dissatisfied

I'm not sure when I lost hope that this life could NOT suck. I was probably pretty young I guess. I truly do not remember a time when life was just good, things went my way and I didn't cry all the time. Seriously. I wish I could just see a magic person who will solve all my problems or least give me some kind of formula for coping - but the problem is I know too much. I know I can stop this pity party. I also know that if I do, it'll just happen tomorrow again anyway after something else in my life goes terribly wrong. And, ultimately, I am fully aware of the sinful, broken world we all live in where there is no such thing as a sinless or perfect day cuz we're all just walking wounded hoping for more than this.
So, I cancelled facebook and myspace today, so even fewer people will read this than normal. I think I'm trying to disappear, if only it were so easy :) Actually, there are a lot of reasons I cancelled them. One being time-wasting. Two being stalker issues - mine mostly. If it were not for facebook, I would know nothing of the terrible, devastating things that have happened this year (ie. weddings, engagements, relationships, wall-flirting, etc...) Cuz let's face it readers, all I care about is that ever elusive relationship I will never have. ok, that might be a little melodramatic, but it's how I feel these days. I mean, there's even a thing tomorrow where there's a guy and a friend and the friend could possibly like the guy and why would the guy choose me over friend anyway? i mean seriously?? to be honest, I wouldn't date me. And yet, I just keep hoping that someone will and rescue me from my self-pity party and self-deprecating ways. I guess this might be construed as a cry for help but I don't really want help. I just want home....