Happy Valentine's Day... from God!

I woke up this morning and it slowly seeped into this singleton's mind that it's THE day, V-Day. As I ran my heart out this morning at the gym and read I didn't think much of it. As I got dressed in my pink shirt and necklace and got out the door, I thought about what we'd look at for Bible Study today. But as I was driving to work down 45th it hit me: the sunshine, the glistening snow, the love. Right there, I knew in my heart, my Valentine had given me the greatest gift-Jesus. He continued to shower me with beautiful things like sunshine and joy. All this may seem slightly Hallmark-ish, but it's so very true for me today. On this day I generally dread because I've never had a "true valentine", I am realizing instead that I have the best one. Why do we struggle with being single and alone on Valentine's Day? I think it's because we fear that if we don't have someone tangible, we have not been chosen as someone special, worthy of attention or affection. Chosen. That's the key word for me. I want so badly to be "the One" for some guy to choose out of all the other girls, and because that hasn't happened I feel like maybe I'm just not that special. But the truth is this:

But now, O Jacob, listen to the Lord who created you. O Israel, the one who formed you says, “Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine... Others were given in exchange for you. I traded their lives for yours because you are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you. ~Isaiah 43:1, 4

He chose ME. He pursued ME. He sent Jesus for ME... He loves me, more than any person here on earth can. Because He knows my heart and He knows my weakness and yet He loves me. He loves me, He loves me, He loves me. My heart-He knows my heart's desires and yearnings and passions, He placed them there in the delicate creation of who I am. I'm such a girl, but I need to know it. I'm worth something to my heavenly Husband, I'm worth Jesus. My heavenly Bridegroom God desires me, He wants to know me, He wants to bless me and grow me and cherish me... What more do I need and what could a man give that would be better than knowing that? God's love for me is eternal and unchanging, He will never stop pursuing me. How romantic and lovely... :)

(By the way-guys out there, God loves you like this too but it might sound a bit more like this; "I (grunt) you know really appreciate your strength and desire to be a warrior for My cause. Man-I took a cross for you, buddy!")

Ok. I'm done. No more.

Is there something in the water? Today marks the fourth engagement for friends I am close to within the last 2 months... AND it's Valentine's Day week. Could it get worse? Never mind, I know it could...

Argh!

Is there really any explanation for bad days? I am having one and I want to know why gosh darn it!? There are of course many things that could factor into this particular bad day: I have a lot of junk to do at work that I am completely unqualified and unprepared for, everything around me is red and pink, I got almost no sleep last night, it's Monday, etc... But I am really starting think this world just really really hates me. Oh. Wait, it does... John 15:8-9 "If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. " That's right, my day is really really terrible because this world isn't mine. I don't fit. I'm a stranger. Whew-hallelujah. Problem answered, though not completely solved...

There is no title.

Today marks a good day and yet a hard day. I am studying through James 4 and I realize it is so good.

"You want what you don’t have, so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous of what others have, but you can’t get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them. Yet you don’t have what you want because you don’t ask God for it. And even when you ask, you don’t get it because your motives are all wrong—you want only what will give you pleasure. You adulterers! Don’t you realize that friendship with the world makes you an enemy of God? I say it again: If you want to be a friend of the world, you make yourself an enemy of God." ~James 4:2-4 (NLT)

