Facing Bethel

Of late, I have been quite depressed and down. You might be able to guess that through my recent blogs. As I contemplate why I've been feeling this way it all comes down to a few simple lies I refuse to let go really. One - I'm never going to be good enough in comparison with others. Two - my life will never be blessed or get better like everyone else's no matter how close to the Lord I am. And Three - I can't do this life on my own, I need someone else and it's not God. Like I said, these statements are pretty bold and are blatantly false. I've had many a talk with close friends and it's difficult to explain what I am feeling or wanting without sounding suicidal and ultimately I don't know that I'm not just a little. But finally this weekend, I have this ray of hope that maybe I want something better than this mere existence. I'm starting to see the path a little more again.
And I really have to thank the pastor at the church I attended this morning for his Spirit-filled message on worship. How does worship relate to my depression, you may ask. Well, a part of his message concentrated on the heart of a worshipper. He used this phenomenal illustration of Abraham camping between Ai (meaning "heap of ruins") and Bethel (meaning "house of God"). Well anyway, the point is that Ai was a picture of destruction and rubble and Bethel was where God was. The pastor went on to explain how sometimes we Christians stand in Ai and pick up the pieces of the destruction and hold them out to show others places and ways we've been destroyed or hurt, whether through our own decisions or others. And he mentioned that sometimes we just sit in the rubbish and forget to look toward where God is, ahead of us, ready for us to run and meet Him. The thing that really shot me is that I am right there in Ai. My job, my nonexistent love life, my family. All of these hurts and pains and whinings are stemming from this camping out in Ai instead of rushing forward to take hold of God each new day and moving with Him. So, in light of this, I think I have determined in my heart to instead look at each day as new and remember that God waits with new mercies and wonders day by day, no matter what happened yesterday. So, I hope I can keep seeing more and more of this light of revelation. I know so many in my life that I forget love me would be so glad to see me living again after this temporary death in spirit. And on that note, if you do read this and are blessed, challenged or just interested, could you drop me a line? I as always assume that I'm not really heard or seen, but I forget too often that there are many in my life who do love me and pray for me and it's their prayers that even enable me to see God somedays, most days lately :) So, thank you. I love you all....