Have you been Twilightized?

It’s the classic tale of an ordinary, average girl falling for the extraordinarily dazzling bad boy at school. Except this bad boy may want more than a date. Twilight is the story of Isabella Swan and Edward Cullen, a vegetarian vampire. If you haven’t heard about it by now, you may need to check your own pulse.

Before I go any further let me say I have read all the books, seen the movie multiple times, and enjoy both. There is an appealing story to be found in this series. What girl doesn’t want to be cherished, protected, and found beautiful by a man? And the way Twilight is written, any girl can be Bella, the love of Edward’s incredibly long life. But before we get carried away in that alternate reality, let’s remember some key truths about who we are and God’s plans for our own adventures.

Perfectly Created

A large theme found in Twilight is Bella’s desire to become like Edward (a vampire) in order to spend her life with him. I understand the desire to love someone so intensely but what are you giving up to achieve that end? And what is it you gain in the end? To give up who you are, in any shape or form, alters who God formed you to be. Remember that part in the Bible where we are knit together by God in our mother’s womb? He hand-crafted you in a way that is unique to you alone. You are already a personal brand of YOU, an original. By changing who you are (or what), you risk losing what you were made for. We all want a purpose and passion in our life. It’s be pretty boring without one. But God tells us He already knows the plans He has for us, plans for hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). Let’s seek HIM first, not a guy or a story or whatever you’re looking for your story in apart from Him.

Love v Lust

I know, I know. Edward is just in love with Bella, and she him. They HAVE to be that intense and obsessed. I mean, that’s what love is like, right? Actually, no. Love is nothing like that. Lust is though. Lust is defined as an intense longing or craving. Love, on the other hand is a little more difficult to characterize. To know what love looks like, we really need only look at the cross Jesus died on.

“By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers.” ~ 1 John 3:16 (ESV)

Some words to ponder when trying to understand what true love is: selfless or others oriented, sacrificing, pure, redeeming, unconditional, enriching, purpose-driven. Do these apply in Bella and Edward’s relationship? You’ll see a few words you might associate with love are missing. Like over-protective, obsessed, controlling? Love is something you choose. God asks us to love Him freely; He does not force us to choose Him but rather waits for us to. The “love” we see portrayed in Twilight and many romances of our times would have us believe the characters simply fall helplessly in love with no option. And the trick is they cause us to believe that’s how we find love as well. We can fall into lust; love is a choice we make. I don’t think I need to discuss what God has to say about lust.

Parental Authority

I love Charlie. He’s so awkward and clueless about his daughter. Most parents probably are. They remember being a teen but it seems so much different now. Or maybe they just aren’t sure they know what to say or do to best guide you in making the right decisions. But in the end, God has given them charge and authority over their children. He also has some things to say to us children in regards to our parents.

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord..” ~ Ephesians 6:1-4 (ESV)

Bella and Edward do not directly disobey their parents as far as we know, but there is deception aplenty. The fact that Bella is thankful for the fact that her father does not hover alludes to the fact that he also won’t ask questions when she would rather not discuss things. Edward’s constant presence in her room at any time of the day or night would probably be frowned upon if Charlie had known I would think. The blatant dishonesty when they leave for Phoenix after learning James is tracking Bella reflects a clear disregard for Charlie’s opinion on the matter at hand. I know it sounds harsh and the last thing we as children want to hear is “Parents know best”, but the truth is they are adults and have more experience. If you have a believing family, they should be instructing you in the ways of the Lord as Ephesians points out. If not, they are still your parents and have the authority to have a say in your upbringing and there are probably some believing adults in your life that you can trust to guide you biblically. As a teenager, I didn’t have a believing family but I found many adults working with our youth group or in my church that were willing to help me seek God for knowledge and purpose in decisions. Even as an adult, I seek out the advice and wisdom of other adults with more experience than I have.

The point is this: your parents love you and have been charged with protecting and caring for you. By shutting them out or deceiving them, you are in disobedience to what God has called you to as a child. You are also missing out on an opportunity to learn from someone’s success or mistake in a situation that, believe it or not, is probably familiar to them. Besides, do you want to miss the astonished look of surprise when you ask for your parent’s advice on something? To accept that they might well know a thing or two is more a sign of maturity than declaring they know nothing and forging your own path naively. I promise you will trip somewhere along the way, but I would guess your folks will help you pick up the pieces if you ask. But remember, they might also throw in an “I told you so” for good measure.

So, with those thoughts, I’d like to finish up by simply asking a favor of you. As you read the Twilight series or watch the movie, remember that this is simply a story – not a life, not an ideal, not reality. Fiction is meant to expand our minds and fuel our imagination. But it is by no means reality. Edward Cullen is not waiting for you in Biology next year. A boy watching you as you sleep or following you is not romantic. And while you may feel you identify with Bella perfectly, you are NOT Bella. Twilight is a story and is created completely as such. Stories allow characters to be perfect and sparkly, but they are not intended to exist. So, please be aware of what you are reading and remember that as magical as it all seems to be, God has a far more realistic and specifically designed journey in mind for YOU.

