11:30 PM Tuesday, what the heck?!?

Does time ever escape you? You think it's a nice quiet evening and then something happens and suddenly it's ripped away with stuff to do. And then you realize it's almost midnight and you should go to bed. But-there's so much in your head and fingertips that needs to get out before you can.

For me, writing is a way of releasing some sort of emotional energy. I am acutely aware of the fact that almost no one gets to see these desperate words begging for someone, anyone to notice but I must write or it will just fester. So-sorry for those that do read this :) My sincere apologies for what is about the spew forth...

I really love Anberlin. Tonight I'm listening to this awesome song called "The Unwinding Cable Car". The chorus goes like this: "This is the correlation between salvation and love/Don't drop your arms/I'll guard your heart/With quiet words I'll lead you in" To me, it speaks of this intimate relationship. God is truly the correlation between salvation and love - He gave us salvation that we might know love, His love. It also speaks of His urgency in His call on my life. This si all speculation for this evening mind you and tomorrow I'm sure it'll mean something else. But tonight, tonight it means "Cass-please, please come to Me. Let Me guard you and love you and show you what I want for you!!" There's this desperation. Not that God is desperate for me, but me for Him. I'm utterly lost without Him. Yet, I run from His call. I run because I want something "more" than what He has for me right now. That more could be satisfying for today and maybe even tomorrow, but is it what I really want if it's not centered in God? If I have to manipulate and worry and cry is it really something I can claim glorifies God? Which is what I hold out as the point of my life, right? So-why do I try so hard to chase this illusion? Why do I run so fast from the life I know God wants for me? Honestly, can anyone tell me why we as humans are so dang terrified of God's plan?!? Why would we run if we know, we KNOW that He loves us? All of us? Every piece of us...

Why am I running? Why is my heart growing harder and harder again? Don't let me fall again, Father!

Don't drop your arms/I'll guard your heart/With quiet words I'll lead you in...