Little Miss Mary Sunshine

“Little Miss Mary Sunshine had a bad day…” As Saving Jane would say. It’s not a particularly bad day, but more a general attitude of late. Since my last post bitterness has been uprooted and wounds are healing over nicely. Except for this one…

Next week I will be turning 27. I will be a full-fledged responsible adult. I’ll be in my upper twenties for sure. This age brings me a lot of stress. To begin with, in my circle I am apparently not considered an adult or, at very least, responsible enough to take care of small things like forms or keys or whatever may need to be responsibly taken care of. I’m not sure what I did to give folks the impression that I am not grown up, but I get the strong vibe that a lot of people think this way of me. Well, I guess I just have to remember that I know I am and everyone else can just do it themselves then. There comes a time in a person’s life when they really just have to quit caring about this world and live for what’s important to them. So, as I am trying to define what really is important, I guess caring what people think of me should be added to the list of “Quit Caring About It”. Let’s make a list, shall we?

Important:

• Relationship with God-my lover, my comfort, my tower, my refuge
• Relationship with students-pouring into the next generation of believers
• Being responsible with what God has blessed me with-finances, time, etc.
• Loving people
• Living a life that cause glory to God

Quit Caring About It:

• What other people think about me
• How I look in my favorite clothes
• Whether someone at work likes me or not or thinks I nap all day instead of working hard like I am-in other words, know I’m doing my job and quit retaliating with “But I AM working!! And harder than you!”
• How many great classics I have not read yet and assuming that it makes me an idiot because I haven’t.
• How much I love stupid fiction sometimes.
• Whether I’m good enough or pretty enough or whatever enough for any one person or group. I’m enough Cass for God and that is enough.

I feel good about this. I think I can work this out. See how much smaller my Important list is? It’s not difficult or outrageous. But too many things in my Quit Caring About It list outdo the Important things. So, this is the beginning of being a responsible, goal-oriented, time managed and prioritized adult… Or this is just the beginning of caring about what matters to me instead of letting other people shape and form my life for me. I feel wiser already J

Bitter Roots

Lately I have struggled with bitterness forming in my heart towards a particular coworker and it just doesn't get better. And today something happened yet again to just further the growth of this cancerous root of bitterness. Seriously, it's infecting every part of me. And it dawned on me that I can't remove this. I'm weak and needy, poor and lowly. I can't do what my God can do. And I need to fall on Him as the strength of my heart and portion forever. Humility, it comes in a flash.

An area I really see this terrible root growing is in singleness. As I drove to work today I was thinking of my current situation and I thought to myself, "Why would I want to love or lean on a man when I know they'll fail me anyway. I should simply love the Lord and remember that He ALONE is my refuge, my place of safety. A man cannot be that, ever." Yes, there is so much truth and joy and passion in those statements. And yes they are true of my heart and my thoughts. But even in this, I saw this strain of bitterness. Do you see it? Cynical, critical, judgmental, unforgiving... I could go on, but all these things are so far from where the Lord wants my heart to be and yet, I mask them with this seemingly "spiritual" statement that God is my portion forever. Lord-break me and shape me and destroy what I've created in me because I just don't have the heart to do it nor the strength. May I be YOUR Creation, not my own...