“But he knows the way that I take;when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold.My foot has held fast to his steps;I have kept his way and have not turned aside.I have not departed from the commandment of his lips;I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my portion of food.But he is unchangeable, and who can turn him back?What he desires, that he does.For he will complete what he appoints for me, and many such things are in his mind.” ~ Job 23:10-14 (ESV)

The Absence of... something?

I don't know what the hole is. Or what should be there. But there it is, a slightly gaping abscess within me. It's not a spiritual thing or even a physical thing. No, this just seems to be the absence of something - not quite hope, and not joy. Maybe it's just boredom or a slump. Maybe the beginnings of a full on mental collapse. I'm really not sure. But I can feel it tonight.

If you know me, you've heard my discussion and struggle with the Twilight series and now the movie. I enjoy the books, fully realizing their impossibilities. Not just the vampire fantasy but also the weak attempt at a heroine in Bella Swan and the perfection of Edward Cullen. But I enjoy fantasy and imagining the impossible. I mean, I realize life should be lived and fully support realistic fiction or non-fiction work, but I love diving into a world completely unlike my own. Let's be honest, reality does nothing for the imagination. Well, mine anyway. Especially of late. So this evening I was checking up on blogs and articles and ran across quite a few discussions about Twilight. And they were all very harsh in their commentaries about the movie/books and the unrealistic and unhealthy obsession of many of the fans. Not to mention frequent comments addressing issues like abuse, conformity, and simply the utter helplessness of our heroine Bella. Yes, i see what you are saying, but can't I enjoy something? And here I ask myself - should I really be enjoying these? Is this a conviction thing? In the end of the reasoning though I see that it is just a story to me. One I enjoy reading. Is that bad?

It would seem of late that I'm really not be trusted when it comes to making any kind of decision. Alas at every turn I'm confronted with how others see me and it's not pretty. Am I really so "ugly"? I mean, I feel like I am in a good place for once and all I hear is I shouldn't watch that or that I'm lazy. Can everyone just let up for a second? I cling to the idea that diamonds are created by intense pressure on rocks. I'm just a really pressured rock right now but I'm hoping to turn out as a diamond.

With work stress a constant pressure and home no longer being the refuge it was, I have found myself at a loss for rest. Peace. REM. I have no idea when i last woke up ready for the day and not deadly tired. I just can't seem to stay asleep. Maybe it's this hole I can't figure out...

Pieces

"I'm here again/A thousand miles away from you/ A broken mess, just scattered pieces of who I am/I tried so hard/Thought I could do this on my own/ I've lost so much along the way" - RED

I'm asking the question "Who Am I?" again. Should we be so fluid and changing in who we are? Should we be so disconnected from what we feel is our true purpose? Can we truly know our purposes? All these ideas and thoughts and flashes of soul seem to be mixing in my heart these days that beg an answer. Who am I and who should I be?

There's a beauty in brokenness to be certain. The utter loss of pride and strength required to be re-fashioned into a more clear replica of an image-bearer of Christ. But the torture of not seeing ahead and knowing what you'll look like in the end can almost override that joy at times. What more can I give up and lose to be more like You?

I'm intrigued and thirsty for the idea of "waiting on the Lord". We move too quickly these days. Always running from one place or person to another and there's never a downtime. Why? Why must we fill our lives to brimming each and every moment? Because we all know we get to a point where we have nothing left to give and we will lose it all. I prefaced all of this with the lyrics form the song "Pieces" by RED because it feels a little like an anthem to me these days. I am in pieces and completely incapable of seeing who I am right now, or even the direction to be heading. But God does see... "I've come undone/ But you make sense of who I am /Like puzzle pieces in your eye." I can't see what the picture will look like but I know I can trust in the One who does. These places of brokenness and humility and uncertainty are beautiful reminders to me that I am not the one who holds it together. I don't have the agenda or the plan. I am simply a piece of His Story and He writes my parts. When I get to this point of holding onto it all so tightly that He doesn't have the room to move as He wants, I should know by now there will be some breaking off of the vines I am growing on my own. "Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me." -John 15:4

So, may we abide in the Lord alone and stop growing our own vines. May we rejoice in His pruning. May we learn to love placing it all in His hands and letting Him do the moving and growing and leading.

Bittersweet Blessings

It's been a difficult weekend. I'm not helping myself any by watching Felicity non-stop. Seriously, I've watched two and half seasons in as many days. But, here's what I've learned. Sometimes, the things I think I want turn out to be the exact things I couldn't handle. I know, life isn't a young adult drama show, no one gets a script and things don't come through when you need them. There is a little bit about the human condition though, portrayed in this series in particular. Whether it's about loving people or financial crisis or figuring out who you're supposed to be. I'm finding this weekend that I am just about as lost in my own little drama of my own making as Felicity is in her scripted one. With the exception of the Ben/Noel dilemma of course. Which, is kinda the purpose of this blog.
You know, in looking back through prior blogs, I've spent my share of writing on relationships and guys and whether or not I'll ever have one. So, today, I'm just reflecting on how the absence of one can be a bittersweet blessing of sorts. Well, I can watch Felicity for a whole weekend. I can not care that I just ate a whole pint of Ben & Jerry's this weekend because I'm not staying beautiful for anyone. I can sleep sideways if I want. I can waste my time dreaming of law school and studying as if I can actually take the LSAT. I can move anywhere I want (in theory)... In reality, the list can go on, but not one of those things is the best case scenario for what my heart aches and longs for. The closest I can come to achieving my dreams is working towards being a lawyer. And it's only because it is the one thing in my life I can control. I can't pray enough to get what I want. I can't be good enough, or beautiful enough, or even smart enough. But I can try. Try to study, learn, and hold onto that dream. But, it's all at the expense, or voluntary sacrifice, of the other dreams I've just hoped would be part of my life, you know like normal people. It's been a long time since I've felt like a normal person though. Which, is in itself a bit of a bittersweet blessing.

