Oh February, must you come?

So it is February, a month I usually hate. But after the longest month of my life, it is a welcome change. Why do we get excited about the changing months? I always get excited to start a new habit or diet or whatever but really it's just another day in another year. This blog-not about months though really.

I am sick today. Physically as well as spiritually/emotionally as I am figuring out. Physically those gross green glob-men from the Mucinex commercial have taken up residence in MY lungs now. It's horrible-feel very badly for me and send me chocolate.

On the other note though, I have been struggling with the same issue throughout the month of January. Mainly a "guy thing". As in, I kind of want one but am not mature enough to have one. If you don't know me, when it comes to this arena, I am a 15 year old girl. And since I am actually 26 that is a problem. Other aspects of life-I am quite mature, some would say beyond my years even. But there's this part of my heart that just doesn't shine the joy and love of Jesus like the rest. My question is why? Why is this the hardest thing in the world for me? There are plenty of things for me to pray for-my family's salvation, my ministry, my job, world peace (i was started to sound a little self-absorbed there). Yet, when I come to God with my heavy heart-it's always the same prayer "When is it my turn to have a relationship?"

The rumor on the street is that when I stop looking, I will find him. I'm not looking. I haven't really for a long time, like a year! I cannot help it when good Godly men are placed in my path however. It is here that the problem begins. I mean why would God bring them around if not to bless me and give me that relationship, right? As I am slowly figuring out after this month of torment, the answer to that question is there are a ton of reasons He will put them in my path. One-they need to hear the Word. Two-they need to be encouraged. Three-their parents accidentally hired a psychopath. I could continue but I think you get the idea. So I guess, now that I recognize that guys are humans with needs as well, I can just simply love them like the brothers they are. If only it were that simple for me. This sad, dark little corner in my heart where all this takes place refuses to give up the need to throw my heart foolishly into whoever is passing by. There is no reason, no strategy, no restraint. It's just the reaction that happens when they happen by!! Very frustrating, yet how do I reign it in? How do I fix it?

I did a series in youth group on Edmund from "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe" (aka Narnia, both a book series and a movie). The story of Edmund is interesting because when we look at this allegorical movie we want to be any character but Edmund. Sweet Lucy who finds Narnia, wise Susan who has a motherly instinct, brave and courageous Peter who battles for the land of Narnia. Anyone but Edmund who constantly baits his little sister and disregards any instruction given to him. Edmund follows Lucy into Narnia one night and is met by the White Witch/Queen of Narnia. This lady is bad news. She sees him and finds out he could possibly be a piece of the prophecy that, if fulfilled, would result in her downfall. She begins to draw him to herself by offering him a piece of Turkish Delight and a warm drink. Edmund takes the bait. It was just a small bit of Turkish Delight and what could that hurt? Before we know it though, we see Edmund betraying his family and friends, running alone and eventually captured and jailed. All in pursuit of just a bit more Turkish Delight. The scene with Edmund in jail shackled and desolate breaks my heart. I am that distraught boy. I have sought after my own "Turkish Delight" (relationships, popularity, etc) and instead of the joy and peace I hoped it would bring landed myself with the shackles of guilt and emptiness as I look at what I had done in the pursuit of these things.

Today I am again faced with the truth that I am gearing myself up to continue this sad addiction. James 1:13-16 says:

13When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; 14but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. 15Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. 16Don't be deceived, my dear brothers.

My Turkish Delight is this desire for a relationship. It's not a "bad" thing necessarily, I will someday get married I'm sure. But how do I kill temptation and leave room for God to bring that desire into my life? I know what I must do but I don't want to do it. Surrender. Trust that God knows what the plan is. Finally just give this corner of my heart to Him and watch as He shatters and destroys the idols and altars I have been storing there. It hurts, it's heart-wrenching. But so necessary to give Him room to do what He wants with this corner. I just pray I'll know when the right "decor" passes by.

I guess that's what faith is about huh? Stopping yourself so God can do His work. He will give me what He desires for me and that has to be better than this crazy heart-throwing dance I am doing currently. Since I am desperately vulnerable and honest with all of my readers, you must all think I'm a psycho now. While that my be true in this area, know that I am not in most others. I hope you'll still be my friend. :)