am like a tree that is always green;
all your fruit comes from me.”

-Hosea 14:4-8 (NLT)

Life After Retreat

I am home from my retreat/conference in Kansas City. There's always a struggle when you get home from these kinda of things. You learn so much and God opens your heart to what you need to incorporate into your DAILY life. It's the daily part that gets me. Let's look at this week...
I was really impacted by a couple of things from the Passion for Jesus conference. One was my inability to love well. Whether it's loving God, others or even myself. I do not love well because I just assume everything will be taken away from me. Which, to be honest, it will, right? Someday we'll be in eternity (if you know Jesus as Savior) and all of this temporary crap will be gone. Although, there is something to be said for relationships that will stretch into eternity. However, I assume it/they will be gone so why hold them tight. I really see this as a good thing. My focus and purpose is on heavenly things and I do not hold onto that which will remain here. This makes it hard for me to love thoroughly though. For example-someday (God willing!) I want to get married. but if this trend continues, will I hold my spouse so loosely? What about my kids? Is it good or bad to do this?!? I don't know, but I know God wants me to love with His heart for people.
Second thing was time in the Word. Spending time understanding God's heart through His word and getting to know His Son Jesus through the Word. Already this week, I've missed a day and I haven't done today's study yet either. Not a good track record...

So how do we do it? Bring our hearts full back with us to our daily lives? I think we just set our focus on it. I make many choices in my day that I claim I couldn't help, but really-with a bit of willpower and strength-I can do anything through Christ who strengthens me. So-I press on toward the goal and hope that God is doing a work to change me and shape me into the creature He intended when He formed me.

Letting go

Do you make soundtracks? Maybe specific playlists for specific purposes? I made a new playlist tonight. Let go... That's the title of my new playlist. And it's a kind of sad playlist, but it's good. After last weekend's realization that I must die that I might live for God, I am aware of how much of me exists in my daily thought life and life in general. Now, I'm not getting rid of my identity or who I was created to be, but I am trying to watch what I feed on to bring me that identity. Am I truly pursuing God in order to be developed into what he wants, or do I pursue what I want to be? The "ideal" me?

Tonight, it's my single state that has me writing. There is so much of me in my pursuit of "love". And I am not really pursuing in the chasing men sense of the word. It's really a thought life geared towards being half of a couple like everyone else (or so it seems to anyone who struggles with this). As I was listening to my soundtrack I understand that this is my desire, not His. Will He eventually bring someone? Honestly, I don't think so. To be fair, that may be my pessimistic idea that I'm unwanted which probably stretches back to my relationship with my father, but for the purpose of this blog I'll explain my thoughts. When I look at this area of my life, there is only pain and bondage and despair. There is no joy in my life connected to men. None. In the case of friends, yes-there's joy. But not in the romantic sense of it. Which leads me to conclude that maybe I want something that I can never attain. I want it but God knows I'm not designed for it and thus find no pleasure in it. Does that make sense?

This idea means a change for me. I actually embrace change. Change brings hope. Hope brings life and new dreams. I desperately need new dreams....

It's a lot like Christmas

Knowing people read this blog occasionally actually keeps me aware of what I write, but today it's all heart. I struggle with "daydreaming" we'll call it for lack of a better term. Whether it's what it would be like to be a writer for a profession or a photographer or married-I dream about it. Or I did. I realized about two weeks ago this was a problem for me. I was living in my own world of what could happen instead of God's appointed world in which I am living. So, a friend and I have been keeping me accountable to guard my heart and thoughts. And I fell off the wagon a little last night.

Now, do not get me wrong, these are relatively innocent thoughts. I don't struggle terribly with sexual lust, at least not anymore. They are more of a coveting lust. And the fact that I do this actually plays right into how I'm designed as an organized (sometimes freakishly so) Type A person. If I can control the dream, I can control the outcome and thus my life. This past weekend God had a word for me about this whole cycle of processing and controlling and failing and starting again. The word was "DIE". Die to yourself. You know you can't be perfect or cause anyone else to be either. Let Me shape you, refine you, define you. Let Me "fix" you. I can grow in you everything I want you to be. Stop putting up walls and quit making 7-step programs for yourself. Just die to you, and live for Me.

