I am a Rockstar...

Do you ever think about being a rockstar? Maybe you play a mean air guitar. Or sing very loudly in your car (Note: if this is you, remember to roll your window up before serenading everyone next to you at the stoplight, just a personal observation from my own "I totally sound like Madonna!!" days). Does Guitar Hero, or even the thought of playing, excite you to no end because you know you can rock out and be legit while doing it and you're not just crazy? Then yes-you too must be a rockstar.

At last night's Skillet concert here in Fargo, I had the opportunity to rock out just a bit and it renewed a longing in my heart I have never really pursued. The desire to be a rocker chick. Now, I must preface with this note, I have no musical talent. When I was younger I always hoped to get really good at the viola and dreamed of playing electric viola in a rock band. When I graduated, my parents gave me a guitar for my present. I still wonder if they just misheard my "I want a car" and instead heard "I want a guitar." So, I did my best to teach myself guitar and I got some of the basics, but nowhere near the level I would need to be a rockstar or even lead youth group worship. It comes down to my ever present underlying issue of self-control.

Self-control is by far the worst thing I deal with because I don't have it. At all. Seriously, none. I didn't have enough self-control in this case to practice. And thus, my dreams of rock and roll have been stunted. But, after seeing chick rockers in action, I feel that burning desire to go pick up my guitar and play. Well, I also have a desire to get another tattoo, but that isn't really what this is about...

What this all brings about is a question in my mind about who I am and where I am in my life. This week has been especially tough. There is this job that I figure I'm perfect for. It's youth, it's ministry, it's focus is teen girls. I'm a teen girl at heart and love ministry! It's perfect for me!! But there are many many voices in my world saying "No." This disheartens me and I have to step back reeling asking myself - Who am I? What am I doing with my life? Where am I going? I think, for me, this question can be answered in a short but sweet phrase - "As for you, follow me." (John 21:22). It's harder than you tihnk to just be still. Especially when you are a planner and you want to know what to expect and how to prepare best. I think on things(whether money, men or material) and figure I know what's best for me, how it could work out, when it should happen. But isn't this ultimately taking away from the joy and adventure of following God? What I'm doing is removing His sovereignty and replacing it with mine. Yes, I have free will, but I want HIS will, not my human attempt.

So today, I am choosing to continue to be still and settle into the course. If I think about it, it's a lot like white water rafting. The course is set and it isn't always smooth sailing, but there's a direction. The current will pull me along it if I just allow it to. I will have to work hard to stay on course and not flip my raft, but it's really a constant pull in the right direction. I find myself trying to go back up the stream though and it's hard but sometimes I really push for it and I have to be reminded that when I'm looking back or around, I miss what's ahead of ME. I lose sight of the path I'm riding down. May I be focused up and ahead on the Creator of the course and the current of my heart.