Recent Life Additions

It's been awhile and what a scary place to leave folks hanging. So, of late, things are moving and shifting and changing, much is questioned and less is realized. I'm doing better, but there is still a great tendency towards running and just wanting to be left alone. I'm sure I'll like people again one day :) Seriously though, the desire to just push people out of my life is indeed a felt struggle right now. I think I'm trying to be invisible again and relieve people from what I feel is their duty to love me and support me. Like I'm saying, "I know, I'm really difficult, you don't have to stay. I want you to live a good life, let me go." So what does that say? Not sure...

On a wholly unrelated topic, I have become an avid fan of the show Prison Break. Whoa! That's all I gotta say (PB fans, you know what I'm saying wink wink). Great show, but I am also realizing that there are a lot of words connected to being a fan of anything. Fan-atic. Fan-tastic. Fan-tasize. Fan-fare.... I could go on, but I think we can see the emotional roller coaster being a fan of anything can be. Right now, I just finished the last season and am eagerly awaiting the next along with a large group of my closest friends. The hilarious thing is a month ago I got annoyed when people would talk about this show and now I have turned into them... I won't get into it, but know I am fully aware of my hypocrisy. But my question is this - at what point does healthy enjoyment cross over to obsession? I don't have an answer for that, I don't THINK I'm at that point but it's good food for thought. So that's the update for now.

Sick Cycle Carousel

Here we go again. So reminiscent of the time years ago when I said, "My way!" The human desires lurk around the edges of my mind, invading my consciousness and birthing unquenchable thirst for what I cannot have. Temptation is not new to me, but this - this I cannot ignore and place in the palm of God as He would have me do. I cannot expose this. I cannot pray through this. In fact, I cannot even say I do not want it. Instead, I covet the thoughts and feed on the feelings. I turn away from what I know to be good and embrace what is sick and deluded. In it all though, my greatest fear and source of hopelessness is that I want this more than God right now. In honesty, I say that. And let's be real for once in our lives, we have all been here - where something, anything seems better than what He would have for us at this moment. But how do you remember His goodness in the midst of this?

"I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living! Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!"
~Psalm 27:13-14 (ESV)