Such a good word. And that plays into my next realization. I was commenting to someone about how we anticipate good things when we see what we really want. I mentioned it's like Christmas. You know what you want, and it looks like the boxes are about the right size, but the true joy comes in ripping the wrapping paper off and finally coming face to face with your desire. It's yours finally!! And we can begin appreciating what we wanted fully. But, I see in my life that I too quickly substitute what I truly want (i.e.-Godly man/husband, artistic yet communicative job, chocolate) with what I see available instead (daydreams, legal job, coffee with creamer). If I would just wait in anticipation for what I know I want, and let God move me towards it-wouldn't I be that much more excited about it? Why do I simply lie down and take what I can get instead of fighting for what I want?

Now-I am not literally fighting for these things (though maybe for the chocolate). I am fighting my own heart in a sense though. By stopping the coveting and the compromise and the general dissatisfaction in my spirit I am fighting for the joy God extends to me as a result of my relationship with Him. It wouldn't be a Cass blog without a scripture right?

“Now I am coming to you. I told them many things while I was with them in this world so they would be filled with my joy. I have given them your word. And the world hates them because they do not belong to the world, just as I do not belong to the world. I’m not asking you to take them out of the world, but to keep them safe from the evil one. They do not belong to this world any more than I do. Make them holy by your truth; teach them your word, which is truth. Just as you sent me into the world, I am sending them into the world. And I give myself as a holy sacrifice for them so they can be made holy by your truth. I am praying not only for these disciples but also for all who will ever believe in me through their message.

~John 17:13-20

May we fight the good fight for our joy friends...

Happy Valentine's Day... from God!

I woke up this morning and it slowly seeped into this singleton's mind that it's THE day, V-Day. As I ran my heart out this morning at the gym and read I didn't think much of it. As I got dressed in my pink shirt and necklace and got out the door, I thought about what we'd look at for Bible Study today. But as I was driving to work down 45th it hit me: the sunshine, the glistening snow, the love. Right there, I knew in my heart, my Valentine had given me the greatest gift-Jesus. He continued to shower me with beautiful things like sunshine and joy. All this may seem slightly Hallmark-ish, but it's so very true for me today. On this day I generally dread because I've never had a "true valentine", I am realizing instead that I have the best one. Why do we struggle with being single and alone on Valentine's Day? I think it's because we fear that if we don't have someone tangible, we have not been chosen as someone special, worthy of attention or affection. Chosen. That's the key word for me. I want so badly to be "the One" for some guy to choose out of all the other girls, and because that hasn't happened I feel like maybe I'm just not that special. But the truth is this:

But now, O Jacob, listen to the Lord who created you. O Israel, the one who formed you says, “Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine... Others were given in exchange for you. I traded their lives for yours because you are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you. ~Isaiah 43:1, 4

He chose ME. He pursued ME. He sent Jesus for ME... He loves me, more than any person here on earth can. Because He knows my heart and He knows my weakness and yet He loves me. He loves me, He loves me, He loves me. My heart-He knows my heart's desires and yearnings and passions, He placed them there in the delicate creation of who I am. I'm such a girl, but I need to know it. I'm worth something to my heavenly Husband, I'm worth Jesus. My heavenly Bridegroom God desires me, He wants to know me, He wants to bless me and grow me and cherish me... What more do I need and what could a man give that would be better than knowing that? God's love for me is eternal and unchanging, He will never stop pursuing me. How romantic and lovely... :)

(By the way-guys out there, God loves you like this too but it might sound a bit more like this; "I (grunt) you know really appreciate your strength and desire to be a warrior for My cause. Man-I took a cross for you, buddy!")

Ok. I'm done. No more.

Is there something in the water? Today marks the fourth engagement for friends I am close to within the last 2 months... AND it's Valentine's Day week. Could it get worse? Never mind, I know it could...

Argh!

Is there really any explanation for bad days? I am having one and I want to know why gosh darn it!? There are of course many things that could factor into this particular bad day: I have a lot of junk to do at work that I am completely unqualified and unprepared for, everything around me is red and pink, I got almost no sleep last night, it's Monday, etc... But I am really starting think this world just really really hates me. Oh. Wait, it does... John 15:8-9 "If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. " That's right, my day is really really terrible because this world isn't mine. I don't fit. I'm a stranger. Whew-hallelujah. Problem answered, though not completely solved...

