Greener Grass?

In Genesis 3, mankind falls. Sorry if I ruined the story for you... But, I was reading the story of how it went down and I saw myself standing there. Innocent as Eve and then the serpent comes along.
"Evening Cassandra. Lovely night, huh? So, what was it God said you shouldn't have? Oh, those thoughts? Those feelings? Hmm, yeah, He did say something about lust and coveting, didn't He? Well, didn't He also say something about it not being good for man to be alone? I mean, wouldn't He want you to be with someone? And if so, wouldn't it be better to understand what that might be like when it happens? He doesn't want you to be lonely, right?"
And so, I fall for it. Again. And I recognize the debris left by the destructive thought patterns and the misplaced hope and I conclude that I am unlovable truly and weak beyond help. Indulging in what I hope is greener grass, turns into burnt chaff in the wind once again. And I am left with nothing.

So, my general conclusion up to this point in my life is to let the shame and lies wash over me until I come to a place of despair so dark I can't help but get stuck in the undercurrent of sin that has pulled me in. But today? Today is a new day with new mercies and I am gonna claim that over myself in lieu of the pity party turned sinfest I usually partake of. No, today I am going to remember the promise God has given me of new life, new creation in Jesus. I am putting on that new nature and starving the old. If I stop feeding the lie, it will die. Eventually. So today the nourishing and coddling of my secret sin stops. It will die soon because I have a God who wants me to know joy and peace and restoration. I love a Man who loved me enough to take my guilt for me and give me new life. And, gosh darn it, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I want to live fully. So, today I choose life instead of death. Blessings instead of curses. And today, I will stand firm because it is God who is strong in my weakness...

Whimsically challenged, and yet there's hope...

I am not nor have I ever been a real fan of waiting. Who is? Please, I need to meet that guy. But this past week has introduced some sweet things that will require massive amounts of waiting. Allow me to present my case:

1) The Lifelong Dream
So, when I was about 13, I realized I liked to argue. not about like politics or anything like that, but I just had this need to be right and to be right I had to prove my point. So, what better profession could I aspire to than a lawyer, right? Well, long story short-I went to school for elementary education except I hate kids (well, I did... but that's getting to the second point). So I changed from that to secondary ed, and then art and finally I was forced to graduate with Mass Comm. But as I've worked in my position, the dream has been revisited and revitalized. Law School. So, I began researching the necessary steps to actually pursue this dream. And it's attainable, really. Just a test and $30,000. Oh, and apparently three years of the highest stress and studying. but there's this stirring in my heart when I start to think on it... So, I will soon be preparing for the LSAT and my hope is actually applying for law school in two years. I'm guessing I'll have my debt and car paid down or off by then, so maybe I can handle a bit more :)

And while this sounds so great and wonderful, I find myself wondering if I actually want to be a lawyer or just know all the stuf lawyers know. As is, I can tell you the law on my industry in all 50 states at the drop of a hat. And that is exciting to me!! So, maybe my true desire is for knowledge and that can be pursued through Barnes & Noble and save probably a good $29,000 in the process.

2) Marriage v. Singleness Boxing Match
for years and years, I have assumed I am just either meant to be single and just being tormented. I never ever thoguht I would actually dare to hope for a relationship/marriage. but this weekend it finally happened, the peace I needed confirming those desires. and it wasn't like a revelation of who or when or even why, but it was just a quiet peace that this is something I can hope for. So, I'm letting myself hope and the contentment in that has come easily so far. I don't know how long I'll be waiting, but I'll wait until it's a "good" thing in reference to Psalm 84:11
"For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
the LORD bestows favor and honor.
No good thing does he withhold
from those who walk uprightly."

So, hope is here and the waiting may begin for these dreams to unfold and flourish in God's ever capable span of time...

Who needs ya anyway?!

So, an unfortunate incident has occurred. My computer has a terminal disease and she shall be leaving us all soon... May I tell you the story?

