Callings...

For years I have held in this confession. Allowed people to believe this lie. Let myself believe which is even worse. I don't hear God's voice. I don't see His hand move. At least not literally. I perceive these things and my perceptions then lead to scripturally founding them so I can then discern whether this is truly something God would do or say or move in accordance with His unchanging character. The problem with letting everyone, including myself, believe that I do in fact hear God or see Him move lies in what I justify away as "spirituality".

I was at a meeting this evening. Now my reasons for attending said meeting may not have been entirely without agenda. Ok, ok - there may have been someone I might have been interested in seeing, but that's really not the point. Sometimes I need to remember that humans are in deed capable of disappointing regardless of how high one has steeped their hope is one particular human. Anyway, meeting is concerning a prayer movement felt within our community for it seems many years. I am a relatively new prayer aficionado. I used to dislike it immensely cuz it felt like talking to air. Now however, much more like talking to my friend who loves no matter how absolutely horrible I can be, or stubborn... Yes, I can be stubborn and mean. Again, irrelevant.

During the course of this meeting, some things are brought up concerning questions like "Where do we go from here?" And as one might imagine, someone brings up the need for... administration. And the question goes out, "Does anyone have a gifting in administration?" My stomach begins to roll. Now if you know the story, I just stepped out of administration in another capacity claiming I do not have time and it's too much stress, etc... And I had vowed not to sign up for anything at this meeting because I need to spend time with God right now, more than I need more ministry. So, the meeting continues and a dear friend beside me starts giggling and nudging me ever so slightly. and a person pipes up across the room, my heart falls thinking, "Oh, they feel the call. It's not me, God didn't choose me for this role." And the person simply lays out what we need, but doesn't want the job. Another person pipes up and sounds like maybe THEY are the one, but it becomes clear they aren't called. And so it goes for the remainder of the meeting and my stomach rolls and rolls, it feels like I may either scream out "I AM CALLED!!!" or vomit horrendously. Until lo and behold, someone points at me and asks if I'm interested in helping administer. To which I feel my head nod yes.

Crap.

Now, my problem isn't in administering. Or the movement. Not even the stretching I know is sure to ensue. No, my issue lies with humility. See, I'm so terrified I have just signed up to demonstrate my gift of administration. Notice, I did not say use or bless others or anything else that might imply God is in the forefront of my thinking in this. No, I find myself absolutely scared that I have just signed on to prove my spiritual worth yet again. But it's not like before. I've never felt this strongly about something, even now I feel the rolling in my stomach. It's like I knew I could be used and I wanted to worship God in using His creation (me) the way He designed it. I just wanted to be His, however He wanted to use me was His decision. And to top it all off, people kept throwing out these "mundane" details like licensing and organization, structure as if they were something to be avoided at all cost. And at each new thing my heart jumped more and my eyes lit up and my mind started to race planning the strategic plan and workflow for getting this thing to a tangible, fluid movement.

So, there you go. My "no ministry" days totaled 5 altogether... I sure pray that this doesn't blow up in my face... again...