Letting go

Do you make soundtracks? Maybe specific playlists for specific purposes? I made a new playlist tonight. Let go... That's the title of my new playlist. And it's a kind of sad playlist, but it's good. After last weekend's realization that I must die that I might live for God, I am aware of how much of me exists in my daily thought life and life in general. Now, I'm not getting rid of my identity or who I was created to be, but I am trying to watch what I feed on to bring me that identity. Am I truly pursuing God in order to be developed into what he wants, or do I pursue what I want to be? The "ideal" me?

Tonight, it's my single state that has me writing. There is so much of me in my pursuit of "love". And I am not really pursuing in the chasing men sense of the word. It's really a thought life geared towards being half of a couple like everyone else (or so it seems to anyone who struggles with this). As I was listening to my soundtrack I understand that this is my desire, not His. Will He eventually bring someone? Honestly, I don't think so. To be fair, that may be my pessimistic idea that I'm unwanted which probably stretches back to my relationship with my father, but for the purpose of this blog I'll explain my thoughts. When I look at this area of my life, there is only pain and bondage and despair. There is no joy in my life connected to men. None. In the case of friends, yes-there's joy. But not in the romantic sense of it. Which leads me to conclude that maybe I want something that I can never attain. I want it but God knows I'm not designed for it and thus find no pleasure in it. Does that make sense?

This idea means a change for me. I actually embrace change. Change brings hope. Hope brings life and new dreams. I desperately need new dreams....