Wilderness Days

I'm drawn back to Hosea 2 today. I'd post it, but it's long. So just go read it. I feel stuck in verses 1-13, awaiting the rest of the chapter where God speaks to me tenderly and lets me call Him My Husband. But here I am in a place of constant loss of the things that war with my desire for God. It's a good thing, I guess, to be stripped bare and humiliated as your sin is laid out for all to see. I've been listening to a few new songs and a running theme is that God is relentless, not giving up until He has everything. Also an all consuming fire. He wants it all. And until He's got it, He'll keep burning and refining as painful as it may be.
I'm at the end of me today. It's a day of dreariness as I look out at the sunless sky and in my own heart things are kinda dead. Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe I'm just stressed out. But what if maybe I'm letting hope die? I've blogged recently about hoping in the Lord and letting that be our hope cuz God is faithful to fulfill that hope. But, today, I'm not feeling it. At each mention of God being present I find myself scoffing inside asking "Really? God, You're here, in this?" What hurts even more is that He is the one orchestrating what I feel is unnecessary pain and toil. But I know God's character - He is Sovereign meaning His hand is in this and He loves me so there must be reason. I just hope it will be understood before I waste away in anger and bitterness.

Hope Without Disappointment

Spring is coming and it is glorious! The weather will be above zero ALL WEEK!! I am really excited for that. Although, I am sick so I will not really be enjoying it that much other than from the comfort of my own bed and patio. But just knowing it's coming is so great.
And just as us North Dakotas (or any other region that experiences the dreariness and cold of winter) look expectantly towards green grass and rain showers, each of us has something we hope for. Something we look forward to, strive towards. Something we feel we must press in and wait for. This weekend I listened to a great podcast by Don Miller on hope and how it changes lives. He began by referencing an interview with Tom Brady (pre-SuperBowl defeat). Tom was asked which SuperBowl ring was his favorite and he said, "The one I haven't gotten yet. Why is it that I always want what I don't have yet?" Don makes a point that this is true of us all really. But we have advertisers telling us that we don't have what will make us happy but with this product, we could be. Or maybe it's that next pay level or job. Or __________ (Fill In the Blank). We are in a constant search to find SOMETHING that fulfills our hope. But more often than not, we buy in and find ourselves disappointed in the end.
The Scripture he used, and I will as well, is Romans 8. This chapter has been so powerful in my life of late I almost have it memorized. The thing that strikes a chord with me is the longing and hoping we see. It's not just me who is dissatisfied with this life on earth. No, even creation has threads of longing and hoping for more than this woven into the tapestry of this planet. I am not the only who wants to be more, do more, see more. And the greatest thing about Romans 8, we know that God is the one being held to this hope being fulfilled. And God's character is faithfulness. Did your heart just beat? Did the sun rise today (regardless if you can REALLY see it)? Yes!! But I find I have allowed myself to hope in so many things, only to be disappointed. I've even claimed the verse "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life" (Proverbs 13:12 ESV) to make my point of no longer hoping in things. After hearing this message though, I was renewed in my thinking.
This passage talks about hoping and waiting and longing and all these things that are not yet seen. However, we're hoping in a faithful God and He does not disappoint. I struggle with that because, I have been disappointed! but have I really? My longing for relationship or finances or whatever - have they been putting my hope in things or in God? Cuz if I'm honest, God was right there by my side (NOT disappointing me) when all these things fell through or never appeared. He did not disappoint, but they did. So where does my hope rest? Who does it rest in? And if I have hope, can I have joy?
And joy is my desire these days. It's been good, but one can always experience more joy and never get tired of it. So I must leave now on the idea of hoping in God producing joy in my life. May you find this true for you today as well, friend.

"For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience."
~Romans 8:24-25

Freedom! Freedom!!

