The Absence of... something?

I don't know what the hole is. Or what should be there. But there it is, a slightly gaping abscess within me. It's not a spiritual thing or even a physical thing. No, this just seems to be the absence of something - not quite hope, and not joy. Maybe it's just boredom or a slump. Maybe the beginnings of a full on mental collapse. I'm really not sure. But I can feel it tonight.

If you know me, you've heard my discussion and struggle with the Twilight series and now the movie. I enjoy the books, fully realizing their impossibilities. Not just the vampire fantasy but also the weak attempt at a heroine in Bella Swan and the perfection of Edward Cullen. But I enjoy fantasy and imagining the impossible. I mean, I realize life should be lived and fully support realistic fiction or non-fiction work, but I love diving into a world completely unlike my own. Let's be honest, reality does nothing for the imagination. Well, mine anyway. Especially of late. So this evening I was checking up on blogs and articles and ran across quite a few discussions about Twilight. And they were all very harsh in their commentaries about the movie/books and the unrealistic and unhealthy obsession of many of the fans. Not to mention frequent comments addressing issues like abuse, conformity, and simply the utter helplessness of our heroine Bella. Yes, i see what you are saying, but can't I enjoy something? And here I ask myself - should I really be enjoying these? Is this a conviction thing? In the end of the reasoning though I see that it is just a story to me. One I enjoy reading. Is that bad?

It would seem of late that I'm really not be trusted when it comes to making any kind of decision. Alas at every turn I'm confronted with how others see me and it's not pretty. Am I really so "ugly"? I mean, I feel like I am in a good place for once and all I hear is I shouldn't watch that or that I'm lazy. Can everyone just let up for a second? I cling to the idea that diamonds are created by intense pressure on rocks. I'm just a really pressured rock right now but I'm hoping to turn out as a diamond.

With work stress a constant pressure and home no longer being the refuge it was, I have found myself at a loss for rest. Peace. REM. I have no idea when i last woke up ready for the day and not deadly tired. I just can't seem to stay asleep. Maybe it's this hole I can't figure out...