The Idea of Lonesome

It's kinda dreary today, in my outer world and within. It's usually these kind of entries I look back and remember where I've been. Particularly this week as yet another Valentine's Day approaches. I'm tired of the pity party, self-loathing cycle and yet it comes with a vengeance yet again this year. I know in my heart that God is good and He does not withhold any good thing from those who walk uprightly. But it feels pretty unfair on this side of things and not so good either. So what does it look like to walk out a life of faith publicly knowing in your heart it's just kind of an act? I mean, I am so thankful for the blessings that I DO have, friends, my family, ministry, my amazing job and most importantly the love of a faithful God. But at the end of the day, when I'm done playing my parts, there's this dull ache to just be and have someone know me in THAT place, you know? Someone to call home. Someone who isn't going to be gone when life changes but changes with me. But since this eludes me, I'm struggling with how to just walk it out in the path I do know, the one I can see. At what point can I just write these hopes off?

For example, I will never be a missionary in the traditional sense of the word like going to other countries. I may do outreach and be a missionary in my sphere of influence certainly, but I will not be going overseas. Not because I've closed that door and said no but it just isn't a call to my heart. I've been on mission trips and they were amazing - hot, but amazing. I've done evangelism on beaches, on the streets, in my dorm. But at the end of it, I know I'm called to building up the Body and showing people this God we love. I know I won't be a missionary. So I don't worry about it, I let it go and enable others who are called to that path. I also know I am not musically equipped, so I don't worry about it and sing my heart out knowing it's totally killing that choir instructor three rows back. But I don't take lessons and try to be something I'm just not designed for. At what point in my life can I finally say I'm meant to be single and stop hoping for anything more? When can I stop cringing at people holding hands and beautiful little babies? What has to happen for me to just let go of it?

I can already hear certain people in my life starting their comments with "Just give it time...", "You're still young...", and "The right guy will come along..." Yeah, he could. Maybe even sooner than I think as I anticipate moving. But what happens when I inevitably ruin it? Or things go well and we end up married and find out I can't have kids? Or something, anything happens? Will I then just wish for some other situation with all my heart as I do this one? When does it stop? Marriage is not a cure-all. The root of it all is discontentment with where I think God has me, and dating isn't going to change that.

It's such a fine line between discontentment and simply being dissatisfied with what this world has, retaining hope in the eternal. It's so simple to cross that line. One day I can know it's all fleeting and rejoice that I am lovesick and groaning in anticipation of Jesus coming back for me. The next - well this. So, I will just have to lean on knowing this episode will pass and try to keep hope alive.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
Romans 15:13 (ESV)