I am a Rockstar...

Do you ever think about being a rockstar? Maybe you play a mean air guitar. Or sing very loudly in your car (Note: if this is you, remember to roll your window up before serenading everyone next to you at the stoplight, just a personal observation from my own "I totally sound like Madonna!!" days). Does Guitar Hero, or even the thought of playing, excite you to no end because you know you can rock out and be legit while doing it and you're not just crazy? Then yes-you too must be a rockstar.

At last night's Skillet concert here in Fargo, I had the opportunity to rock out just a bit and it renewed a longing in my heart I have never really pursued. The desire to be a rocker chick. Now, I must preface with this note, I have no musical talent. When I was younger I always hoped to get really good at the viola and dreamed of playing electric viola in a rock band. When I graduated, my parents gave me a guitar for my present. I still wonder if they just misheard my "I want a car" and instead heard "I want a guitar." So, I did my best to teach myself guitar and I got some of the basics, but nowhere near the level I would need to be a rockstar or even lead youth group worship. It comes down to my ever present underlying issue of self-control.

Self-control is by far the worst thing I deal with because I don't have it. At all. Seriously, none. I didn't have enough self-control in this case to practice. And thus, my dreams of rock and roll have been stunted. But, after seeing chick rockers in action, I feel that burning desire to go pick up my guitar and play. Well, I also have a desire to get another tattoo, but that isn't really what this is about...

What this all brings about is a question in my mind about who I am and where I am in my life. This week has been especially tough. There is this job that I figure I'm perfect for. It's youth, it's ministry, it's focus is teen girls. I'm a teen girl at heart and love ministry! It's perfect for me!! But there are many many voices in my world saying "No." This disheartens me and I have to step back reeling asking myself - Who am I? What am I doing with my life? Where am I going? I think, for me, this question can be answered in a short but sweet phrase - "As for you, follow me." (John 21:22). It's harder than you tihnk to just be still. Especially when you are a planner and you want to know what to expect and how to prepare best. I think on things(whether money, men or material) and figure I know what's best for me, how it could work out, when it should happen. But isn't this ultimately taking away from the joy and adventure of following God? What I'm doing is removing His sovereignty and replacing it with mine. Yes, I have free will, but I want HIS will, not my human attempt.

So today, I am choosing to continue to be still and settle into the course. If I think about it, it's a lot like white water rafting. The course is set and it isn't always smooth sailing, but there's a direction. The current will pull me along it if I just allow it to. I will have to work hard to stay on course and not flip my raft, but it's really a constant pull in the right direction. I find myself trying to go back up the stream though and it's hard but sometimes I really push for it and I have to be reminded that when I'm looking back or around, I miss what's ahead of ME. I lose sight of the path I'm riding down. May I be focused up and ahead on the Creator of the course and the current of my heart.

When is faith enough?

I just read this article on how we shouldn't rely so heavily on the open door/closed door philosophy of prayer. The article says Satan loves to close and open doors at his will so we need to trust in what God has placed within our heart. If we know that God wants us to do something, that He's designed us to do it, then we need to pursue it and be persistent about it. So-armed with this new insight, I cannot help but wonder at my own circumstances. I really feel like I know what God has for me. And I have asked and asked and asked-talk about persistent! Yet, I am still without. Should this be a sign it is a closed door? At least right now? How do you give something up if you think it's truly just a "not now" response? I mean, if it's not now, you still think it will be sometime in the future, so you keep hope alive when maybe it would be less cruel to just let it die for the time being. I'm not good at this. As a matter of fact, this is the thing I am worst at. I know God sees my heart and I know He sees my circumstance and He knows what I want. But I can't help but feel slightly disappointed that again it's no, at the very least a not now. God-if it's not to be, take it away completely, I'm too destructive to myself. For my sake, close the door completely and guard my heart from the pain I know is coming with this prayer...

I probably don't need yet another way to be dependant on my microuniverse phone, but I cannot resist : )

11:30 PM Tuesday, what the heck?!?

Does time ever escape you? You think it's a nice quiet evening and then something happens and suddenly it's ripped away with stuff to do. And then you realize it's almost midnight and you should go to bed. But-there's so much in your head and fingertips that needs to get out before you can.

