Confusion reigns when faith falters...

I've written about being actively still v. passively moving. I am constantly amazed at how quickly I forget what God shows me.
I began contemplating moving this weekend. And there is a thrill of the new and exciting and what could happen. But as I processed through I realized I was running. Life wasn't happening according to my will here in Fargo, so Minneapolis must be a better place to foster my dreams and ambitions. How interesting that I would believe that? I know for a fact that changing your circumstances rarely changes your heart in matters like this. It also reminds me that there's a bigger plan at work and I don't want to hinder that. I want to be where God is. A verse that pops out to me is this:

Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever (Psalm 73:25-26 NLT).

It continues to remind me that no matter how feeble or wavering my heart is, God is my strength. And my weakness in this case is the desire to run from a job that constantly brings me tears and yet draws me to higher places with the Lord, flee from ministry goals unfulfilled, sprint wildly from a lonely apartment with potential infestation and gun carrying residents. As I look on these things, I realize God has been whispering to me all this time, "I am your strength, give me your heart because I know what to do with it. I know how to grow you, Cassandra. I know how to love you and keep you safe. Why would you desire anything more than that?" I confess, sometimes I think I know what would be best. I think I can pick out the right place or time or person. When I do that though, I take the pen away from the story God wants to write. Wouldn't life be more poetic, beautiful, more everything if it were written by Him? Why would I choose anything besides Him? He created my heart and my desires. He knew the tapestry had a plan long before I showed up. Why must I continue grabbing that pen? At one point last week I simply said, "I'm done." If I truly am, He is in control then. It's a choice I must make to give Him back His authority in my life. I choose to step down off this throne and let Him reign. When He is in the seat of authority in my life, my life becomes a reflection of who He is. And that is ultimately my desire, to be a reflection of my Lover, my joy, my Savior. As the saying goes-I may be the only Bible some will ever read...