uh

I think that sums it up. Uh. It's not bad necessarily, but it's definitely not good. I had a revelatory thought yesterday that is kinda blowing my mind. I'm done-I surrender.
I am at the end of me and I can't go any further. I have run out of resources and strength. I'm broken. I'm tired. I'm weak. But... I'm Yours. And by that I mean God's. I don't often feel like this. Broken, yes. Tired, yes. But defeated? No, not usually. But this world we're living in isn't easy. It's a world of hurt people and shiny things. The other thing this world has is an endless supply of things to waste time... Like facebook and blogging :) Where was I going with this? Oh yes...
I'm done. The beautiful thing about being done is that now-there's nothing but God. I don't really want to exist outside of His ways and Him. I was driving today and realizing that I am passionately in love with God. As I am hurting and sick inside, He sits beside me and holds my hand and tells me "You are mine, I have called you by name." When I'm crying and lonely He is there saying, "I am with you always. You are precious to me." As I lie down in peace and I can still hear Him speaking love to me beyond anything this world can fathom. Am I superChristian or something? No. But I do know that God is lovesick over me. He sent His son to die for me so I can be here, in His presence, without sin or shame. He is ravished by me. He is my Creator. He knows my heart and my head and everything... and YET He loves me.
Do you believe it? I can barely comprehend it, but I know in the deep part of my heart that it's true. How? Because when I look at my heart and my prayers and my life-I can't see anything good outside Him. All of the great things about me are because of Him. He is so patient with me!! Time and again I run to my high places and build my altars to false gods. Yet He draws me back and cleanses me again. I cry and scream that I don't want His way. Yet He holds me and heals me when I am broken and spent. Why do You love me this way God?!? How can You?!? But You do. And He loves you too...