Beauty in Broken Vessels

It's been awhile since I've blogged positively, and for that I'm sorry. I'm doing much better than I have been lately. Things are settling and more importantly, I am finding my soul settling back into the arms of God again. But, this wilderness time has grown me so I cannot say I do not appreciate the time.
Yesterday I was attending a church I really enjoy. I have been asking the Lord to bring me a peace somewhere, anywhere, that He would want for me to attend. And last week, during a worship set, I felt that overwhelming and beautiful sense of peace, just peace like being home. So, I guess that could be it - but to be sure, I have continued asking for more "signs" if you will of this being the church. And so we come to yesterday and the purpose of this blog.
I love to worship through music. Sometimes words aren't even necessary, but most of the time I find myself echoing the words of songs in my heart, my spirit. And it's just so calming. I see why people like meditation, and really this is a form of that. Ps 19 asks that the meditations of my heart be pleasing so I'm okay with saying that :) Anyway, so in the midst of worship I was granted a snapshot of the condition of my heart. And it was devastating. The words that struck me so much from the song were things like God being on His throne and His unfailing love. In addition to that, a verse was shared that also shaped this revelation:

If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land. ~ 2 Chronicles 7:14

What position was I in? Knelt down bowing before my God, pleading for His will? No, I was standing proudly, bargaining for grace with a God who is holy beyond comprehension. I found myself complacent and disillusioned with who God is, truly is, and who I am. I've heard it again and again that this life is about God's will, not my own. I've taught on it!! But, yesterday I was hit with the hypocrisy of the life I was living with the life I was offered. God is great. Not just good and pleasant and loving kind of great, but great in majesty, holiness, power, kingship, etc... He is great! And I am a broken human, hardly worthy of His grace and salvation - but He extends it wholeheartedly. Because He loves me, dearly. He chose me. He reached into the mud to pull me out of my sin and bondage to give me a life of freedom and joy. And I keep running back to the mud or challenge Him. Yesterday, I faced this piece of my heart and I'd like to say I changed my ways, but it's a slow process of making an internal realization an external reality. This has floored me to be sure. I look at my use of time, money and strength and see only me. Where have I put God? Where have I allowed room for Him to move and work and shape? I've put Him in a room, a designated space where it's safe to keep Him. And I've allowed that space to get smaller and smaller until I can barely say He holds any part of my heart. But as we know, when we bring these things to light, we expose the darkness. And in that truth, there is freedom. We are not bound by our sin anymore. We are free to worship! So, today, this moment, I choose worship and joy and God - above me, anything of me.

Is there hope?

Not today it seems. Just a weird day today. I joined one of those online dating things and it's not bad, but it's not really great either. I'm faced with an honest look at who I am in yet another facet of my life. This being my appeal to the opposite sex. And what I think I've determined is that I just am not what guys are looking for. Which is ok. Dating and marriage aren't in the cards for everyone, you know. I know, I know, I've said it before. But today, there's a sad peace in knowing it could very well just be my fate. I mean, if it's just not the plan, then it's not that I've failed at anything or that I'm unattractive or any of that. It just means it's not the plan for me. And I guess I'm ok with that, or I'll have to be. There is so much more to life than this little "problem". So, as usual, I need some action steps. The first, ride out the membership to the site until I can close it I guess. Next, keep the end in mind. I'm reminded of the scriptures I read about waiting on the Lord and striving hard for the goal without disqualifying yourself, etc... And I remember that I should have joy simply in being chosen by God. And thanks to a great friend, I am reminded also that it's God who gives that joy, not anything in this world. So, Spirit, come and heal and restore that I may experience joy again. That's all I can hope for.

Chaos Personified

I've never been so stressed out in my life. It kinda feels like I am walking down an icy street in high heels while carrying very expensive china plates and wearing a very expensive dress. You know what's gonna happen. I'm gonna drop the plates, fall on my butt ruining the dress, and probably break a bone. It's not a possibility, it's a definite... And I am just on the edge of the fall right now it feels like. Waiting for everything to crash and burn. Yes, work is a pretty huge part of this, some could be people or friends, and a tiny sliver my impending fear that no man will ever love me. But put all of that together, and you have a disaster waiting to happen... New Found Glory has this song entitled "Failure's Not Flattering", and I feel like the first verse is really me these days.:

what's your problem
can't you see it
and you go and blow it
like everyone knows you will

Am I really a failure? Am I really seen as such? The song goes on to say "Why don't you get it together now? Failure's not flattering." And I can't help but wonder why I can't get it together. I can only hope that things get better some day soon, preferably before I crash and burn myself... which does seem imminent at this point...