Bitter Roots

Lately I have struggled with bitterness forming in my heart towards a particular coworker and it just doesn't get better. And today something happened yet again to just further the growth of this cancerous root of bitterness. Seriously, it's infecting every part of me. And it dawned on me that I can't remove this. I'm weak and needy, poor and lowly. I can't do what my God can do. And I need to fall on Him as the strength of my heart and portion forever. Humility, it comes in a flash.

An area I really see this terrible root growing is in singleness. As I drove to work today I was thinking of my current situation and I thought to myself, "Why would I want to love or lean on a man when I know they'll fail me anyway. I should simply love the Lord and remember that He ALONE is my refuge, my place of safety. A man cannot be that, ever." Yes, there is so much truth and joy and passion in those statements. And yes they are true of my heart and my thoughts. But even in this, I saw this strain of bitterness. Do you see it? Cynical, critical, judgmental, unforgiving... I could go on, but all these things are so far from where the Lord wants my heart to be and yet, I mask them with this seemingly "spiritual" statement that God is my portion forever. Lord-break me and shape me and destroy what I've created in me because I just don't have the heart to do it nor the strength. May I be YOUR Creation, not my own...

Resting

The single saga continues....

I was writing to a friend of mine today on unanswered prayer and how we oftentimes forget that God does in fact know who we are and what stirs our heart. I have often written on my dissatisfaction with the single life for various reasons and today is really no different. Only, today I am not dissatisfied as much as I am discouraged in my own attitude toward this time of growth and outpouring of blessing. In this email with my friend, who is married (you know who you are), I was relaying how I find rest in the shadow of God's wing. In a relationship, a couple spends a great deal of time cuddling and snuggling, so I've been told. And from past experience of my own I know that there is nothing better than a night in watching movies on the couch. Generally Mr. Wonderful will put his arm around his date and she'll instinctively turn into his side. It's a comforting place to be. You're at peace, you're warm, and you're hoping he wears Old Spice deodorant. But more than all of that, you know that within that embrace, you are safe with this person. Ah, I long for that embrace with all my heart! But, here's the beautiful thing. Just like I long to snuggle with my husband someday, I know I can snuggle with my God today and eternally. I read Psalm 36:7 and remember this is a picture of the Lord embracing me:

"How precious is your steadfast love, O God!
The children of mankind take refuge in the shadow of your wings."

To be in the shadow of His wing. Pulled close to His side. Held tight in His arms. Where else would I want to be? The Lord fulfills my greatest need in the cross for my eternity. He continues to supply my needs daily in His presence and in His word. Psalm 91 says it best (the Lord speaking):

"Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him;
I will protect him, because he knows my name.
When he calls to me, I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will rescue him and honor him.
With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation."
Psalm 91:14-16

So, today I rest in His shadow, under His wings, and wait for His timing. There are many things I could speculate and pursue and even cherish, but I will rest at His side today. May we be people of rest and patience....

Oh life, why so tiring?

I am absolutely dead tired. And not just like, "Ooh, I didn't sleep enough" kind of tired, but weary to the bones, ready to cry, falling apart tired. I can't quite describe it. I suppose it could be working far too much. If I add up the hours of work I've done this week, the total is 59 hours. Along with two Bible Studies and a wedding.

I'm getting old, I realize. I know people would say I'm still young at the age of 26, but when I see my friends and I see the lives around me, I realize I'm not living like a young person. I work all the time and I never really let myself have fun and I really don't see myself changing that. I actually kind of prefer it that way. What's wrong with this picture?!? My work never really lets me down cuz it's only as good as I make it. People, people though, they're far more unpredictable and they can hurt you far more.

I guess it comes down to that. I don't want to get hurt. I want to live in my little world and do what I need to do to survive and not worry about anyone else. I'm moving in with a couple friends in under two months, so some of this will have to change. I wish I could say I was as excited about moving as everyone else seems to be, but I'm losing out on a lot of freedoms. One being nights like tonight where I just want to wallow in the disappointment my life has been. With people around, I'm forced to deal with it and move forward. Well, at least I can have tonight I guess. So, back to work... even though it's 2:05 am and I need to be up at 6...