silence

"Let all that I am wait quietly before God,
for my hope is in him." Psalm 62:5

Silence. There's something about silence that is so terrifying. It's like a void of communication. As someone who enjoys open communication, it can be difficult for me to understand others who do not communicate as openly as I might. However, lately I've begun to see the advantages of that philosophy.
I've always loved the fact that when someone knows me, they generally know everything. I have no filter in what I say since I think verbally. And because of that, I fear I may come across as more scatterbrained and flighty than I'd care to. I've recently had a n encounter where my emotions have been reflected back to me in counsel and I was hurt. Really hurt. Is that what I really look like? Honestly? Do I really portray this messed up emotionally volatile adolescent? And I realized that maybe I'd be more acceptable if I were to just keep my thoughts to myself. But now I struggle with this, because that's not how I operate. Well, what if I just limit what I say? See? Here is where a filter would be handy. So, in conclusion, I decided I must just embrace silence.
What this really means for me is understanding that the only one who can handle every thought on everything and every tangent that distracts me is God. And He alone can see what my heart is truly saying and what I really want to express. and as I think back on the last few months, maybe even years, I see how I've run to everyone in my life rather than God with my "issue" of the moment. And you know what? God has used others to point me in the right direction or counsel me or whatever it is that I need.
Here's the turn point though. Today. In the last 24 hours so much has happened that has hurt and refined and shaped my heart I can barely even write this. Friends have said things or not said things and in general, I feel alone and abandoned. I tried to go to someone and they turned on me. I try another avenue and the door is closed. And I'm left to myself with the understanding that God wants what's in my heart more than anything. And He is there to listen. And I need to trust Him with it - He is the only one who can do anything about it anyway, right? So, here you are, Lord. Here's my heart back, please keep it. Teach me how to wait quietly for You alone and practice silence...