Whatever it looks like, whatever it feels like

It's a breaking day. Breaking days are... good, sort of. Good in a painful way. Like when you clean out a wound and it stings like heck, but you know you needed to do it. Today is really a continuation of yesterday for me. Which is generally how consecutive weekdays go I guess. As Friday it's a great day to realize the week is almost over and there's this feeling of trying to get it all done before the day is over so the weekend can be truly free. I'll be working tomorrow anyway, but here's the story:

My job is difficult, it's multi-faceted, tedious at times, definitely requires all brainpower I possess. And yesterday I had a conference call that really shot down whatever confidence I had in myself to do this job. The nice lady basically tells that I should be further along on a particular project than I am which threw me into crisis mode. I'm not doing well enough, I can't do this! I am completely unprepared for this kind of job!! Add to that losing my phone, stupid emails, endless ministry and a cold - you pretty much have a walking sack of tears and whining. So, this is where I am today...

After talking with my beautiful mentor, we decided I needed to spend some time with the Lord and we closed my door and she left me to it. Starting off with a wonderful Misty Edwards song I began to just unload. As I sat on my prayer dock in my mind, I began throwing these things out into the water, one by one. And they just kept coming up and I just kept throwing. Projects, grants, jobs, law school, men, church, on and on they kept coming up. And finally, I felt like I had thrown my whole life in and I was just standing there bare and broken and a little bruised from it all. And as I stood there, this line came on in the song "I am Yours, whatever it looks like, whatever it feels like..." And I realized (again!!) that God loved me without any achievement, without any merits, without anything. He loved just as I stood there heaving everything away and all He wanted from me was to seek Him. He was the one who will change me and grow me, He will direct my paths if I choose to acknowledge Him, He will carry these burdens for me. And more than everything, He loves this little girl who keeps trying to live her life by her standards and He will gladly reach down and strip away all the ropes she binds around herself to keep from truly enjoying the life He's given her.

So, rope-free as I am now, I want to go forward today with a renewed sense of simple. A joy in just being me. An ever-growing love for my Abba Daddy, who walks with me today and every day. Sometimes, He even has to carry me for awhile, but He'll be there to do it if that's what it takes to keep me moving in His direction...

Why Law?

As I walked today (see my new blog The Skeptical Psuedolete for details), I was struck by a pretty deep thought. Do I REALLY want to go to law school? Why do I want to? Granted, I am reading the book "One L" which describes one guy's first year in law school at Harvard and it sounds pretty intense. But what keeps coming up in my mind is how it seems all the people he is meeting in his section are so brilliant and had good grades and were so successful. And I remember that I got a measly 23 on ACT and a 3.2 undergraduate GPA. Not to mention my intimidation of discussions with people I know to be smarter than me. Can I truly make up for all of that with more studying and hard work? Can I maintain the pace? Why am I even doing this?!?

So, I figured I needed to lay out my own case and what better place than my blog, right? So here are my points in order of importance to me and my desire to be a lawyer:

1. Knowledge

I love learning. i love reading. I love writing. I simply love having knowledge and processing and thinking really. You've seen my thoughts laid out here from time to time and you know it's how I process the ideas in my head. I just love knowing stuff to help me process because then I will have a fuller understanding of the implications of my decisions.

2. Advocacy

I am articulate and relatively intelligent I believe. I know for a fact that I can probably say what you are thinking or feeling better than you can. Sounds kind of haughty and conceited, but it's probably true. And I mean that in a nice way of course... So, I understand and see things from someone else's perspective and give voice to what is going on. As a grantwriter I have had plenty of experience writing to specific audiences and goals for funding. I understand how to manipulate words and ideas to meet criteria and really show off the vision of programs we are trying to get funded. it may sound slightly like I'm catering, and I am, but there's just a drive to get the message out. And I love the idea that I could be an advocate for someone who may not be able to speak clearly for themselves. Or at least aid in their understanding of the fuller picture beyond their world so they can see what is truly at stake. I got a smile in my heart just writing that...

3. The Title of "Lawyer"

I am not good at accomplishing goals I set for myself. I try, but it just never quite gets done. Whether a diet or a reading plan or daily devotions, I just never stay on track and end up falling off the program. My dad calls me a quitter, but I know somewhere deep inside this weak flesh, there's a winner waiting to emerge!! (Could that sound any cornier?) I ask myself, if law is my dream, why not pursue it? Not to mention, Dad can't really call me a quitter if I have the title, now can he?

So, overall, there are many factors that contribute to my thinking of late about this profession. Whether my age creeping up to that 30 mark, my love for the job I currently have, or just the drive to actually be what I want to be for once in my life. So many things play a part and shape my desire to be a lawyer. So, that all being said, let's hope this blog will be inspiring to me in a couple years when I'm wading through cases and contracts, endless reading and what I'm beginning to fear most, the Socratic method of teaching...