Oh for the love of rest...

It's another late night stretch this week. I'm breaking up my evening with a little creative writing that doesn't include the words "Quality Improvement" or "Stakeholders".

I miss reading and sleeping in. I miss Sunday afternoon naps. I really miss not having more to do than what I've gotten done. But it's all coming to a close sooner than I imagined. My replacement starts a week from today and I have a mixed feeling about it all. On the one hand, I am passing on somewhat of a legacy. I mean, I really developed and grew this position and I am preparing to pass it off. I am so thankful for the growth and the knowledge I've gained, but I know I'm done. I couldn't stay much longer running with this. It's time to move along and I think she will do just fine.

On the other hand, I have no job yet and no home and no idea where to begin without one or the other. And yet, the lack of plans is somewhat good. I mean, I've seen God moving and opening and shuffling to make this move happen, so I know He's got the job just waiting for me and the home to go with it. I'm really excited for that idea of home. My own home again - where I can nap and read in the living room and watch Lord of the Rings all weekend if I want :) I know, I'm kind of a geek like that, but I miss it! So there is much to look forward to... I just need to continue the abiding and seeking Him as I wait.

There are a few more hours in this day that I can squeeze some life out of so I should get back. But there's a random little update for you all. Really, it's just a test to see how well I incorporate blogging into my new obsession of Twitter. A much less time consuming, practically non-invasive obsession though. Because no, I am not rejoining facebook. :)

Life After facebook - Living Authentically

After my last post I started to ask myself some questions. How do I connect authentically? What allows me to disconnect? How can I be more intentional in relationships with people, not their profiles? So, I deleted facebook.

Yes, drastic, I know. I went through some initial withdrawal which I then appeased by starting up my Twitter account again. So come twitter with me - CassandraLeighW. Or, not, it's ok. But the big thing for this blog is announcing the FREEDOM I have this week! It's freeing to not worry about what they said to them or what party I'm going to be invited to but decline cuz I don't really like that group. I am off the radar and have enjoyed it! I'm no longer inundated with stories of others relationships, kids, work stress via their facebook status or notes. I don't know 25 things about 200 people whom I can't think of one single memory I've made with them in person. It's wonderful. And yet, there are some residual fears that those who connect with me ONLY through facebook will somehow forget I exist. But maybe that's ok. Or maybe they'll follow my Twitter.

Uh oh - It's not you, it's me!!

So I'm browsing along this morning and happen upon some emails which leads to a website which leads to articles which of course is my primary source of procrastination material. And as I read along in this article concerning facebook I read the following:

“Do you think that people who do a lot of online networking become that much less able to relate to people in a way that leaves room for inklings about people rather than making decisions based on profiles which are essentially ingredients listings?”

Um, oh... Yeah. That's me. I confess, I am a pigeonholer. I read a profile, check out the music and movies, and decide what this person is probably like. I admit it, I see my facebook friends as a list of ingredients that make up the whole rather than knowing them. I myself attempt to portray myself as kinda punk, hip and indie with the things I list on my profile and status. So, what is the solution? How do I undo years and years of cyber-knowing people and getting to know them for real? Does emailing count? I mean I've had a couple of people I would count among my good friends that I have primarily a cyber-friendship with. But at the end of the day, I guess the truth is I do enjoy the personal interactions and expressions that come only from truly knowing people. And I do see how I've become awkward and uncertain of myself when it comes to meeting people I've developed a relationship with primarily on the Internet. And I definitely see how I feel like a close friend or have a false intimacy with people solely based on knowing a bunch of random facts about them as this article discusses. And I am guilty too of trying to win people but asking that they know more about me. Heck, I'm blogging right now, aren't I? I don't think I'll stop blogging anytime soon since this is my form of therapy but I might go clean out my facebook profile. If you read this, please - I welcome your thoughts. Interact with me, discuss with me, be more than a just a random reader engaging only with my sporadic thought processes :)