Rejoicing

I'm happy today. Like, really happy!! I'd like to say it's these amazing pills, but I know differently. I've been reading an excellent book called "Searching For God Knows What" by Donald Miller and it is blowing my mind. Much like "Blue Like Jazz" did when I first read that book. It's just all these ideas about living life in relationship with Jesus. From seeing God as formulaic to understanding why I live a holy life; I am just being revolutionized. And maybe it has something to do with where I am these days which is happier, but I think there is something more at work.

I've had some opportunities lately to talk candidly about faith and why I believe what I believe and it's been kinda cool to see what comes out of my mouth fully realizing that I cannot take the credit for what God has done in this life of mine. And something that continues to come up is how I know God/Jesus/Christianity is the Way. It's a tough question and "I just know" isn't a readily accepted answer. But, it's true. Knowing God does something in my inner heart. Somewhere in my spirit something flares at worshipping Him and parts of my heart stretch out and yearn when I read the Bible. These are places and things that happen that I cannot explain with words or try to make people understand. They are also not things I can replicate with any earthly attempts. No, these longings and encounters are part of my creation, more deeply woven into my being than anything else I can see. And it's because I was created to know God. I know I am exactly who I was created to be when I am in awe and wonder and longing for this Husband of mine. He has created me to be His Beloved! What is more beautiful and enchanting than that?

So, all of that to say I feel so loved and content and happy today because I KNOW God, and I continue to know Him more. And that my friends, is true joy. So, come rejoice with me!!



"I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit."

~Romans 15:13 (NLT)

Mental Capacity Threshold has been reached...

The stress of the "Big Project" is kind of over. Well, phase 1. And I was hoping for some downtime or at least some breathing space. I have gotten some of that. It's definitely been less stressful of late. But something I was reading about today really struck me. It was an article on multi-tasking and our ability these days to do it so well, in fact we can barely NOT do it. That really applied to me, I though as I read. And what nasty side-effects occur when one is constantly juggling so many things in the air?

I've determined there are three things that I have suffered from since making multi-tasking my primary operation mode:
1- I am never quiet in my head. Ever. Even when I am simply sitting on a couch, I am making lists and worrying and writing potential grants. I am never in silence. This is not good. I probably see this most clearly in my spiritual walk as I haven't stopped long enough to just BE with God. I kinda run in and run out, crying out for peace all the way. I wonder if fifteen minutes of uninterrupted quiet and sitting would really throw my schedule off that much. No, you're right - it wouldn't.
2- I can't look at people. I can't engage anyone in conversation. I've noticed this horrifying trend most when I sit down for coffee with someone and find I cannot look them in the eye for more than five seconds before my brain starts to disengage and begins making lists. This is bad, who wants to know I'm not really listening but simply sitting in their presence?
3- I don't produce clear thoughts in speaking or writing without much effort. I am not as thorough as I usually am. I am acting as if I am burnt out and can't get past this wall in my head. And maybe my mind is protecting me from burn out by shutting off certain things in order to focus me in on more important ones. I don't know.

So, that's the life of this multi-tasker today. I'm praying I can sit in silence this evening for just 15 minutes; in worship, in prayer, in reading. Just 15 minutes of one task, and nothing else creeping in.

"O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you;my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water. So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory. Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands."

~Psalm 63:1-4

The Older the Fiddler, the Sweeter the Tune...

Yep - that's a proverb, English apparently. And today I want to embrace that idea that as I grow one more year older, I produce a sweeter tune on fiddle of life... okay, that's a little corny, but let's go with it shall we?

Yes, today is my 28th birthday and I have been dreading it for eons it feels. This is it, the year I swore I'd be married by and kids and blah blah blah - cuz my mom was my age now when she got married and had me. And while I know, truly I do, this is slightly antiquated and insane to want to be where my mom was, I still have this part in my heart that does. And before everyone starts saying "It'll happen" and "The right guy...", I'd like to make a statement. Those things are not promises of God, and they are too easily desires NOT of God that consume my life. So, let's not feed the beast, okay? I was journalling and singing and enjoying my coffee this morning and as worship songs started to mend up the holes in my overly stretched soul, I heard some beautiful things. Things like this:

• Your light will shine when all else fails
• I stand with arms high and heart abandoned
• The fog is finally clear to see the beautiful life you've given me
• And the only thing I need is a void you can fill and I'll jump ship and run even further in your will
• If I never walk on water, if I never see the miracles, if I never hear your voice so loud, well just knowing that you love me is enoguh to keep me here, just hearing those words is enough to satisfy
• I'm stained with dirt prone to depravity, and you are everything that is bright and clean, the antonym of me, you are divinity.
• From the broken earth, flowers come up

Hmm, good things, each of them. And the thing that blends them all together is that it's about God and His path, His plan, His will. will I be a mom someday? Maybe, but I'm not o nthat path today. What about law school? Certainly possible, but again, what does He have for me today? I stood in church worshipping this morning and remembered the tattoo on my wrist and what it meant, not just to me but to those I've shared the Gospel with because of it.

