Bittersweet Blessings

It's been a difficult weekend. I'm not helping myself any by watching Felicity non-stop. Seriously, I've watched two and half seasons in as many days. But, here's what I've learned. Sometimes, the things I think I want turn out to be the exact things I couldn't handle. I know, life isn't a young adult drama show, no one gets a script and things don't come through when you need them. There is a little bit about the human condition though, portrayed in this series in particular. Whether it's about loving people or financial crisis or figuring out who you're supposed to be. I'm finding this weekend that I am just about as lost in my own little drama of my own making as Felicity is in her scripted one. With the exception of the Ben/Noel dilemma of course. Which, is kinda the purpose of this blog.
You know, in looking back through prior blogs, I've spent my share of writing on relationships and guys and whether or not I'll ever have one. So, today, I'm just reflecting on how the absence of one can be a bittersweet blessing of sorts. Well, I can watch Felicity for a whole weekend. I can not care that I just ate a whole pint of Ben & Jerry's this weekend because I'm not staying beautiful for anyone. I can sleep sideways if I want. I can waste my time dreaming of law school and studying as if I can actually take the LSAT. I can move anywhere I want (in theory)... In reality, the list can go on, but not one of those things is the best case scenario for what my heart aches and longs for. The closest I can come to achieving my dreams is working towards being a lawyer. And it's only because it is the one thing in my life I can control. I can't pray enough to get what I want. I can't be good enough, or beautiful enough, or even smart enough. But I can try. Try to study, learn, and hold onto that dream. But, it's all at the expense, or voluntary sacrifice, of the other dreams I've just hoped would be part of my life, you know like normal people. It's been a long time since I've felt like a normal person though. Which, is in itself a bit of a bittersweet blessing.

Rejoicing

I'm happy today. Like, really happy!! I'd like to say it's these amazing pills, but I know differently. I've been reading an excellent book called "Searching For God Knows What" by Donald Miller and it is blowing my mind. Much like "Blue Like Jazz" did when I first read that book. It's just all these ideas about living life in relationship with Jesus. From seeing God as formulaic to understanding why I live a holy life; I am just being revolutionized. And maybe it has something to do with where I am these days which is happier, but I think there is something more at work.

I've had some opportunities lately to talk candidly about faith and why I believe what I believe and it's been kinda cool to see what comes out of my mouth fully realizing that I cannot take the credit for what God has done in this life of mine. And something that continues to come up is how I know God/Jesus/Christianity is the Way. It's a tough question and "I just know" isn't a readily accepted answer. But, it's true. Knowing God does something in my inner heart. Somewhere in my spirit something flares at worshipping Him and parts of my heart stretch out and yearn when I read the Bible. These are places and things that happen that I cannot explain with words or try to make people understand. They are also not things I can replicate with any earthly attempts. No, these longings and encounters are part of my creation, more deeply woven into my being than anything else I can see. And it's because I was created to know God. I know I am exactly who I was created to be when I am in awe and wonder and longing for this Husband of mine. He has created me to be His Beloved! What is more beautiful and enchanting than that?

So, all of that to say I feel so loved and content and happy today because I KNOW God, and I continue to know Him more. And that my friends, is true joy. So, come rejoice with me!!



"I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit."

~Romans 15:13 (NLT)