Mental Capacity Threshold has been reached...

The stress of the "Big Project" is kind of over. Well, phase 1. And I was hoping for some downtime or at least some breathing space. I have gotten some of that. It's definitely been less stressful of late. But something I was reading about today really struck me. It was an article on multi-tasking and our ability these days to do it so well, in fact we can barely NOT do it. That really applied to me, I though as I read. And what nasty side-effects occur when one is constantly juggling so many things in the air?

I've determined there are three things that I have suffered from since making multi-tasking my primary operation mode:
1- I am never quiet in my head. Ever. Even when I am simply sitting on a couch, I am making lists and worrying and writing potential grants. I am never in silence. This is not good. I probably see this most clearly in my spiritual walk as I haven't stopped long enough to just BE with God. I kinda run in and run out, crying out for peace all the way. I wonder if fifteen minutes of uninterrupted quiet and sitting would really throw my schedule off that much. No, you're right - it wouldn't.
2- I can't look at people. I can't engage anyone in conversation. I've noticed this horrifying trend most when I sit down for coffee with someone and find I cannot look them in the eye for more than five seconds before my brain starts to disengage and begins making lists. This is bad, who wants to know I'm not really listening but simply sitting in their presence?
3- I don't produce clear thoughts in speaking or writing without much effort. I am not as thorough as I usually am. I am acting as if I am burnt out and can't get past this wall in my head. And maybe my mind is protecting me from burn out by shutting off certain things in order to focus me in on more important ones. I don't know.

So, that's the life of this multi-tasker today. I'm praying I can sit in silence this evening for just 15 minutes; in worship, in prayer, in reading. Just 15 minutes of one task, and nothing else creeping in.

"O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you;my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water. So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory. Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands."

~Psalm 63:1-4

The Older the Fiddler, the Sweeter the Tune...

Yep - that's a proverb, English apparently. And today I want to embrace that idea that as I grow one more year older, I produce a sweeter tune on fiddle of life... okay, that's a little corny, but let's go with it shall we?

Yes, today is my 28th birthday and I have been dreading it for eons it feels. This is it, the year I swore I'd be married by and kids and blah blah blah - cuz my mom was my age now when she got married and had me. And while I know, truly I do, this is slightly antiquated and insane to want to be where my mom was, I still have this part in my heart that does. And before everyone starts saying "It'll happen" and "The right guy...", I'd like to make a statement. Those things are not promises of God, and they are too easily desires NOT of God that consume my life. So, let's not feed the beast, okay? I was journalling and singing and enjoying my coffee this morning and as worship songs started to mend up the holes in my overly stretched soul, I heard some beautiful things. Things like this:

• Your light will shine when all else fails
• I stand with arms high and heart abandoned
• The fog is finally clear to see the beautiful life you've given me
• And the only thing I need is a void you can fill and I'll jump ship and run even further in your will
• If I never walk on water, if I never see the miracles, if I never hear your voice so loud, well just knowing that you love me is enoguh to keep me here, just hearing those words is enough to satisfy
• I'm stained with dirt prone to depravity, and you are everything that is bright and clean, the antonym of me, you are divinity.
• From the broken earth, flowers come up

Hmm, good things, each of them. And the thing that blends them all together is that it's about God and His path, His plan, His will. will I be a mom someday? Maybe, but I'm not o nthat path today. What about law school? Certainly possible, but again, what does He have for me today? I stood in church worshipping this morning and remembered the tattoo on my wrist and what it meant, not just to me but to those I've shared the Gospel with because of it.

If I say, "I will not mention him, or speak any more in his name," there is in my heart as it were a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I am weary with holding it in, and I cannot.

So, I am reminded, I am called to be a messenger of the Lord, His voice in my world. My life should be lived as an outward reflection of His work in my heart. And is it? Well, I'm hoping it will be a more intentional pursuit of that kind of life this year as I embrace the path I AM on, and not pine for the path that I'm not.