Bittersweet Blessings

It's been a difficult weekend. I'm not helping myself any by watching Felicity non-stop. Seriously, I've watched two and half seasons in as many days. But, here's what I've learned. Sometimes, the things I think I want turn out to be the exact things I couldn't handle. I know, life isn't a young adult drama show, no one gets a script and things don't come through when you need them. There is a little bit about the human condition though, portrayed in this series in particular. Whether it's about loving people or financial crisis or figuring out who you're supposed to be. I'm finding this weekend that I am just about as lost in my own little drama of my own making as Felicity is in her scripted one. With the exception of the Ben/Noel dilemma of course. Which, is kinda the purpose of this blog.
You know, in looking back through prior blogs, I've spent my share of writing on relationships and guys and whether or not I'll ever have one. So, today, I'm just reflecting on how the absence of one can be a bittersweet blessing of sorts. Well, I can watch Felicity for a whole weekend. I can not care that I just ate a whole pint of Ben & Jerry's this weekend because I'm not staying beautiful for anyone. I can sleep sideways if I want. I can waste my time dreaming of law school and studying as if I can actually take the LSAT. I can move anywhere I want (in theory)... In reality, the list can go on, but not one of those things is the best case scenario for what my heart aches and longs for. The closest I can come to achieving my dreams is working towards being a lawyer. And it's only because it is the one thing in my life I can control. I can't pray enough to get what I want. I can't be good enough, or beautiful enough, or even smart enough. But I can try. Try to study, learn, and hold onto that dream. But, it's all at the expense, or voluntary sacrifice, of the other dreams I've just hoped would be part of my life, you know like normal people. It's been a long time since I've felt like a normal person though. Which, is in itself a bit of a bittersweet blessing.