If I say, "I will not mention him, or speak any more in his name," there is in my heart as it were a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I am weary with holding it in, and I cannot.

So, I am reminded, I am called to be a messenger of the Lord, His voice in my world. My life should be lived as an outward reflection of His work in my heart. And is it? Well, I'm hoping it will be a more intentional pursuit of that kind of life this year as I embrace the path I AM on, and not pine for the path that I'm not.

This Fool is Through

I love swimming. I mean - like really love it. And I think I know why now. It's a very solo thing, you and the water, underwater you can't hear anything, it's just so relaxing to let the voices be silenced. I like people, but I really am starting to realize there is such a thing as being peopled out. I am not an extrovert at all!! I like my alone time, I kinda savor not speaking for a whole day, I read to escape. So, there you go.

Today I am going swimming and my reasons are many and varied. But mostly, I am just done dealing with things beyond myself. Heck, I'm done dealing with things within myself. Maybe I'm just done dealing... The funny thing is, a song just popped on through my iPod. "Hold On" by Good Charlotte. And the lines goes "We all bleed the same way as you do and we all have the same things to go through". And while this song is primarily about suicide, even in a perfectly mentally healthy person there is a point and place where we just don't wanna do it anymore, whatever it is. And what then? What happens when we stop? Are we really running in futile anyway? I mean, how do we ever know when something is worth our passion and pursuit? All I do know is that things in my life currently have become my passion and pursuit that have nothing to do with my purpose. Coming out of the haze of the last few months, the last thing I need is to be pouring out my freshly caught springs of hope and joy prematurely.

One thing I absolutely love about this blog is that virtually no one reads it, or tells me they do anyway, and I can be so very obscure in referencing. So, good luck deciphering that one my friend. If you get it, I'm proud of you :)

What's My Age Again?

Ah Springtime. The air is ripe with the smells of blooming flowers, fresh cut grass, and freedom. Even though I have been a graduated adult for over five years now, I still remember the freedom of being done with the school year and the anticipation of summer. Even the days are longer!! And in this time of year, graduations abound.

I attended just such an occassion this weekend. Well, the open house part anyway, and I realized as I was writing my little note in the graduate's card, that I could take some of my own advice. I being the wise woman I am, decided to impart such wisdom upon my dear friend. Mainly, I told her that the funny thing about graduating, in particular from high school, is that you're a kid today and tomorrow you're expected to be an adult. The most asked question becomes "What are you going to DO with your life?" I finished up this particular sentiment with an admonition to seek after God (preferably with the devo and journal I gave her) so she can keep her feet on the right path as she works through this journey. And I got to thinking, what am I doing with my life? How have I become an adult? or not, as the case may be?

I'm realizing as I am finishing up my 20s that I am in a weird place i never thought I would be. I am still single when I'd always thought I'd be married working on kids by now. I'm in a non-profit job writing and reading most of my day when I thought I would be in either photography or full-time ministry by this time in my life. I have a stellar group of friends which is such a blessing and I never really thought I could be the 'cool kid'. So, in all - adulthood has exceeded my expectations, in most areas. Even the singleness is relatively tolerable, today anyway :) However, the journey to get here? wouldn't wish it on anyone. As my readers probably know, my journey has seen a number of dark days - whether simply in emotion or in actual. And each episode of trial has brought something to the table in way of my attitudes, reactions, and overall character. And each piece has its place. But the real question is this: how do you prepare someone for LIFE? Do you simply do as I did and plead that they seek God at each turn and hope they'll make it through? do you give details of your own journey hoping they won't make the same mistakes? How do you prepare yourself for life?

As these questions roll through my head this weekend, I am reminded again of how faithful God is to take on our loads and give us peace. While I may want to sit down and diagram out the trials and terrors of my past in order to strategically plan to avoid them in the future, I know ultimately that I am - well, I am Cassandra. And I will fall again. but, is there something I can do to make sure my fall isn't as deadly as it has been in the past? Even now, I can see myself playing with fire and hoping I can just dance around enough to avoid getting burned. But in the end, I will get burned - or worse, I'll build up a callus to avoid even feeling the pain. So, I guess I still have some growing up to do myself.