Good, I'm glad you're still here :) So, a little known fact about me that you may not know... Umm, hence the little known fact part I guess. I am insanely clumsy. In the short span of my life I have tripped and fallen and bruised just about anywhere possible. For example, 10 years old - I was in the 5th grade and walking the dogs. We had two rather large dogs and we were walking over the Blue Bridge here in Fargo and were just descending the stairs when the two friendly mutts began to chase each other. While on leashes. Around my kneecaps. So, I'm sure you get the picture... Down go I and then realize as I stand, "Wow!! My feet hurt! Like really bad!!" And then it hits me that I have to walk home with these two dogs and home is over the bridge and down four blocks. When I arrive home screaming my head off for the pain, my mother tells me to take a nap and I'll be fine. I managed to shatter my foot, by the way.

This is just one of many crazy clumsy moments. There's also the time I fell UP stairs and landed on my face in front of 200 college students. Or the time I tried to open my car door to realize it wasn't my car and the owner was standing behind me... So, me = clumsy/awkward. Which is funny since my last name is Ward. So, if I ever write all these moments down, my book will be called "The Life of Cassandra: awkWard".

Which brings us to the story of my terminally ill computer. So, on a lazy Saturday afternoon I was sititng much like I am now-feet propped up, typing away, jamming to some tunes. Well, my door was being knocked at or some other disturbance of my time when I got up. Not realizing that my foot had become wrapped up in my computer's cord!!! And as I run for whatever, there goes my beautiful laptop. Down. Down. Down. It was open so of course my wonderful widescreen monitor was out there to feel the full force of the coffee table. And now? Now I have spider veins and inky black lines all across my screen. I had hoped they would just stay where they were, but they seem to be growing daily and I fear I may soon not be able to see anything. As it is, I can't read articles or my blogs or really anything with words cuz the lines stretch all the way down and extend to both sides nearly. it is very tragic indeed. Be very very sad for me...

So, that is the tragic story and I just needed to get it out. Thanks for your support. And should you feel the need to either A) Contribute $$, B) Fix my computer, or C) give me a new one - please contact me.

The Beauty of Aching

Ache. Even the word sounds painful. Like a sound you make when you get a papercut or something. Or you smell something bad. Whatever, it doesn't illicit happy thoughts in general. But it does allude to something akin to longing, abiding, perseverance. It's an achey day....

There have been many things this week that have hurt and cut and killed my spirit, so today's experience shouldn't really have been as unexpected as it has been. And even as I reread that last sentence, I realize my hope is lost.

"For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will." Romans 8:24-27

Prior to this passage, Paul is talking about creation groaning and waiting on God's redemption of His children into freedom. So, quite appropriate I feel. Not that my present suffering is in anyway comparable to the eager expectation of Jesus' Second Coming. But I do understand the longing for a hope that is just never quite fulfilled. but how happy should I be that my longing cannot be filled by something earthly? Temporary? My ache is only a testament to that eternity which God has placed in the hearts of all men. So, I choose to ache gladly, knowing that my hope and my life and my joy is safe in the arms of God. My worth and value and beauty rest fully in His love for me. Love deep enough and wide enough and high enough and long enough to sustain whatever crisis I find myself in. Who could want for a better love than that?

silence

"Let all that I am wait quietly before God,
for my hope is in him." Psalm 62:5

Silence. There's something about silence that is so terrifying. It's like a void of communication. As someone who enjoys open communication, it can be difficult for me to understand others who do not communicate as openly as I might. However, lately I've begun to see the advantages of that philosophy.
I've always loved the fact that when someone knows me, they generally know everything. I have no filter in what I say since I think verbally. And because of that, I fear I may come across as more scatterbrained and flighty than I'd care to. I've recently had a n encounter where my emotions have been reflected back to me in counsel and I was hurt. Really hurt. Is that what I really look like? Honestly? Do I really portray this messed up emotionally volatile adolescent? And I realized that maybe I'd be more acceptable if I were to just keep my thoughts to myself. But now I struggle with this, because that's not how I operate. Well, what if I just limit what I say? See? Here is where a filter would be handy. So, in conclusion, I decided I must just embrace silence.
What this really means for me is understanding that the only one who can handle every thought on everything and every tangent that distracts me is God. And He alone can see what my heart is truly saying and what I really want to express. and as I think back on the last few months, maybe even years, I see how I've run to everyone in my life rather than God with my "issue" of the moment. And you know what? God has used others to point me in the right direction or counsel me or whatever it is that I need.
Here's the turn point though. Today. In the last 24 hours so much has happened that has hurt and refined and shaped my heart I can barely even write this. Friends have said things or not said things and in general, I feel alone and abandoned. I tried to go to someone and they turned on me. I try another avenue and the door is closed. And I'm left to myself with the understanding that God wants what's in my heart more than anything. And He is there to listen. And I need to trust Him with it - He is the only one who can do anything about it anyway, right? So, here you are, Lord. Here's my heart back, please keep it. Teach me how to wait quietly for You alone and practice silence...