For me, writing is a way of releasing some sort of emotional energy. I am acutely aware of the fact that almost no one gets to see these desperate words begging for someone, anyone to notice but I must write or it will just fester. So-sorry for those that do read this :) My sincere apologies for what is about the spew forth...

I really love Anberlin. Tonight I'm listening to this awesome song called "The Unwinding Cable Car". The chorus goes like this: "This is the correlation between salvation and love/Don't drop your arms/I'll guard your heart/With quiet words I'll lead you in" To me, it speaks of this intimate relationship. God is truly the correlation between salvation and love - He gave us salvation that we might know love, His love. It also speaks of His urgency in His call on my life. This si all speculation for this evening mind you and tomorrow I'm sure it'll mean something else. But tonight, tonight it means "Cass-please, please come to Me. Let Me guard you and love you and show you what I want for you!!" There's this desperation. Not that God is desperate for me, but me for Him. I'm utterly lost without Him. Yet, I run from His call. I run because I want something "more" than what He has for me right now. That more could be satisfying for today and maybe even tomorrow, but is it what I really want if it's not centered in God? If I have to manipulate and worry and cry is it really something I can claim glorifies God? Which is what I hold out as the point of my life, right? So-why do I try so hard to chase this illusion? Why do I run so fast from the life I know God wants for me? Honestly, can anyone tell me why we as humans are so dang terrified of God's plan?!? Why would we run if we know, we KNOW that He loves us? All of us? Every piece of us...

Why am I running? Why is my heart growing harder and harder again? Don't let me fall again, Father!

Don't drop your arms/I'll guard your heart/With quiet words I'll lead you in...

Springtime Comes

I am having a hard time believing today that we will get inches and inches of snow. It's April! But then I see the parallel in my own life. Much like we rarely get a break in the weather department, I rarely get a break in the endurance department. Once, a long time ago, I prayed for patience. I prayed to be more peaceful. And now-well let's just say, be careful when you pray that.

God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him ~ James 1:12

Now, I really have nothing to complain about here. But I am in amazement of the work God has done in me. When I first prayed this prayer I was hoping it would get me somewhere quicker. You know, if I follow the formula I get what I want. But, nothing ever really did happen the way I had hoped it would. Let's fast forward to today though...

Today I woke up with a peace and joy in my heart I rarely enjoy. It's not a spring out of bed feeling or a smile the day away joy. No, this is a more subtle kind of thing. It's a deep thing. A rooted experience. No, today I woke up and I knew that no matter what today brings or what yesterday didn't I would be perfectly content and okay. Even though I may not enjoy my work or things may not happen the way I would hope or ministry is not as fruitful as I would like. Even though I think I'm missing things I should have. No-today I woke up and I knew I was exactly who I should be, exactly where I am and exactly how much God loves me. And that, my friends, is a good thing. When I finally rest on this, I have found what I need and I know I need nothing else. If I am with God where He is, I am where I need to be. And I am joyful in this. Amen

At best it's been a vapor...

I'm in a place between humbled and despair. It's a darker place yet not entirely bad. I'm struck by the life I have lived thus far and the temporary gods I've chased to no avail. Even if I achieved what I strived to do, the races have long since been forgotten. Misty Edwards sings in her song, "Life has been a vapor, at best it's been a vapor." Do I want to live my life to see it pass on the wind or do I want to leave an eternal legacy behind when I go? If I were to answer with my heart, it's all about legacy. However, my mind and probably hormones say I want something that will please for todayand probably tomorrow, but in the end-is eternity affected?

Square One

It comes back again... The dreaded issue plaguing me all my life. The ever elusive loneliness that lurks in the dark reaches of my heart. Tonight it began as I watched TV alone and the snow storm raged outside my window. It would seem each time I let God have my heart fully, He answers these small miracle prayers only to make me want more and then I end up back where I began wanting what I cannot have - at least not yet. I never understand why I can't just take things at their face value and be happy with that. Why is contentment such a hard thing? It's nights like tonight that I fall asleep to lies and pre-recorded tapings of how and why exactly I am alone. I hate nights like tonight...