Beauty in Broken Vessels

It's been awhile since I've blogged positively, and for that I'm sorry. I'm doing much better than I have been lately. Things are settling and more importantly, I am finding my soul settling back into the arms of God again. But, this wilderness time has grown me so I cannot say I do not appreciate the time.
Yesterday I was attending a church I really enjoy. I have been asking the Lord to bring me a peace somewhere, anywhere, that He would want for me to attend. And last week, during a worship set, I felt that overwhelming and beautiful sense of peace, just peace like being home. So, I guess that could be it - but to be sure, I have continued asking for more "signs" if you will of this being the church. And so we come to yesterday and the purpose of this blog.
I love to worship through music. Sometimes words aren't even necessary, but most of the time I find myself echoing the words of songs in my heart, my spirit. And it's just so calming. I see why people like meditation, and really this is a form of that. Ps 19 asks that the meditations of my heart be pleasing so I'm okay with saying that :) Anyway, so in the midst of worship I was granted a snapshot of the condition of my heart. And it was devastating. The words that struck me so much from the song were things like God being on His throne and His unfailing love. In addition to that, a verse was shared that also shaped this revelation:

If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land. ~ 2 Chronicles 7:14

What position was I in? Knelt down bowing before my God, pleading for His will? No, I was standing proudly, bargaining for grace with a God who is holy beyond comprehension. I found myself complacent and disillusioned with who God is, truly is, and who I am. I've heard it again and again that this life is about God's will, not my own. I've taught on it!! But, yesterday I was hit with the hypocrisy of the life I was living with the life I was offered. God is great. Not just good and pleasant and loving kind of great, but great in majesty, holiness, power, kingship, etc... He is great! And I am a broken human, hardly worthy of His grace and salvation - but He extends it wholeheartedly. Because He loves me, dearly. He chose me. He reached into the mud to pull me out of my sin and bondage to give me a life of freedom and joy. And I keep running back to the mud or challenge Him. Yesterday, I faced this piece of my heart and I'd like to say I changed my ways, but it's a slow process of making an internal realization an external reality. This has floored me to be sure. I look at my use of time, money and strength and see only me. Where have I put God? Where have I allowed room for Him to move and work and shape? I've put Him in a room, a designated space where it's safe to keep Him. And I've allowed that space to get smaller and smaller until I can barely say He holds any part of my heart. But as we know, when we bring these things to light, we expose the darkness. And in that truth, there is freedom. We are not bound by our sin anymore. We are free to worship! So, today, this moment, I choose worship and joy and God - above me, anything of me.

Is there hope?

Not today it seems. Just a weird day today. I joined one of those online dating things and it's not bad, but it's not really great either. I'm faced with an honest look at who I am in yet another facet of my life. This being my appeal to the opposite sex. And what I think I've determined is that I just am not what guys are looking for. Which is ok. Dating and marriage aren't in the cards for everyone, you know. I know, I know, I've said it before. But today, there's a sad peace in knowing it could very well just be my fate. I mean, if it's just not the plan, then it's not that I've failed at anything or that I'm unattractive or any of that. It just means it's not the plan for me. And I guess I'm ok with that, or I'll have to be. There is so much more to life than this little "problem". So, as usual, I need some action steps. The first, ride out the membership to the site until I can close it I guess. Next, keep the end in mind. I'm reminded of the scriptures I read about waiting on the Lord and striving hard for the goal without disqualifying yourself, etc... And I remember that I should have joy simply in being chosen by God. And thanks to a great friend, I am reminded also that it's God who gives that joy, not anything in this world. So, Spirit, come and heal and restore that I may experience joy again. That's all I can hope for.

Chaos Personified

I've never been so stressed out in my life. It kinda feels like I am walking down an icy street in high heels while carrying very expensive china plates and wearing a very expensive dress. You know what's gonna happen. I'm gonna drop the plates, fall on my butt ruining the dress, and probably break a bone. It's not a possibility, it's a definite... And I am just on the edge of the fall right now it feels like. Waiting for everything to crash and burn. Yes, work is a pretty huge part of this, some could be people or friends, and a tiny sliver my impending fear that no man will ever love me. But put all of that together, and you have a disaster waiting to happen... New Found Glory has this song entitled "Failure's Not Flattering", and I feel like the first verse is really me these days.:

what's your problem
can't you see it
and you go and blow it
like everyone knows you will

Am I really a failure? Am I really seen as such? The song goes on to say "Why don't you get it together now? Failure's not flattering." And I can't help but wonder why I can't get it together. I can only hope that things get better some day soon, preferably before I crash and burn myself... which does seem imminent at this point...

Recent Life Additions

It's been awhile and what a scary place to leave folks hanging. So, of late, things are moving and shifting and changing, much is questioned and less is realized. I'm doing better, but there is still a great tendency towards running and just wanting to be left alone. I'm sure I'll like people again one day :) Seriously though, the desire to just push people out of my life is indeed a felt struggle right now. I think I'm trying to be invisible again and relieve people from what I feel is their duty to love me and support me. Like I'm saying, "I know, I'm really difficult, you don't have to stay. I want you to live a good life, let me go." So what does that say? Not sure...

On a wholly unrelated topic, I have become an avid fan of the show Prison Break. Whoa! That's all I gotta say (PB fans, you know what I'm saying wink wink). Great show, but I am also realizing that there are a lot of words connected to being a fan of anything. Fan-atic. Fan-tastic. Fan-tasize. Fan-fare.... I could go on, but I think we can see the emotional roller coaster being a fan of anything can be. Right now, I just finished the last season and am eagerly awaiting the next along with a large group of my closest friends. The hilarious thing is a month ago I got annoyed when people would talk about this show and now I have turned into them... I won't get into it, but know I am fully aware of my hypocrisy. But my question is this - at what point does healthy enjoyment cross over to obsession? I don't have an answer for that, I don't THINK I'm at that point but it's good food for thought. So that's the update for now.

