Greener Grass?

In Genesis 3, mankind falls. Sorry if I ruined the story for you... But, I was reading the story of how it went down and I saw myself standing there. Innocent as Eve and then the serpent comes along.
"Evening Cassandra. Lovely night, huh? So, what was it God said you shouldn't have? Oh, those thoughts? Those feelings? Hmm, yeah, He did say something about lust and coveting, didn't He? Well, didn't He also say something about it not being good for man to be alone? I mean, wouldn't He want you to be with someone? And if so, wouldn't it be better to understand what that might be like when it happens? He doesn't want you to be lonely, right?"
And so, I fall for it. Again. And I recognize the debris left by the destructive thought patterns and the misplaced hope and I conclude that I am unlovable truly and weak beyond help. Indulging in what I hope is greener grass, turns into burnt chaff in the wind once again. And I am left with nothing.

So, my general conclusion up to this point in my life is to let the shame and lies wash over me until I come to a place of despair so dark I can't help but get stuck in the undercurrent of sin that has pulled me in. But today? Today is a new day with new mercies and I am gonna claim that over myself in lieu of the pity party turned sinfest I usually partake of. No, today I am going to remember the promise God has given me of new life, new creation in Jesus. I am putting on that new nature and starving the old. If I stop feeding the lie, it will die. Eventually. So today the nourishing and coddling of my secret sin stops. It will die soon because I have a God who wants me to know joy and peace and restoration. I love a Man who loved me enough to take my guilt for me and give me new life. And, gosh darn it, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I want to live fully. So, today I choose life instead of death. Blessings instead of curses. And today, I will stand firm because it is God who is strong in my weakness...

Whimsically challenged, and yet there's hope...

I am not nor have I ever been a real fan of waiting. Who is? Please, I need to meet that guy. But this past week has introduced some sweet things that will require massive amounts of waiting. Allow me to present my case:

1) The Lifelong Dream
So, when I was about 13, I realized I liked to argue. not about like politics or anything like that, but I just had this need to be right and to be right I had to prove my point. So, what better profession could I aspire to than a lawyer, right? Well, long story short-I went to school for elementary education except I hate kids (well, I did... but that's getting to the second point). So I changed from that to secondary ed, and then art and finally I was forced to graduate with Mass Comm. But as I've worked in my position, the dream has been revisited and revitalized. Law School. So, I began researching the necessary steps to actually pursue this dream. And it's attainable, really. Just a test and $30,000. Oh, and apparently three years of the highest stress and studying. but there's this stirring in my heart when I start to think on it... So, I will soon be preparing for the LSAT and my hope is actually applying for law school in two years. I'm guessing I'll have my debt and car paid down or off by then, so maybe I can handle a bit more :)

And while this sounds so great and wonderful, I find myself wondering if I actually want to be a lawyer or just know all the stuf lawyers know. As is, I can tell you the law on my industry in all 50 states at the drop of a hat. And that is exciting to me!! So, maybe my true desire is for knowledge and that can be pursued through Barnes & Noble and save probably a good $29,000 in the process.

2) Marriage v. Singleness Boxing Match
for years and years, I have assumed I am just either meant to be single and just being tormented. I never ever thoguht I would actually dare to hope for a relationship/marriage. but this weekend it finally happened, the peace I needed confirming those desires. and it wasn't like a revelation of who or when or even why, but it was just a quiet peace that this is something I can hope for. So, I'm letting myself hope and the contentment in that has come easily so far. I don't know how long I'll be waiting, but I'll wait until it's a "good" thing in reference to Psalm 84:11
"For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
the LORD bestows favor and honor.
No good thing does he withhold
from those who walk uprightly."

So, hope is here and the waiting may begin for these dreams to unfold and flourish in God's ever capable span of time...