There is no title.

Today marks a good day and yet a hard day. I am studying through James 4 and I realize it is so good.

"You want what you don’t have, so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous of what others have, but you can’t get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them. Yet you don’t have what you want because you don’t ask God for it. And even when you ask, you don’t get it because your motives are all wrong—you want only what will give you pleasure. You adulterers! Don’t you realize that friendship with the world makes you an enemy of God? I say it again: If you want to be a friend of the world, you make yourself an enemy of God." ~James 4:2-4 (NLT)

Now-allow me to clarify. I do not live for this world. As Caedmon's Call so eloquently says, "This world has nothing for me and this world has everything/all I could want and nothing that I need". But some days, it's so very difficult to distinguish between God's small, still voice and the ever louder voice of this world that twists truth just enough to make me believe it is still truth when it's deceit.
A current example of this. I have felt like I should change churches. There are no opportunities for me to teach from my heart here. There are too many hoops to jump through to get into leadership. There are no dating prospects who don't already know me and think I'm such a great friend they wouldn't want to date me (okay-this is the least of my issues, I do realize. Be assured I am not basing this move on this at all:)) So I think through these things and yes-I love my church and would like to stay, but part of me can't help but think that maybe I am allowing myself to just get too comfortable. Maybe I do need to move to another church to continue growing God's gift of teaching. Or am I simply passively moving by doing that? What's the answer and why can't I simply just be still in His presence and allow Him to speak to me?? These verses bring realization to me in the form of discerning my motives. As we know by now, I can sometimes allow my singlehood to make decisions for me, so is this a factor? I do not seek fame normally, but is there a small part me that would kind of like to be a youth ministry hero? Is there something I am running from in my current situation? All of these thoughts dance back and forth in my mind and I get more and more anxious about not seeing God's hand in it the longer I think....
What's the answer? Can anyone help me??

Passion and Purpose

As I look back on the past few months and even years of my life, I realize one thing has ruled my mind and something entirely different has ruled my heart. My mind and will want ministry while my heart has been seeking after relationships. This is reflected in what I spend my time meditating on, spend my money on, talk about, cry about and read about. While I have loved ministry and know that God has a place in His story for me to play a part, I have neglected to develop that which is my purpose and should be my passion.

Today I was at a seminar for parents and youth leaders and the presenter spoke about issues relating to teens in our world today and how we can lead them into a life seeking to make godly choices. As I sat there and learned about things I see each week I am with students, I realized that I want to be a part of leading this next generation to a place where they can make a difference in this broken world for God's kingdom. I want to see students and families restored. I want to speak prophetically into the lives of young adults and see God's hand moving in their lives. All of a sudden this passion rose up in me and I saw myself poured out for God's kingdom. Just for Him. And I realized that this is not a new vision. No, I've been working with youth since 1998. Almost 10 years!?! What happened to my passion for youth? I get excited about them when I see growth. I say I want to be a light in their dark worlds. And I have wanted that for a long time. But why haven't I ever been this passionate about it?

The answer is I have chosen not to develop and cultivate this particular calling. I realize today that I fall back on my single status as a crutch for allowing myself to be downhearted, broken and vulnerable. This thinking is comfortable because the world can justify it. We live in a coupled world. Being single is not the norm, at least not for a long period of time. If I am single, this world says there is something wrong and I need to work on fixing it until it's right. So I buy books and talk about it and blah blah blah. I have been pouring into this part of my life because this world says it's not right and I need to look more like the world. Even the Christian world upholds marriage and relationships as the purpose in our lives after God. And while I do believe in my heart that someday I will have a family, I also know in my heart that this life I have needs to be lived out for God and Him alone. I can do that today by pursuing this purpose He has called me to and make it my passion.

I am coming to understand that the great speakers are the ones who speak with passion and zeal for their topics. Whether it's a salesman who knows, uses and loves his product or a religious zealot who feels called by his deity-they will be passionate about their case because they believe in it with their whole hearts. For me, this journey to passion begins with reading. I read a lot. And if we look at what I've been reading lately, we see it all stems from my desire for a relationship. However, I have many books on youth ministry as well. yet they sit collecting dust until I finish yet another book on how God loves me and I don't need a man but here's how you can get one. I'm going to start my new journey with "The Seven Checkpoints".

