At best it's been a vapor...

I'm in a place between humbled and despair. It's a darker place yet not entirely bad. I'm struck by the life I have lived thus far and the temporary gods I've chased to no avail. Even if I achieved what I strived to do, the races have long since been forgotten. Misty Edwards sings in her song, "Life has been a vapor, at best it's been a vapor." Do I want to live my life to see it pass on the wind or do I want to leave an eternal legacy behind when I go? If I were to answer with my heart, it's all about legacy. However, my mind and probably hormones say I want something that will please for todayand probably tomorrow, but in the end-is eternity affected?

Square One

It comes back again... The dreaded issue plaguing me all my life. The ever elusive loneliness that lurks in the dark reaches of my heart. Tonight it began as I watched TV alone and the snow storm raged outside my window. It would seem each time I let God have my heart fully, He answers these small miracle prayers only to make me want more and then I end up back where I began wanting what I cannot have - at least not yet. I never understand why I can't just take things at their face value and be happy with that. Why is contentment such a hard thing? It's nights like tonight that I fall asleep to lies and pre-recorded tapings of how and why exactly I am alone. I hate nights like tonight...