And then there's the rain...

I love rain. It's usually cool and refreshing. It reminds me of growth since without the water, there'd be no.. well anything that grows. But, the best thing about rain? It' washes away the dirt. Off the streets, off cars, off stuff, out of the air. the air is usually so clean after it rains. So clear. It's like a new place when the rain clears off and the sun comes out. We appreciate the sun so much more because of the rain. so, today it's raining.
My personal rain, not so much like regular rain. Personal rain is actually kind of painful and usually lasts longer than one hopes. It'll stay until there's clear air to be had. Sometimes, personal rain can last a very very long time. I hope today's will be over quickly cuz this hurts like hell.
The thing I like about writing is that it allows me to get what's in my head onto paper (per se) and then I can read back and laugh at how silly I was. So, today I read back through some old blogs. But I didn't laugh. The needs, the desperate cries, the pleas for deliverance. Not one answered. Not even a bit. Today I am as heartbroken and desperate and completely stressed as I have been for about a year it seems. I was listening to a Linkin Park song and there's a line that says "the pace is too fast/you just won't last" or something close. That is a little bit of how I feel. I'm running dangerously close to the edge of my cliffs and it's only a slight breeze before I fall over the side. But even as I grasp for the more stable ground, there's a desperate pull to just let it all go and fall. Just go. And even as I imagine the terrifying descent, I understand that is exactly what I do need. To let go. Give it up. Let far more able hands take care of what I need. And God will be there to help me pick up the broken pieces again. He'll be there to repair the cracks and form new shapes out of the mishandled clay. He will hide me in the shadow of his wing and guard me from the arrows. But right now, I'm still just toppling and the ground isn't getting any closer.
At what point do you say - I'm done? When can we safely give up the hope we've clung to? Is there a place us disillusioned and disappointed recovering hopers can go to just be healed and restored before we attempt to feel anything again? If there is, I wish i had directions today....

Set My World On Fire

There is this amazing song by Britt Nicole titled "Set the World On Fire". Chorus - "Take my dreams/Come and give them wings/Lord with You/There's nothing I cannot do". It may sound kinda sappy, but lately I've realized I need to take this to heart.
So, where've I been, right? Well, switching churches on God's call and my nerves, working like a maniac and in general stressing life to the max. And in the background of all this my 27 year old heart has been screaming for something I can't do a darn thing about. It's a good thing I can own property and work without a man, but I find myself wishing for those days of arranged marriages. And here is where Britt Nicole comes in. As I dream of this relationship I want, I am struck by how often the door is closed and I begin to wonder if this is my dream? Or is my dream the greater one of wanting God and HIS dreams? As a single woman capable of speaking, I've seen in a new light the ways God has changed my heart and used me and pursued me. He's provided opportunities for my own personal healing in areas and times of encouragement to others in their wounds. Why would I give up the provider, comforter, healer, lover, etc. I've already found in God for an earthly substitute? And yet, I wish for that. I can't let it go.
So, here I am. Asking yet again for God to show me the dream He has while pining for my own dream. Is it wrong to want to be married? heavens, no! But it is if it's not the path God has created for you. And in my case, this seems more and more to be the plan. So, in conclusion, what I'm asking for here is a fire. Lord, set my world on fire. Burn what is dead and destroy the things designated for destruction. Hide my "other lovers" and hedge me in. Speak tenderly to me as I walk the wilderness of saying goodbye to the dreams I desperately cling to in hope of being known as only You can know me.