Whatever it looks like, whatever it feels like

It's a breaking day. Breaking days are... good, sort of. Good in a painful way. Like when you clean out a wound and it stings like heck, but you know you needed to do it. Today is really a continuation of yesterday for me. Which is generally how consecutive weekdays go I guess. As Friday it's a great day to realize the week is almost over and there's this feeling of trying to get it all done before the day is over so the weekend can be truly free. I'll be working tomorrow anyway, but here's the story:

My job is difficult, it's multi-faceted, tedious at times, definitely requires all brainpower I possess. And yesterday I had a conference call that really shot down whatever confidence I had in myself to do this job. The nice lady basically tells that I should be further along on a particular project than I am which threw me into crisis mode. I'm not doing well enough, I can't do this! I am completely unprepared for this kind of job!! Add to that losing my phone, stupid emails, endless ministry and a cold - you pretty much have a walking sack of tears and whining. So, this is where I am today...

After talking with my beautiful mentor, we decided I needed to spend some time with the Lord and we closed my door and she left me to it. Starting off with a wonderful Misty Edwards song I began to just unload. As I sat on my prayer dock in my mind, I began throwing these things out into the water, one by one. And they just kept coming up and I just kept throwing. Projects, grants, jobs, law school, men, church, on and on they kept coming up. And finally, I felt like I had thrown my whole life in and I was just standing there bare and broken and a little bruised from it all. And as I stood there, this line came on in the song "I am Yours, whatever it looks like, whatever it feels like..." And I realized (again!!) that God loved me without any achievement, without any merits, without anything. He loved just as I stood there heaving everything away and all He wanted from me was to seek Him. He was the one who will change me and grow me, He will direct my paths if I choose to acknowledge Him, He will carry these burdens for me. And more than everything, He loves this little girl who keeps trying to live her life by her standards and He will gladly reach down and strip away all the ropes she binds around herself to keep from truly enjoying the life He's given her.

So, rope-free as I am now, I want to go forward today with a renewed sense of simple. A joy in just being me. An ever-growing love for my Abba Daddy, who walks with me today and every day. Sometimes, He even has to carry me for awhile, but He'll be there to do it if that's what it takes to keep me moving in His direction...