As I start actively seeking God's desire for me to reach this broken generation, may I be sensitive to the needs and dreams of those I come in contact with. May I cry out to God for passion beyond my imaginaton to intercede for and speak into the lives of these students. May I encourage and uplift those who cross my path. May I understand and see them with the eyes of Jesus. I am waiting, Lord. Break me, shape me, refine me, use me.

Random Quote for Discussion

"Love involves us, but it's not about us" ~Jason Illian (Undressed)

Hmm, it makes me think, but what do you think?

Oh February, must you come?

So it is February, a month I usually hate. But after the longest month of my life, it is a welcome change. Why do we get excited about the changing months? I always get excited to start a new habit or diet or whatever but really it's just another day in another year. This blog-not about months though really.

I am sick today. Physically as well as spiritually/emotionally as I am figuring out. Physically those gross green glob-men from the Mucinex commercial have taken up residence in MY lungs now. It's horrible-feel very badly for me and send me chocolate.

On the other note though, I have been struggling with the same issue throughout the month of January. Mainly a "guy thing". As in, I kind of want one but am not mature enough to have one. If you don't know me, when it comes to this arena, I am a 15 year old girl. And since I am actually 26 that is a problem. Other aspects of life-I am quite mature, some would say beyond my years even. But there's this part of my heart that just doesn't shine the joy and love of Jesus like the rest. My question is why? Why is this the hardest thing in the world for me? There are plenty of things for me to pray for-my family's salvation, my ministry, my job, world peace (i was started to sound a little self-absorbed there). Yet, when I come to God with my heavy heart-it's always the same prayer "When is it my turn to have a relationship?"

The rumor on the street is that when I stop looking, I will find him. I'm not looking. I haven't really for a long time, like a year! I cannot help it when good Godly men are placed in my path however. It is here that the problem begins. I mean why would God bring them around if not to bless me and give me that relationship, right? As I am slowly figuring out after this month of torment, the answer to that question is there are a ton of reasons He will put them in my path. One-they need to hear the Word. Two-they need to be encouraged. Three-their parents accidentally hired a psychopath. I could continue but I think you get the idea. So I guess, now that I recognize that guys are humans with needs as well, I can just simply love them like the brothers they are. If only it were that simple for me. This sad, dark little corner in my heart where all this takes place refuses to give up the need to throw my heart foolishly into whoever is passing by. There is no reason, no strategy, no restraint. It's just the reaction that happens when they happen by!! Very frustrating, yet how do I reign it in? How do I fix it?

I did a series in youth group on Edmund from "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe" (aka Narnia, both a book series and a movie). The story of Edmund is interesting because when we look at this allegorical movie we want to be any character but Edmund. Sweet Lucy who finds Narnia, wise Susan who has a motherly instinct, brave and courageous Peter who battles for the land of Narnia. Anyone but Edmund who constantly baits his little sister and disregards any instruction given to him. Edmund follows Lucy into Narnia one night and is met by the White Witch/Queen of Narnia. This lady is bad news. She sees him and finds out he could possibly be a piece of the prophecy that, if fulfilled, would result in her downfall. She begins to draw him to herself by offering him a piece of Turkish Delight and a warm drink. Edmund takes the bait. It was just a small bit of Turkish Delight and what could that hurt? Before we know it though, we see Edmund betraying his family and friends, running alone and eventually captured and jailed. All in pursuit of just a bit more Turkish Delight. The scene with Edmund in jail shackled and desolate breaks my heart. I am that distraught boy. I have sought after my own "Turkish Delight" (relationships, popularity, etc) and instead of the joy and peace I hoped it would bring landed myself with the shackles of guilt and emptiness as I look at what I had done in the pursuit of these things.

Today I am again faced with the truth that I am gearing myself up to continue this sad addiction. James 1:13-16 says:

13When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; 14but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. 15Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. 16Don't be deceived, my dear brothers.