It all started with snow.... I had class at MSUM yesterday and it was snowing. A lot! And as I drove, beneath the terror of not being able to see out my frosted windows and snow covered vehicle, I felt a move in my heart. Imagine with me a hand. A hand holding something that is obviously of great importance since the knuckles are white and the fingers are digging into the palm for dear life. This is a picture of me and my desire for that ever elusive relationship as I like to call it. Yesterday as I was driving I felt this hand start to open up and release what it has been holding for years. And as I saw it happen, I felt the tension melt away and the fingers uncramp as they let go of the treasure. Do you know that feeling when you take cold medication and you can start to feel it work its magic in your sinuses and chest? That is EXACTLY what this felt like. As I opened my hand and released that desire to God's far more capable hands, I felt that relief flood over me. For the first time in so many years, I breathed in fresh air without the stench of this slightly stagnant treasure clogging my nasal passages. I truly feel free today and there is so much joy and just plain old happiness in that!! Truly, I cannot explain it beyond that - but rejoice with me as I walk confidently today knowing that my Lover-God is the lover I have searched for and found. He gives me my wine and my bread. He speaks tenderly to me. He sustains me and cares for me. It is HE who will provide in His time, with His resources... Praise the Lord!!

Facing Bethel

Of late, I have been quite depressed and down. You might be able to guess that through my recent blogs. As I contemplate why I've been feeling this way it all comes down to a few simple lies I refuse to let go really. One - I'm never going to be good enough in comparison with others. Two - my life will never be blessed or get better like everyone else's no matter how close to the Lord I am. And Three - I can't do this life on my own, I need someone else and it's not God. Like I said, these statements are pretty bold and are blatantly false. I've had many a talk with close friends and it's difficult to explain what I am feeling or wanting without sounding suicidal and ultimately I don't know that I'm not just a little. But finally this weekend, I have this ray of hope that maybe I want something better than this mere existence. I'm starting to see the path a little more again.
And I really have to thank the pastor at the church I attended this morning for his Spirit-filled message on worship. How does worship relate to my depression, you may ask. Well, a part of his message concentrated on the heart of a worshipper. He used this phenomenal illustration of Abraham camping between Ai (meaning "heap of ruins") and Bethel (meaning "house of God"). Well anyway, the point is that Ai was a picture of destruction and rubble and Bethel was where God was. The pastor went on to explain how sometimes we Christians stand in Ai and pick up the pieces of the destruction and hold them out to show others places and ways we've been destroyed or hurt, whether through our own decisions or others. And he mentioned that sometimes we just sit in the rubbish and forget to look toward where God is, ahead of us, ready for us to run and meet Him. The thing that really shot me is that I am right there in Ai. My job, my nonexistent love life, my family. All of these hurts and pains and whinings are stemming from this camping out in Ai instead of rushing forward to take hold of God each new day and moving with Him. So, in light of this, I think I have determined in my heart to instead look at each day as new and remember that God waits with new mercies and wonders day by day, no matter what happened yesterday. So, I hope I can keep seeing more and more of this light of revelation. I know so many in my life that I forget love me would be so glad to see me living again after this temporary death in spirit. And on that note, if you do read this and are blessed, challenged or just interested, could you drop me a line? I as always assume that I'm not really heard or seen, but I forget too often that there are many in my life who do love me and pray for me and it's their prayers that even enable me to see God somedays, most days lately :) So, thank you. I love you all....

dissatisfied

I'm not sure when I lost hope that this life could NOT suck. I was probably pretty young I guess. I truly do not remember a time when life was just good, things went my way and I didn't cry all the time. Seriously. I wish I could just see a magic person who will solve all my problems or least give me some kind of formula for coping - but the problem is I know too much. I know I can stop this pity party. I also know that if I do, it'll just happen tomorrow again anyway after something else in my life goes terribly wrong. And, ultimately, I am fully aware of the sinful, broken world we all live in where there is no such thing as a sinless or perfect day cuz we're all just walking wounded hoping for more than this.
So, I cancelled facebook and myspace today, so even fewer people will read this than normal. I think I'm trying to disappear, if only it were so easy :) Actually, there are a lot of reasons I cancelled them. One being time-wasting. Two being stalker issues - mine mostly. If it were not for facebook, I would know nothing of the terrible, devastating things that have happened this year (ie. weddings, engagements, relationships, wall-flirting, etc...) Cuz let's face it readers, all I care about is that ever elusive relationship I will never have. ok, that might be a little melodramatic, but it's how I feel these days. I mean, there's even a thing tomorrow where there's a guy and a friend and the friend could possibly like the guy and why would the guy choose me over friend anyway? i mean seriously?? to be honest, I wouldn't date me. And yet, I just keep hoping that someone will and rescue me from my self-pity party and self-deprecating ways. I guess this might be construed as a cry for help but I don't really want help. I just want home....