Sick Cycle Carousel

Here we go again. So reminiscent of the time years ago when I said, "My way!" The human desires lurk around the edges of my mind, invading my consciousness and birthing unquenchable thirst for what I cannot have. Temptation is not new to me, but this - this I cannot ignore and place in the palm of God as He would have me do. I cannot expose this. I cannot pray through this. In fact, I cannot even say I do not want it. Instead, I covet the thoughts and feed on the feelings. I turn away from what I know to be good and embrace what is sick and deluded. In it all though, my greatest fear and source of hopelessness is that I want this more than God right now. In honesty, I say that. And let's be real for once in our lives, we have all been here - where something, anything seems better than what He would have for us at this moment. But how do you remember His goodness in the midst of this?

"I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living! Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!"
~Psalm 27:13-14 (ESV)

Wilderness Days

I'm drawn back to Hosea 2 today. I'd post it, but it's long. So just go read it. I feel stuck in verses 1-13, awaiting the rest of the chapter where God speaks to me tenderly and lets me call Him My Husband. But here I am in a place of constant loss of the things that war with my desire for God. It's a good thing, I guess, to be stripped bare and humiliated as your sin is laid out for all to see. I've been listening to a few new songs and a running theme is that God is relentless, not giving up until He has everything. Also an all consuming fire. He wants it all. And until He's got it, He'll keep burning and refining as painful as it may be.
I'm at the end of me today. It's a day of dreariness as I look out at the sunless sky and in my own heart things are kinda dead. Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe I'm just stressed out. But what if maybe I'm letting hope die? I've blogged recently about hoping in the Lord and letting that be our hope cuz God is faithful to fulfill that hope. But, today, I'm not feeling it. At each mention of God being present I find myself scoffing inside asking "Really? God, You're here, in this?" What hurts even more is that He is the one orchestrating what I feel is unnecessary pain and toil. But I know God's character - He is Sovereign meaning His hand is in this and He loves me so there must be reason. I just hope it will be understood before I waste away in anger and bitterness.

Hope Without Disappointment

Spring is coming and it is glorious! The weather will be above zero ALL WEEK!! I am really excited for that. Although, I am sick so I will not really be enjoying it that much other than from the comfort of my own bed and patio. But just knowing it's coming is so great.
And just as us North Dakotas (or any other region that experiences the dreariness and cold of winter) look expectantly towards green grass and rain showers, each of us has something we hope for. Something we look forward to, strive towards. Something we feel we must press in and wait for. This weekend I listened to a great podcast by Don Miller on hope and how it changes lives. He began by referencing an interview with Tom Brady (pre-SuperBowl defeat). Tom was asked which SuperBowl ring was his favorite and he said, "The one I haven't gotten yet. Why is it that I always want what I don't have yet?" Don makes a point that this is true of us all really. But we have advertisers telling us that we don't have what will make us happy but with this product, we could be. Or maybe it's that next pay level or job. Or __________ (Fill In the Blank). We are in a constant search to find SOMETHING that fulfills our hope. But more often than not, we buy in and find ourselves disappointed in the end.
The Scripture he used, and I will as well, is Romans 8. This chapter has been so powerful in my life of late I almost have it memorized. The thing that strikes a chord with me is the longing and hoping we see. It's not just me who is dissatisfied with this life on earth. No, even creation has threads of longing and hoping for more than this woven into the tapestry of this planet. I am not the only who wants to be more, do more, see more. And the greatest thing about Romans 8, we know that God is the one being held to this hope being fulfilled. And God's character is faithfulness. Did your heart just beat? Did the sun rise today (regardless if you can REALLY see it)? Yes!! But I find I have allowed myself to hope in so many things, only to be disappointed. I've even claimed the verse "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life" (Proverbs 13:12 ESV) to make my point of no longer hoping in things. After hearing this message though, I was renewed in my thinking.
This passage talks about hoping and waiting and longing and all these things that are not yet seen. However, we're hoping in a faithful God and He does not disappoint. I struggle with that because, I have been disappointed! but have I really? My longing for relationship or finances or whatever - have they been putting my hope in things or in God? Cuz if I'm honest, God was right there by my side (NOT disappointing me) when all these things fell through or never appeared. He did not disappoint, but they did. So where does my hope rest? Who does it rest in? And if I have hope, can I have joy?
And joy is my desire these days. It's been good, but one can always experience more joy and never get tired of it. So I must leave now on the idea of hoping in God producing joy in my life. May you find this true for you today as well, friend.

"For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience."
~Romans 8:24-25

Freedom! Freedom!!