My Turkish Delight is this desire for a relationship. It's not a "bad" thing necessarily, I will someday get married I'm sure. But how do I kill temptation and leave room for God to bring that desire into my life? I know what I must do but I don't want to do it. Surrender. Trust that God knows what the plan is. Finally just give this corner of my heart to Him and watch as He shatters and destroys the idols and altars I have been storing there. It hurts, it's heart-wrenching. But so necessary to give Him room to do what He wants with this corner. I just pray I'll know when the right "decor" passes by.

I guess that's what faith is about huh? Stopping yourself so God can do His work. He will give me what He desires for me and that has to be better than this crazy heart-throwing dance I am doing currently. Since I am desperately vulnerable and honest with all of my readers, you must all think I'm a psycho now. While that my be true in this area, know that I am not in most others. I hope you'll still be my friend. :)

Confusion reigns when faith falters...

I've written about being actively still v. passively moving. I am constantly amazed at how quickly I forget what God shows me.
I began contemplating moving this weekend. And there is a thrill of the new and exciting and what could happen. But as I processed through I realized I was running. Life wasn't happening according to my will here in Fargo, so Minneapolis must be a better place to foster my dreams and ambitions. How interesting that I would believe that? I know for a fact that changing your circumstances rarely changes your heart in matters like this. It also reminds me that there's a bigger plan at work and I don't want to hinder that. I want to be where God is. A verse that pops out to me is this:

Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever (Psalm 73:25-26 NLT).

It continues to remind me that no matter how feeble or wavering my heart is, God is my strength. And my weakness in this case is the desire to run from a job that constantly brings me tears and yet draws me to higher places with the Lord, flee from ministry goals unfulfilled, sprint wildly from a lonely apartment with potential infestation and gun carrying residents. As I look on these things, I realize God has been whispering to me all this time, "I am your strength, give me your heart because I know what to do with it. I know how to grow you, Cassandra. I know how to love you and keep you safe. Why would you desire anything more than that?" I confess, sometimes I think I know what would be best. I think I can pick out the right place or time or person. When I do that though, I take the pen away from the story God wants to write. Wouldn't life be more poetic, beautiful, more everything if it were written by Him? Why would I choose anything besides Him? He created my heart and my desires. He knew the tapestry had a plan long before I showed up. Why must I continue grabbing that pen? At one point last week I simply said, "I'm done." If I truly am, He is in control then. It's a choice I must make to give Him back His authority in my life. I choose to step down off this throne and let Him reign. When He is in the seat of authority in my life, my life becomes a reflection of who He is. And that is ultimately my desire, to be a reflection of my Lover, my joy, my Savior. As the saying goes-I may be the only Bible some will ever read...

uh

I think that sums it up. Uh. It's not bad necessarily, but it's definitely not good. I had a revelatory thought yesterday that is kinda blowing my mind. I'm done-I surrender.
I am at the end of me and I can't go any further. I have run out of resources and strength. I'm broken. I'm tired. I'm weak. But... I'm Yours. And by that I mean God's. I don't often feel like this. Broken, yes. Tired, yes. But defeated? No, not usually. But this world we're living in isn't easy. It's a world of hurt people and shiny things. The other thing this world has is an endless supply of things to waste time... Like facebook and blogging :) Where was I going with this? Oh yes...
I'm done. The beautiful thing about being done is that now-there's nothing but God. I don't really want to exist outside of His ways and Him. I was driving today and realizing that I am passionately in love with God. As I am hurting and sick inside, He sits beside me and holds my hand and tells me "You are mine, I have called you by name." When I'm crying and lonely He is there saying, "I am with you always. You are precious to me." As I lie down in peace and I can still hear Him speaking love to me beyond anything this world can fathom. Am I superChristian or something? No. But I do know that God is lovesick over me. He sent His son to die for me so I can be here, in His presence, without sin or shame. He is ravished by me. He is my Creator. He knows my heart and my head and everything... and YET He loves me.
Do you believe it? I can barely comprehend it, but I know in the deep part of my heart that it's true. How? Because when I look at my heart and my prayers and my life-I can't see anything good outside Him. All of the great things about me are because of Him. He is so patient with me!! Time and again I run to my high places and build my altars to false gods. Yet He draws me back and cleanses me again. I cry and scream that I don't want His way. Yet He holds me and heals me when I am broken and spent. Why do You love me this way God?!? How can You?!? But You do. And He loves you too...