And then there's the rain...

I love rain. It's usually cool and refreshing. It reminds me of growth since without the water, there'd be no.. well anything that grows. But, the best thing about rain? It' washes away the dirt. Off the streets, off cars, off stuff, out of the air. the air is usually so clean after it rains. So clear. It's like a new place when the rain clears off and the sun comes out. We appreciate the sun so much more because of the rain. so, today it's raining.
My personal rain, not so much like regular rain. Personal rain is actually kind of painful and usually lasts longer than one hopes. It'll stay until there's clear air to be had. Sometimes, personal rain can last a very very long time. I hope today's will be over quickly cuz this hurts like hell.
The thing I like about writing is that it allows me to get what's in my head onto paper (per se) and then I can read back and laugh at how silly I was. So, today I read back through some old blogs. But I didn't laugh. The needs, the desperate cries, the pleas for deliverance. Not one answered. Not even a bit. Today I am as heartbroken and desperate and completely stressed as I have been for about a year it seems. I was listening to a Linkin Park song and there's a line that says "the pace is too fast/you just won't last" or something close. That is a little bit of how I feel. I'm running dangerously close to the edge of my cliffs and it's only a slight breeze before I fall over the side. But even as I grasp for the more stable ground, there's a desperate pull to just let it all go and fall. Just go. And even as I imagine the terrifying descent, I understand that is exactly what I do need. To let go. Give it up. Let far more able hands take care of what I need. And God will be there to help me pick up the broken pieces again. He'll be there to repair the cracks and form new shapes out of the mishandled clay. He will hide me in the shadow of his wing and guard me from the arrows. But right now, I'm still just toppling and the ground isn't getting any closer.
At what point do you say - I'm done? When can we safely give up the hope we've clung to? Is there a place us disillusioned and disappointed recovering hopers can go to just be healed and restored before we attempt to feel anything again? If there is, I wish i had directions today....