The Idea of Lonesome

It's kinda dreary today, in my outer world and within. It's usually these kind of entries I look back and remember where I've been. Particularly this week as yet another Valentine's Day approaches. I'm tired of the pity party, self-loathing cycle and yet it comes with a vengeance yet again this year. I know in my heart that God is good and He does not withhold any good thing from those who walk uprightly. But it feels pretty unfair on this side of things and not so good either. So what does it look like to walk out a life of faith publicly knowing in your heart it's just kind of an act? I mean, I am so thankful for the blessings that I DO have, friends, my family, ministry, my amazing job and most importantly the love of a faithful God. But at the end of the day, when I'm done playing my parts, there's this dull ache to just be and have someone know me in THAT place, you know? Someone to call home. Someone who isn't going to be gone when life changes but changes with me. But since this eludes me, I'm struggling with how to just walk it out in the path I do know, the one I can see. At what point can I just write these hopes off?

For example, I will never be a missionary in the traditional sense of the word like going to other countries. I may do outreach and be a missionary in my sphere of influence certainly, but I will not be going overseas. Not because I've closed that door and said no but it just isn't a call to my heart. I've been on mission trips and they were amazing - hot, but amazing. I've done evangelism on beaches, on the streets, in my dorm. But at the end of it, I know I'm called to building up the Body and showing people this God we love. I know I won't be a missionary. So I don't worry about it, I let it go and enable others who are called to that path. I also know I am not musically equipped, so I don't worry about it and sing my heart out knowing it's totally killing that choir instructor three rows back. But I don't take lessons and try to be something I'm just not designed for. At what point in my life can I finally say I'm meant to be single and stop hoping for anything more? When can I stop cringing at people holding hands and beautiful little babies? What has to happen for me to just let go of it?

I can already hear certain people in my life starting their comments with "Just give it time...", "You're still young...", and "The right guy will come along..." Yeah, he could. Maybe even sooner than I think as I anticipate moving. But what happens when I inevitably ruin it? Or things go well and we end up married and find out I can't have kids? Or something, anything happens? Will I then just wish for some other situation with all my heart as I do this one? When does it stop? Marriage is not a cure-all. The root of it all is discontentment with where I think God has me, and dating isn't going to change that.

It's such a fine line between discontentment and simply being dissatisfied with what this world has, retaining hope in the eternal. It's so simple to cross that line. One day I can know it's all fleeting and rejoice that I am lovesick and groaning in anticipation of Jesus coming back for me. The next - well this. So, I will just have to lean on knowing this episode will pass and try to keep hope alive.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
Romans 15:13 (ESV)

Mid-Winter Musings

I am so deliquent in writing. Much has been happening and work as always is beyond my stress threshold. But I cannot contain it anymore, so here we are :)
This past Sunday my friend preached a message and it was great but what I especially enjoyed was the following quote from Susan Wesley:

Take this rule: whatever weakens your reason, impairs the tenderness of your conscience, obscures your sense of God, or takes off your relish of spiritual things; in short, whatever increases the strength and authority of your body over your mind, that thing is sin to you, however innocent it may be in itself.

What I love about this is the simplicity in defining what is sin. I mean, as believers in the cross and purpose of Jesus, all things are permissable, but not necessarily beneficial. Which lets us (or me) feel like I can get away with stuff that isn't "technically" sin. But with this definition in mind, I'm convicted. Whether it be liking that guy a little or watching a PG-13 movie with inappropriate themes. Suddenly, I realize I allow so much complacent sin in my life!!
So what's the take home thought of the day? A renewed sense of awareness in how I process and think and allow my heart to be moved. Is what I'm thinking hardening my heart towards someone or something when I should be tender? Is this vein of conversation validating my fleshly agenda over my spiritual? Simple enough and yet so difficult to ask the questions because I know answering them requires repentance and giving of myself over to God's molding. But what a great feeling knowing that I am designed and shaped and created in His image, for His glory. I am His masterpiece and I am still in progress.