It all started with snow.... I had class at MSUM yesterday and it was snowing. A lot! And as I drove, beneath the terror of not being able to see out my frosted windows and snow covered vehicle, I felt a move in my heart. Imagine with me a hand. A hand holding something that is obviously of great importance since the knuckles are white and the fingers are digging into the palm for dear life. This is a picture of me and my desire for that ever elusive relationship as I like to call it. Yesterday as I was driving I felt this hand start to open up and release what it has been holding for years. And as I saw it happen, I felt the tension melt away and the fingers uncramp as they let go of the treasure. Do you know that feeling when you take cold medication and you can start to feel it work its magic in your sinuses and chest? That is EXACTLY what this felt like. As I opened my hand and released that desire to God's far more capable hands, I felt that relief flood over me. For the first time in so many years, I breathed in fresh air without the stench of this slightly stagnant treasure clogging my nasal passages. I truly feel free today and there is so much joy and just plain old happiness in that!! Truly, I cannot explain it beyond that - but rejoice with me as I walk confidently today knowing that my Lover-God is the lover I have searched for and found. He gives me my wine and my bread. He speaks tenderly to me. He sustains me and cares for me. It is HE who will provide in His time, with His resources... Praise the Lord!!

Facing Bethel

Of late, I have been quite depressed and down. You might be able to guess that through my recent blogs. As I contemplate why I've been feeling this way it all comes down to a few simple lies I refuse to let go really. One - I'm never going to be good enough in comparison with others. Two - my life will never be blessed or get better like everyone else's no matter how close to the Lord I am. And Three - I can't do this life on my own, I need someone else and it's not God. Like I said, these statements are pretty bold and are blatantly false. I've had many a talk with close friends and it's difficult to explain what I am feeling or wanting without sounding suicidal and ultimately I don't know that I'm not just a little. But finally this weekend, I have this ray of hope that maybe I want something better than this mere existence. I'm starting to see the path a little more again.
And I really have to thank the pastor at the church I attended this morning for his Spirit-filled message on worship. How does worship relate to my depression, you may ask. Well, a part of his message concentrated on the heart of a worshipper. He used this phenomenal illustration of Abraham camping between Ai (meaning "heap of ruins") and Bethel (meaning "house of God"). Well anyway, the point is that Ai was a picture of destruction and rubble and Bethel was where God was. The pastor went on to explain how sometimes we Christians stand in Ai and pick up the pieces of the destruction and hold them out to show others places and ways we've been destroyed or hurt, whether through our own decisions or others. And he mentioned that sometimes we just sit in the rubbish and forget to look toward where God is, ahead of us, ready for us to run and meet Him. The thing that really shot me is that I am right there in Ai. My job, my nonexistent love life, my family. All of these hurts and pains and whinings are stemming from this camping out in Ai instead of rushing forward to take hold of God each new day and moving with Him. So, in light of this, I think I have determined in my heart to instead look at each day as new and remember that God waits with new mercies and wonders day by day, no matter what happened yesterday. So, I hope I can keep seeing more and more of this light of revelation. I know so many in my life that I forget love me would be so glad to see me living again after this temporary death in spirit. And on that note, if you do read this and are blessed, challenged or just interested, could you drop me a line? I as always assume that I'm not really heard or seen, but I forget too often that there are many in my life who do love me and pray for me and it's their prayers that even enable me to see God somedays, most days lately :) So, thank you. I love you all....

dissatisfied

I'm not sure when I lost hope that this life could NOT suck. I was probably pretty young I guess. I truly do not remember a time when life was just good, things went my way and I didn't cry all the time. Seriously. I wish I could just see a magic person who will solve all my problems or least give me some kind of formula for coping - but the problem is I know too much. I know I can stop this pity party. I also know that if I do, it'll just happen tomorrow again anyway after something else in my life goes terribly wrong. And, ultimately, I am fully aware of the sinful, broken world we all live in where there is no such thing as a sinless or perfect day cuz we're all just walking wounded hoping for more than this.
So, I cancelled facebook and myspace today, so even fewer people will read this than normal. I think I'm trying to disappear, if only it were so easy :) Actually, there are a lot of reasons I cancelled them. One being time-wasting. Two being stalker issues - mine mostly. If it were not for facebook, I would know nothing of the terrible, devastating things that have happened this year (ie. weddings, engagements, relationships, wall-flirting, etc...) Cuz let's face it readers, all I care about is that ever elusive relationship I will never have. ok, that might be a little melodramatic, but it's how I feel these days. I mean, there's even a thing tomorrow where there's a guy and a friend and the friend could possibly like the guy and why would the guy choose me over friend anyway? i mean seriously?? to be honest, I wouldn't date me. And yet, I just keep hoping that someone will and rescue me from my self-pity party and self-deprecating ways. I guess this might be construed as a cry for help but I don't really want help. I just want home....

You can't help me.

I know, you want to try. You'd like to tell me all these truths about who I am in Christ, how beautiful I really am, how wonderful my personality is. You would like to counteract every lie I believe about myself. You want to help me because you love me, I know. But the truth is, you can't. I can't let you.

I was driving home tonight after a slightly stressful Bible study for my fragile emotions and spirit. And as I drove I felt the familiar darkness creep in. The thoughts of why God continues to torture me with life and loneliness and all the other little demons that claw their ways into my depression. I was thinking about how I always find myself in this place, as I often do at these times, and I finally banked on something. This darkness is an escape mechanism. By focusing my thoughts and attentions on suicide and depression, I basically check out of living life with any kind of hope or dream or will. I simply survive another day and that in itself is the reward. How sad is this? Yet, it's where I am and it's where I'll be. Until I truly desire change (and why would I if it's such an excellent cop-out), I will find myself here night after night. So, I'm sorry I suck at being someone I want to be (mainly happy and hopeful) and am so good at being this checked-out, dark, cynical, bitter, angry version of who I am. Thanks for being my friend anyway.