Now-allow me to clarify. I do not live for this world. As Caedmon's Call so eloquently says, "This world has nothing for me and this world has everything/all I could want and nothing that I need". But some days, it's so very difficult to distinguish between God's small, still voice and the ever louder voice of this world that twists truth just enough to make me believe it is still truth when it's deceit.
A current example of this. I have felt like I should change churches. There are no opportunities for me to teach from my heart here. There are too many hoops to jump through to get into leadership. There are no dating prospects who don't already know me and think I'm such a great friend they wouldn't want to date me (okay-this is the least of my issues, I do realize. Be assured I am not basing this move on this at all:)) So I think through these things and yes-I love my church and would like to stay, but part of me can't help but think that maybe I am allowing myself to just get too comfortable. Maybe I do need to move to another church to continue growing God's gift of teaching. Or am I simply passively moving by doing that? What's the answer and why can't I simply just be still in His presence and allow Him to speak to me?? These verses bring realization to me in the form of discerning my motives. As we know by now, I can sometimes allow my singlehood to make decisions for me, so is this a factor? I do not seek fame normally, but is there a small part me that would kind of like to be a youth ministry hero? Is there something I am running from in my current situation? All of these thoughts dance back and forth in my mind and I get more and more anxious about not seeing God's hand in it the longer I think....
What's the answer? Can anyone help me??

Passion and Purpose

As I look back on the past few months and even years of my life, I realize one thing has ruled my mind and something entirely different has ruled my heart. My mind and will want ministry while my heart has been seeking after relationships. This is reflected in what I spend my time meditating on, spend my money on, talk about, cry about and read about. While I have loved ministry and know that God has a place in His story for me to play a part, I have neglected to develop that which is my purpose and should be my passion.

Today I was at a seminar for parents and youth leaders and the presenter spoke about issues relating to teens in our world today and how we can lead them into a life seeking to make godly choices. As I sat there and learned about things I see each week I am with students, I realized that I want to be a part of leading this next generation to a place where they can make a difference in this broken world for God's kingdom. I want to see students and families restored. I want to speak prophetically into the lives of young adults and see God's hand moving in their lives. All of a sudden this passion rose up in me and I saw myself poured out for God's kingdom. Just for Him. And I realized that this is not a new vision. No, I've been working with youth since 1998. Almost 10 years!?! What happened to my passion for youth? I get excited about them when I see growth. I say I want to be a light in their dark worlds. And I have wanted that for a long time. But why haven't I ever been this passionate about it?

The answer is I have chosen not to develop and cultivate this particular calling. I realize today that I fall back on my single status as a crutch for allowing myself to be downhearted, broken and vulnerable. This thinking is comfortable because the world can justify it. We live in a coupled world. Being single is not the norm, at least not for a long period of time. If I am single, this world says there is something wrong and I need to work on fixing it until it's right. So I buy books and talk about it and blah blah blah. I have been pouring into this part of my life because this world says it's not right and I need to look more like the world. Even the Christian world upholds marriage and relationships as the purpose in our lives after God. And while I do believe in my heart that someday I will have a family, I also know in my heart that this life I have needs to be lived out for God and Him alone. I can do that today by pursuing this purpose He has called me to and make it my passion.

I am coming to understand that the great speakers are the ones who speak with passion and zeal for their topics. Whether it's a salesman who knows, uses and loves his product or a religious zealot who feels called by his deity-they will be passionate about their case because they believe in it with their whole hearts. For me, this journey to passion begins with reading. I read a lot. And if we look at what I've been reading lately, we see it all stems from my desire for a relationship. However, I have many books on youth ministry as well. yet they sit collecting dust until I finish yet another book on how God loves me and I don't need a man but here's how you can get one. I'm going to start my new journey with "The Seven Checkpoints".

As I start actively seeking God's desire for me to reach this broken generation, may I be sensitive to the needs and dreams of those I come in contact with. May I cry out to God for passion beyond my imaginaton to intercede for and speak into the lives of these students. May I encourage and uplift those who cross my path. May I understand and see them with the eyes of Jesus. I am waiting, Lord. Break me, shape me, refine me, use me.

Random Quote for Discussion

"Love involves us, but it's not about us" ~Jason Illian (Undressed)

Hmm, it makes me think, but what do you think?

Oh February, must you come?

So it is February, a month I usually hate. But after the longest month of my life, it is a welcome change. Why do we get excited about the changing months? I always get excited to start a new habit or diet or whatever but really it's just another day in another year. This blog-not about months though really.

