Why not?

I feel so defiant when I say that. Why not? Well, obviously anytime you are posing that question, there's probably a few good reasons why not... In today's case, it's probably because, well - it's me. And this doesn't happen to me. Or for me.

I saw a movie tonight that rocked me a bit. While the gist of the movie is romance, it ends in heartache and a sense of single girl power. Which rocks since I am a single girl and truly don't think I'm lacking anything in the absence of the almighty relationship - though I still seem to hinge all joy on this, don't I? Hmm, riiight. Let's suspend this for a moment while I digest. The movie did something in my heart. It stirred something I've let remain dormant for a time. A real passion with actual dreams and hopes. My dream of writing a novel. I decided to quit pouring out all this emotion and energy into a wishing prayer and instead focus it on a tangible dream. Whoo-hoo! Go me!! So, I am starting my great novel but I can't tell you about it cuz then I'll lose it. I don't know why, but that's what happens every time I tell people.

So whatever does this have to do with why not? Well, in conjunction with this renewed sense of empowered singleness, a friend blogged this evening as well. And unfortunately it totally ruined it all. See, this friend is actually pretty great and in my view pretty much what I'd ever want. And he's also pretty much unaware I exist. How do you tell someone they need to give you a chance without looking like a completely desperate woman? I'm really not, but he's practically my Mr. Perfect (I do hate the connotation that anyone is perfect, but I trust you understand my idea here). See the blog spoke of despair and loneliness and maybe a touch of bitterness and anger at singleness. So, here it comes, why not me?!? And therein lies the fact that it'd be ridiculous for me to believe that something like that could actually occur in my life. For whatever reason, Cupid really hates me. Well, regardless of whether it's me or not, it's ruined my inspired mood and for that I'm very very angry friend. I hope you read this and realize you're an idiot cuz I'm amazing. And for everyone who is not that guy, I am sorry but you should realize by now that I emote on everything here and I actually love that I do. Life should be a journey and it's way more fun to be able to read back and see the winding path it usually takes. So thanks for reading again and always...

You bring me joy!

I title this as such in order to convince myself of this. It's true, God does bring me joy. He restores and renews and strengthens. He is my refuge, my rock. And yet, this world wins sometimes, y'know? Today, the world's winning the fight for my joy. I've been insanely busy at work and not just stuff. It's like brain powered stuff. Writing, designing, configuring, statistics, etc... And there is absolutely no end in sight until the middle of 2008. My brain is done.

And in the midst of all of this chaos, all my heart longs for is someone to come home to and say to me, "No matter what happened today, I love you. Let's watch a movie and have popcorn." And then snuggle and fall asleep content because I know someone is supporting me, someone cares that I'm hurt and bleeding on the inside. Someone sees me as I am, not what I seem like. And yet, the words of coworker come back to me today. "Cass, maybe you need to understand that marriage and kids isn't God's plan for you. If it is, it'll happen on His timetable." But the more I dwell in it, the more I do understand painfully that the statement is so very true. Maybe He does desire singleness for me. But, what about the movie? And the popcorn?? I can't do my life without that kind of support. So, Lord-be my joy, my strength and my refuge once again. If you're leading me to it, you'll bring me through it. In humility and brokenness, I must reclaim my joy and my passion for Him alone. This world can't win every day :)

Life is better when lived

27's been pretty interesting... I never seem to have enough time for, well anything. I work an awful lot and the time I do have off I fill up pretty quickly with everything I should have been doing while working. This weekend was great though. I pretty much slacked off and watched Matt Damon. yes, all three Jason Bourne movies, one day. It was amazing. But more than anything, lately I've been seeing myself in a new way. Now, most humans are selfish by nature, but lately I've really noticed just how much I tend to assume life will go according to my plan. And as I now have a roommate who expects this even more so (and usually had a better plan to begin with) I realize just how much I need to learn to be humble and let God move outside my boundaries and safe zones.

One safe zone is my life, which sounds really broad I know. But, the plan of my life. My job, my relationship status, everything. the fact that I am 27!!! I feel old, seriously!! Everyone around me tries to say I'm not or that this or that will happen in time... blah, blah, blah. They're like 22 and don't realize that life starts to fall apart at the age of 25. Okay, that might be exaggerating. But what I'm talking about is letting all of those fears that I will have unfulfilled dreams. Psalm 84:11b has been an anchor for this: "God does not withhold any good thing from those who walk uprightly." Right now, there is nothing outside my life that I should have, that God deems good. And let's face it, if it's not God, I don't think it's good. Do I really want a relationship outside of God's provision? No, because it wouldn't be a part of the fairytale He has for me.

Fairytales, there's another great subject. Who in the world thought it was a good idea to make men seem like "knights in shining armor"? I say this not because I'm cynical, but because it really makes me mad when people compare real life people to their fairytale counterparts. You know you've done it. Sound familiar - "Hmm, I sure hope he knows daisies are my favorite and then we'll go to dinner and gaze at each other and then we'll ride off into the park on white horse and..." Yes, we all fantasize like this or worse! And while we realize that no man (or woman) can live up to our fantasy, there is always a residual image left in our minds when we hear about or see these images of perceived perfection. For women, it's chick flicks and romance novels, men probably porn. Whatever it is we treat it so casually when it's ruining our hearts. Well, I suppose I am really speaking to myself, I don't like to generalize and just assume everyone else struggles with this.

So, anyway. back to 27. I dyed my hair tonight. Thought I'd spruce up the brown hair with a couple highlights. I look kind of like a bird accidentally pooped caramel sauce on my head. It's not good. So, when I say I'm learning humility - beauty gone, next!! :) It's really kinda making me laugh though, so it's good.

I need to get into the habit of writing more. Maybe 27 will be the year I start my big novel. Hmmm, we'll just have to see I guess.