Confusion reigns when faith falters...

I've written about being actively still v. passively moving. I am constantly amazed at how quickly I forget what God shows me.
I began contemplating moving this weekend. And there is a thrill of the new and exciting and what could happen. But as I processed through I realized I was running. Life wasn't happening according to my will here in Fargo, so Minneapolis must be a better place to foster my dreams and ambitions. How interesting that I would believe that? I know for a fact that changing your circumstances rarely changes your heart in matters like this. It also reminds me that there's a bigger plan at work and I don't want to hinder that. I want to be where God is. A verse that pops out to me is this:

Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever (Psalm 73:25-26 NLT).

It continues to remind me that no matter how feeble or wavering my heart is, God is my strength. And my weakness in this case is the desire to run from a job that constantly brings me tears and yet draws me to higher places with the Lord, flee from ministry goals unfulfilled, sprint wildly from a lonely apartment with potential infestation and gun carrying residents. As I look on these things, I realize God has been whispering to me all this time, "I am your strength, give me your heart because I know what to do with it. I know how to grow you, Cassandra. I know how to love you and keep you safe. Why would you desire anything more than that?" I confess, sometimes I think I know what would be best. I think I can pick out the right place or time or person. When I do that though, I take the pen away from the story God wants to write. Wouldn't life be more poetic, beautiful, more everything if it were written by Him? Why would I choose anything besides Him? He created my heart and my desires. He knew the tapestry had a plan long before I showed up. Why must I continue grabbing that pen? At one point last week I simply said, "I'm done." If I truly am, He is in control then. It's a choice I must make to give Him back His authority in my life. I choose to step down off this throne and let Him reign. When He is in the seat of authority in my life, my life becomes a reflection of who He is. And that is ultimately my desire, to be a reflection of my Lover, my joy, my Savior. As the saying goes-I may be the only Bible some will ever read...

uh

I think that sums it up. Uh. It's not bad necessarily, but it's definitely not good. I had a revelatory thought yesterday that is kinda blowing my mind. I'm done-I surrender.
I am at the end of me and I can't go any further. I have run out of resources and strength. I'm broken. I'm tired. I'm weak. But... I'm Yours. And by that I mean God's. I don't often feel like this. Broken, yes. Tired, yes. But defeated? No, not usually. But this world we're living in isn't easy. It's a world of hurt people and shiny things. The other thing this world has is an endless supply of things to waste time... Like facebook and blogging :) Where was I going with this? Oh yes...
I'm done. The beautiful thing about being done is that now-there's nothing but God. I don't really want to exist outside of His ways and Him. I was driving today and realizing that I am passionately in love with God. As I am hurting and sick inside, He sits beside me and holds my hand and tells me "You are mine, I have called you by name." When I'm crying and lonely He is there saying, "I am with you always. You are precious to me." As I lie down in peace and I can still hear Him speaking love to me beyond anything this world can fathom. Am I superChristian or something? No. But I do know that God is lovesick over me. He sent His son to die for me so I can be here, in His presence, without sin or shame. He is ravished by me. He is my Creator. He knows my heart and my head and everything... and YET He loves me.
Do you believe it? I can barely comprehend it, but I know in the deep part of my heart that it's true. How? Because when I look at my heart and my prayers and my life-I can't see anything good outside Him. All of the great things about me are because of Him. He is so patient with me!! Time and again I run to my high places and build my altars to false gods. Yet He draws me back and cleanses me again. I cry and scream that I don't want His way. Yet He holds me and heals me when I am broken and spent. Why do You love me this way God?!? How can You?!? But You do. And He loves you too...

These walls are good..

I am currently reading this fabulous book called "Undressed". Yes, yes-it is a Christian singles book on how to get a date. No-actually, it's not about that. It's about our relationship with God. Really, isn't that relationship ultimately the Big One? But here's the thing. There's this story about what to do when you get lost. Apparently when we were kids we were told what to do. I have never had this conversation with my parents but that is another blog entirely. You are supposed to stay put when you get lost. Just stop where you are so that those who love you can find you. If you start moving around, even though you think you are helping, you are just making it harder for them to find you. The author equates this to our struggling with finding love. I see this on two levels really but let me elaborate. The concept being addressed is this: instead of being passively moving, be actively still. Can you remember the last time you were honestly still? I have been trying it over the last few days. Just sitting in the presence of God and being. not asking. not crying. not singing. Just being. It's weird. We get so caught up in doing for God we forget to BE with God. Yes-we should do what God has called us to do, but we can't fill anyone else unless we are filled. I was recently at a conference where they were using the story of the ten virgins as a picture of Christians today. 5 were fully prepared, they had their lamps and extra oil. 5 were foolish and brought only their lamps. When the time came that the 5 foolish ran out of oil, the 5 wise would not give them any of their oil. I used to think this was so mean. Why wouldn't you share!? But here's the fact, if we continue to pour out and pour out, eventually we need to refill. If we unwisely forget to bring more oil (forget to get filled ourselves) we will all end up in the dark.

Okay, that wasn't what I wanted to share actually. Let me know if you want that lesson though-I have it now!! :)

Back to the being still. What I realized was this: I am so consumed with being passively moving that I simply wander from one thing to the next thing to the next guy to the next lesson to the next whatever. I never stay in one place for long. I never stop. To be actively still requires stopping. It also requires letting go of the control I have when i am constantly moving. When I pick up my feet and go I go where I want and do what I want. Being actively still requires me to trust that God is going to do the moving. if I am still, if I stop-love will find me. Love will find me. God will begin to move. Because I'm simply resting in stillness waiting on Him. What a bizarre idea. Stop so you can be moved. As Misty Edwards says in one of her songs. This is an upside down inside out world. While this blog may seem to be a lament on my lonely single life, it's not. I'm kinda glad I'm not dragging someone else around with this :) It's more about the promise that God has been growing in me to be a messenger of the Word. I don't know what that looks like or what that means. but I am also runnign aroudn trying to be everything so maybe I'm just confused. So as I seek stillness, let's see what God does in the absence of me. By that I mean, what happens when we forget about ourself and let Him do the living? Could this dream be fulfilled? Could that other dream about being loved and loving be fulfilled? If the answer is YES-I want it to be God's YES, not mine...

Why?

I realize no one really reads this but for those that might, this is simply a cry from my heart. I can't dance anymore. I feel like my life is just one big school dance; the popular kids hang out trying to spike the punch, there are people dancing, the computer geeks hover together trying to look at the latest tech magazine. And then there I am sitting by the wall. Waiting for my chance to dance. I keep trying to get up to dance and sometimes people even try to dance with me, but it's just not right. Something is just not quite right. So, finally I sit back down and try to just watch. All I really want is to leave the dance and go home. But apparently the dance is never over and I am just allowed to sit and watch. I realize this isn't a completely formed idea, but it's really my heart right now. So, I guess I will just have to smile and keep hoping that someday, someday I will dance better.