Callings...

For years I have held in this confession. Allowed people to believe this lie. Let myself believe which is even worse. I don't hear God's voice. I don't see His hand move. At least not literally. I perceive these things and my perceptions then lead to scripturally founding them so I can then discern whether this is truly something God would do or say or move in accordance with His unchanging character. The problem with letting everyone, including myself, believe that I do in fact hear God or see Him move lies in what I justify away as "spirituality".

I was at a meeting this evening. Now my reasons for attending said meeting may not have been entirely without agenda. Ok, ok - there may have been someone I might have been interested in seeing, but that's really not the point. Sometimes I need to remember that humans are in deed capable of disappointing regardless of how high one has steeped their hope is one particular human. Anyway, meeting is concerning a prayer movement felt within our community for it seems many years. I am a relatively new prayer aficionado. I used to dislike it immensely cuz it felt like talking to air. Now however, much more like talking to my friend who loves no matter how absolutely horrible I can be, or stubborn... Yes, I can be stubborn and mean. Again, irrelevant.

During the course of this meeting, some things are brought up concerning questions like "Where do we go from here?" And as one might imagine, someone brings up the need for... administration. And the question goes out, "Does anyone have a gifting in administration?" My stomach begins to roll. Now if you know the story, I just stepped out of administration in another capacity claiming I do not have time and it's too much stress, etc... And I had vowed not to sign up for anything at this meeting because I need to spend time with God right now, more than I need more ministry. So, the meeting continues and a dear friend beside me starts giggling and nudging me ever so slightly. and a person pipes up across the room, my heart falls thinking, "Oh, they feel the call. It's not me, God didn't choose me for this role." And the person simply lays out what we need, but doesn't want the job. Another person pipes up and sounds like maybe THEY are the one, but it becomes clear they aren't called. And so it goes for the remainder of the meeting and my stomach rolls and rolls, it feels like I may either scream out "I AM CALLED!!!" or vomit horrendously. Until lo and behold, someone points at me and asks if I'm interested in helping administer. To which I feel my head nod yes.

Crap.

Now, my problem isn't in administering. Or the movement. Not even the stretching I know is sure to ensue. No, my issue lies with humility. See, I'm so terrified I have just signed up to demonstrate my gift of administration. Notice, I did not say use or bless others or anything else that might imply God is in the forefront of my thinking in this. No, I find myself absolutely scared that I have just signed on to prove my spiritual worth yet again. But it's not like before. I've never felt this strongly about something, even now I feel the rolling in my stomach. It's like I knew I could be used and I wanted to worship God in using His creation (me) the way He designed it. I just wanted to be His, however He wanted to use me was His decision. And to top it all off, people kept throwing out these "mundane" details like licensing and organization, structure as if they were something to be avoided at all cost. And at each new thing my heart jumped more and my eyes lit up and my mind started to race planning the strategic plan and workflow for getting this thing to a tangible, fluid movement.

So, there you go. My "no ministry" days totaled 5 altogether... I sure pray that this doesn't blow up in my face... again...

I see you...

I know what you see when you look at me. A woman barely keeping her life together. A child pretending to be an adult in her job and social circles. A girl with big brown eyes pleading with you to help her fix what she broke over and over again. That little girl is me. After finally letting go of my short-lived church commitments, I had hoped that I would be free. Free to just experience Jesus and fellowship and life. But what I find, what I always find, is instead an emptiness and a despair so dark and deep I can barely stay on this side of the edge. And I have to ask myself why I always find myself in this place. I'm afraid I don't have an answer.

It seems to me from this perspective that I'm not somehow living the life I was supposed to. Like I accidentally missed 494 and instead continued straight on through on 94 when I should have been in Edina. Instead, I get the chaos of downtown Minneapolis where streets don't really make sense and there are more one ways to travel than two ways. Heaven forbid you get on the one that makes you loop downtown for two hours... But that's me. I never could do much right and I always seem to find myself in the awkward place of not quite knowing what is going on. It doesn't matter what today's singular struggle is, it's simply a rotation of unmanageable feelings and rejections. I wonder to myself, is this what losing your mind feels like? Is this how it works when you start to slip away?

I am constantly vigilant of how I feel because I am so familiar with the darkness and doubt that drove me from the one thing that is good about my life. All those years ago when I turned away and said "My way!" I know that didn't work for me. But neither is this. So, where do i go from here? What formula should I choose to try to fix what's broken in my life? Which name can I give me demons today? Because isn't that what this is about? The spiritual realm fighting for me and my heart. But what about the times I just can't seem to fight...

I see you. I know you. I love you. I can hold you up when you want to fall. I can catch you when you step over the edge. I have been here waiting to catch you for a long time. Come, be with me and I will be with you. I'm knocking, please let me in. I want you. To me, you are a masterpiece, a beautiful mess. You're mine. Please let me save you... again...