But they're so comfortable...

Lord, I don't usually write to you here. But this needs to be a message to me that this cannot stay here in my heart. It needs to be visible beyond my own existence because if it stays here, it will eat me alive and kill my spirit.

I'm hurting. I'm broken on the inside. My pain doesn't have any marks or bruises or symptoms. It's just there, ever aching. It's a familiar pain. Comfortable, well known wounds. It's so easy to just walk this path of despair again. It's like getting into the jeans you love but you know you shouldn't wear them because they don't fit quite right anymore. Anyway, it's this comfortable track I'm running in tonight.

It's always the same thing, Lord. Constantly. I see why You get so upset with Israel. She chased after all of these broken cisterns hoping one would satisfy. But only You can satisfy. Only You know what I need more than anything. I need You. I need Your grace and emrcy. I need Jesus.

Since I truly believe Satan does seek to kill and destroy anything that brings You glory, I must also believe that he seeks to kill and destroy me and the purposes you have ordained for me. I am called by You!! I have been chosen to know You, to love You and understand that You alone are God! (Isaiah 43:10). This well beaten path is a stronghold where Satan can drag me in. I even go willingly because that comforting feeling is so validated by this world. I'm not smart enough, pretty enough or just plain good enough. I'm not lovable. I'm not worth anyone's time or attention. These lies swim around and even as I write them, Daddy, my heart is shattering piece by small piece. They each fall with a resonating thud because each has weight i nmy heart. They echo my own thoughts of myself. This is how I see me? This is how I perceive myself? And I'm sad to say that it is. Tonight anyway. And how many countless nights in the past...

Now that I've begun down this road I find it hard to bring myself to the truth. Jesus died to bring me life abundant in unbroken relationship with God. he redeemed me that I might seek after Him and be WITH Him. He finds me lovely and beautiful. In Jesus, I am a jewel and a fragrant aroma. Because of Jesus, I am a Beloved of God. He is the Lover of my soul and the Giver of my dreams. Why would I choose that familar path when this one has so much more potential!! I know where that path leads. I've lived there for over a decade. I know how it ends. Continuing on that path means heartbreak. Each time I go that way I get closer to the final walk. What if I can't climb out this time? What if I find I don't want to? What if I lose sight of who I am truly in Christ? We both know the answer to that what if...

But tonight, I'm saying no. No to despair. No to darkness. No to the demons trying to pierce me again and again with their arrows of self-hatred. Tonight I say YES to You!! I am broken and I am weary. I am tired of this path and this constant result. I am hurting and sad. but I have Your arms around me. You walk beside me. You walk through it with me. And in that truth, I rest. I settle into Your Sovereign presence and nestle in Your arm as You cry with me. And I will wake tomorrow and walk with You and see Your glory. I will not be discouraged from the life You have assigned to me. I will walk with You, maybe a little tired and timidly, but I will walk with you. I am Yours and I am in love with You. There is nothing but You that this heart beats for. So, God, hold me close tonight and keep me safe. Safe from Satan, from demons, from myself. Gently lay me to rest in Your presence...

To my readers: This is my God. A God of love and comfort. I've been struggling with depression and relationships and other related issues for so many years I cannot even try to explain. But I know this tonight-I'm done running and hiding. God saved while I was yet a sinner. He reached out to me when I was screwed up and far from perfect. So bearing my brokenness to Him tonight is like a refreshing rain. And His withholding of my desire is not a bad thing to me. No, He's warned me time and again that this is a god in my life and I need to throw it out. Tonight, I feel that pain acutely and I realize He's saying, "Get rid of it! Seriously, I am not joking around!! You are playing with a dangerous fire by keeping these feelings lurking about, ready to jump in when something doesn't go the way you want. I've spoken to you about this and you know My answer, now let me continue My work in you and through you. I have the master plan and I know the path to get you where I need you to be. Let me guide you and shape you and along the way I will show you how much I love you, my Beloved."

He is the God of love; gentle love when He's comforting, tough love when our sin breaks our relationship with Him, honest love when we bear our true hearts and souls and passionate love to see us to the finish line. May you walk in His love tonight...