I am sick today. Physically as well as spiritually/emotionally as I am figuring out. Physically those gross green glob-men from the Mucinex commercial have taken up residence in MY lungs now. It's horrible-feel very badly for me and send me chocolate.

On the other note though, I have been struggling with the same issue throughout the month of January. Mainly a "guy thing". As in, I kind of want one but am not mature enough to have one. If you don't know me, when it comes to this arena, I am a 15 year old girl. And since I am actually 26 that is a problem. Other aspects of life-I am quite mature, some would say beyond my years even. But there's this part of my heart that just doesn't shine the joy and love of Jesus like the rest. My question is why? Why is this the hardest thing in the world for me? There are plenty of things for me to pray for-my family's salvation, my ministry, my job, world peace (i was started to sound a little self-absorbed there). Yet, when I come to God with my heavy heart-it's always the same prayer "When is it my turn to have a relationship?"

The rumor on the street is that when I stop looking, I will find him. I'm not looking. I haven't really for a long time, like a year! I cannot help it when good Godly men are placed in my path however. It is here that the problem begins. I mean why would God bring them around if not to bless me and give me that relationship, right? As I am slowly figuring out after this month of torment, the answer to that question is there are a ton of reasons He will put them in my path. One-they need to hear the Word. Two-they need to be encouraged. Three-their parents accidentally hired a psychopath. I could continue but I think you get the idea. So I guess, now that I recognize that guys are humans with needs as well, I can just simply love them like the brothers they are. If only it were that simple for me. This sad, dark little corner in my heart where all this takes place refuses to give up the need to throw my heart foolishly into whoever is passing by. There is no reason, no strategy, no restraint. It's just the reaction that happens when they happen by!! Very frustrating, yet how do I reign it in? How do I fix it?

I did a series in youth group on Edmund from "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe" (aka Narnia, both a book series and a movie). The story of Edmund is interesting because when we look at this allegorical movie we want to be any character but Edmund. Sweet Lucy who finds Narnia, wise Susan who has a motherly instinct, brave and courageous Peter who battles for the land of Narnia. Anyone but Edmund who constantly baits his little sister and disregards any instruction given to him. Edmund follows Lucy into Narnia one night and is met by the White Witch/Queen of Narnia. This lady is bad news. She sees him and finds out he could possibly be a piece of the prophecy that, if fulfilled, would result in her downfall. She begins to draw him to herself by offering him a piece of Turkish Delight and a warm drink. Edmund takes the bait. It was just a small bit of Turkish Delight and what could that hurt? Before we know it though, we see Edmund betraying his family and friends, running alone and eventually captured and jailed. All in pursuit of just a bit more Turkish Delight. The scene with Edmund in jail shackled and desolate breaks my heart. I am that distraught boy. I have sought after my own "Turkish Delight" (relationships, popularity, etc) and instead of the joy and peace I hoped it would bring landed myself with the shackles of guilt and emptiness as I look at what I had done in the pursuit of these things.

Today I am again faced with the truth that I am gearing myself up to continue this sad addiction. James 1:13-16 says:

13When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; 14but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. 15Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. 16Don't be deceived, my dear brothers.

My Turkish Delight is this desire for a relationship. It's not a "bad" thing necessarily, I will someday get married I'm sure. But how do I kill temptation and leave room for God to bring that desire into my life? I know what I must do but I don't want to do it. Surrender. Trust that God knows what the plan is. Finally just give this corner of my heart to Him and watch as He shatters and destroys the idols and altars I have been storing there. It hurts, it's heart-wrenching. But so necessary to give Him room to do what He wants with this corner. I just pray I'll know when the right "decor" passes by.

I guess that's what faith is about huh? Stopping yourself so God can do His work. He will give me what He desires for me and that has to be better than this crazy heart-throwing dance I am doing currently. Since I am desperately vulnerable and honest with all of my readers, you must all think I'm a psycho now. While that my be true in this area, know that I am not in most others. I hope you'll still be my friend. :)