I see you...

I know what you see when you look at me. A woman barely keeping her life together. A child pretending to be an adult in her job and social circles. A girl with big brown eyes pleading with you to help her fix what she broke over and over again. That little girl is me. After finally letting go of my short-lived church commitments, I had hoped that I would be free. Free to just experience Jesus and fellowship and life. But what I find, what I always find, is instead an emptiness and a despair so dark and deep I can barely stay on this side of the edge. And I have to ask myself why I always find myself in this place. I'm afraid I don't have an answer.

It seems to me from this perspective that I'm not somehow living the life I was supposed to. Like I accidentally missed 494 and instead continued straight on through on 94 when I should have been in Edina. Instead, I get the chaos of downtown Minneapolis where streets don't really make sense and there are more one ways to travel than two ways. Heaven forbid you get on the one that makes you loop downtown for two hours... But that's me. I never could do much right and I always seem to find myself in the awkward place of not quite knowing what is going on. It doesn't matter what today's singular struggle is, it's simply a rotation of unmanageable feelings and rejections. I wonder to myself, is this what losing your mind feels like? Is this how it works when you start to slip away?

I am constantly vigilant of how I feel because I am so familiar with the darkness and doubt that drove me from the one thing that is good about my life. All those years ago when I turned away and said "My way!" I know that didn't work for me. But neither is this. So, where do i go from here? What formula should I choose to try to fix what's broken in my life? Which name can I give me demons today? Because isn't that what this is about? The spiritual realm fighting for me and my heart. But what about the times I just can't seem to fight...

I see you. I know you. I love you. I can hold you up when you want to fall. I can catch you when you step over the edge. I have been here waiting to catch you for a long time. Come, be with me and I will be with you. I'm knocking, please let me in. I want you. To me, you are a masterpiece, a beautiful mess. You're mine. Please let me save you... again...