Beauty in Broken Vessels

It's been awhile since I've blogged positively, and for that I'm sorry. I'm doing much better than I have been lately. Things are settling and more importantly, I am finding my soul settling back into the arms of God again. But, this wilderness time has grown me so I cannot say I do not appreciate the time.
Yesterday I was attending a church I really enjoy. I have been asking the Lord to bring me a peace somewhere, anywhere, that He would want for me to attend. And last week, during a worship set, I felt that overwhelming and beautiful sense of peace, just peace like being home. So, I guess that could be it - but to be sure, I have continued asking for more "signs" if you will of this being the church. And so we come to yesterday and the purpose of this blog.
I love to worship through music. Sometimes words aren't even necessary, but most of the time I find myself echoing the words of songs in my heart, my spirit. And it's just so calming. I see why people like meditation, and really this is a form of that. Ps 19 asks that the meditations of my heart be pleasing so I'm okay with saying that :) Anyway, so in the midst of worship I was granted a snapshot of the condition of my heart. And it was devastating. The words that struck me so much from the song were things like God being on His throne and His unfailing love. In addition to that, a verse was shared that also shaped this revelation:

If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land. ~ 2 Chronicles 7:14

What position was I in? Knelt down bowing before my God, pleading for His will? No, I was standing proudly, bargaining for grace with a God who is holy beyond comprehension. I found myself complacent and disillusioned with who God is, truly is, and who I am. I've heard it again and again that this life is about God's will, not my own. I've taught on it!! But, yesterday I was hit with the hypocrisy of the life I was living with the life I was offered. God is great. Not just good and pleasant and loving kind of great, but great in majesty, holiness, power, kingship, etc... He is great! And I am a broken human, hardly worthy of His grace and salvation - but He extends it wholeheartedly. Because He loves me, dearly. He chose me. He reached into the mud to pull me out of my sin and bondage to give me a life of freedom and joy. And I keep running back to the mud or challenge Him. Yesterday, I faced this piece of my heart and I'd like to say I changed my ways, but it's a slow process of making an internal realization an external reality. This has floored me to be sure. I look at my use of time, money and strength and see only me. Where have I put God? Where have I allowed room for Him to move and work and shape? I've put Him in a room, a designated space where it's safe to keep Him. And I've allowed that space to get smaller and smaller until I can barely say He holds any part of my heart. But as we know, when we bring these things to light, we expose the darkness. And in that truth, there is freedom. We are not bound by our sin anymore. We are free to worship! So, today, this moment, I choose worship and joy and God - above me, anything of me.