Redeemed

I had a busy week/month. Wow. As it nears the end of March I am looking back to see what happened in my life this month. Well, I don't have all day so I'll cut to the chase. Love.

Love happened to me. True love. Holy love. Redemptive love. Love for others. Love for God. Love for me. Love, love, love.... What a lovely thing.

I can honestly and truly say I am more content today than I have ever been. True contentment is not getting what you want but understanding how much you already have. Okay-I stole that from a Joshua Harris video but it's true. Another quote: Believe that God is not withholding any good thing from you that you should have. Think about that for a moment. I have EVERYTHING I need right now. By God's hand and plan. Wow.

The love part comes in when I look at the things I've seen happen this month. IHOP was great and I learned a lot about growing the roots of God's love deep into my heart. I love it when I tell people this cuz my voice makes this sound like a grunt to emphasize the word "deep" and my fingers push down to demonstrate the roots pushing down into the soil. Funny, I didn't realize I was doing that until I just typed it and tried to do it at the same time. :) I've learned about love in guy stuff as always. God will love me far beyond this world and this time. Why would I want to seek anything less than His love? Love has shown up in preparations for youth ministry stuff too as I see God use me in the lives of students. But the clincher comes in a story of a man called by God to marry a prostitute...

Hosea and Gomer. I absolutely love this story because it is such a powerful picture of God's love. So Hosea is a prophet and God tells him to marry a prostitute as an illustration of God's love for Israel, the ever wavering nation He has chosen for Himself. But what I am struck by is the imagery of the marriage relationship we enter into as believers of Jesus Christ. When we trust in Him as Savior and begin that relationship we are entering into a covenant relationship that is not meant to be taken so lightly! I am so flippant with my relationship to God. I sin and I pray for forgiveness and move along. Almost no retribution or remorse. He's a forgiving God right? But I don't look at the heartbreak and pain it truly does cause. In the story of Hosea we see him running after Gomer, buying her back with everything he has, loving her unconditionally. Don't you just want to say "Stop! Let her go, she's never gonna be faithful. She's not worth it." We want to say that because we see her problem and she's not willing to change. She's not even understanding why Hosea would keep coming after her. She doesn't deserve a man like him. What does she deserve? We think she deserves the lifestyle she's chosen for herself. Admit it, we often see people and their "issues" and say they made their own grave now they must lie in it. It's cold and heartless but we think it. Or I do anyway.

But remember this story is an illustration of God and Israel (read: believers/followers of God). Instead of rejecting Gomer and leaving her Hosea continues to buy her back and love her. In the same way, God chooses not to reject us but redeem us. And He does so with the blood of Jesus, the ultimate price. God wants to be in relationship with us so much He paid the price in His Son. Yet, I am constantly whoring myself out to other things. And He brings me back and loves me again... Oh God, why do you love me like this?

The Lord says,
“Then I will heal you of your faithlessness;
my love will know no bounds,
for my anger will be gone forever.
I will be to Israel
like a refreshing dew from heaven.
Israel will blossom like the lily;
it will send roots deep into the soil
like the cedars in Lebanon.
Its branches will spread out like beautiful olive trees,
as fragrant as the cedars of Lebanon.
My people will again live under my shade.
They will flourish like grain and blossom like grapevines.
They will be as fragrant as the wines of Lebanon.

“O Israel, stay away from idols!
I am the one who answers your prayers and cares for you.
I am like a tree that is always green;
all your fruit comes from me.”

-Hosea 14:4-8 (NLT)

Life After Retreat

I am home from my retreat/conference in Kansas City. There's always a struggle when you get home from these kinda of things. You learn so much and God opens your heart to what you need to incorporate into your DAILY life. It's the daily part that gets me. Let's look at this week...
I was really impacted by a couple of things from the Passion for Jesus conference. One was my inability to love well. Whether it's loving God, others or even myself. I do not love well because I just assume everything will be taken away from me. Which, to be honest, it will, right? Someday we'll be in eternity (if you know Jesus as Savior) and all of this temporary crap will be gone. Although, there is something to be said for relationships that will stretch into eternity. However, I assume it/they will be gone so why hold them tight. I really see this as a good thing. My focus and purpose is on heavenly things and I do not hold onto that which will remain here. This makes it hard for me to love thoroughly though. For example-someday (God willing!) I want to get married. but if this trend continues, will I hold my spouse so loosely? What about my kids? Is it good or bad to do this?!? I don't know, but I know God wants me to love with His heart for people.
Second thing was time in the Word. Spending time understanding God's heart through His word and getting to know His Son Jesus through the Word. Already this week, I've missed a day and I haven't done today's study yet either. Not a good track record...

So how do we do it? Bring our hearts full back with us to our daily lives? I think we just set our focus on it. I make many choices in my day that I claim I couldn't help, but really-with a bit of willpower and strength-I can do anything through Christ who strengthens me. So-I press on toward the goal and hope that God is doing a work to change me and shape me into the creature He intended when He formed me.

Letting go

Do you make soundtracks? Maybe specific playlists for specific purposes? I made a new playlist tonight. Let go... That's the title of my new playlist. And it's a kind of sad playlist, but it's good. After last weekend's realization that I must die that I might live for God, I am aware of how much of me exists in my daily thought life and life in general. Now, I'm not getting rid of my identity or who I was created to be, but I am trying to watch what I feed on to bring me that identity. Am I truly pursuing God in order to be developed into what he wants, or do I pursue what I want to be? The "ideal" me?

Tonight, it's my single state that has me writing. There is so much of me in my pursuit of "love". And I am not really pursuing in the chasing men sense of the word. It's really a thought life geared towards being half of a couple like everyone else (or so it seems to anyone who struggles with this). As I was listening to my soundtrack I understand that this is my desire, not His. Will He eventually bring someone? Honestly, I don't think so. To be fair, that may be my pessimistic idea that I'm unwanted which probably stretches back to my relationship with my father, but for the purpose of this blog I'll explain my thoughts. When I look at this area of my life, there is only pain and bondage and despair. There is no joy in my life connected to men. None. In the case of friends, yes-there's joy. But not in the romantic sense of it. Which leads me to conclude that maybe I want something that I can never attain. I want it but God knows I'm not designed for it and thus find no pleasure in it. Does that make sense?

This idea means a change for me. I actually embrace change. Change brings hope. Hope brings life and new dreams. I desperately need new dreams....

It's a lot like Christmas

Knowing people read this blog occasionally actually keeps me aware of what I write, but today it's all heart. I struggle with "daydreaming" we'll call it for lack of a better term. Whether it's what it would be like to be a writer for a profession or a photographer or married-I dream about it. Or I did. I realized about two weeks ago this was a problem for me. I was living in my own world of what could happen instead of God's appointed world in which I am living. So, a friend and I have been keeping me accountable to guard my heart and thoughts. And I fell off the wagon a little last night.

Now, do not get me wrong, these are relatively innocent thoughts. I don't struggle terribly with sexual lust, at least not anymore. They are more of a coveting lust. And the fact that I do this actually plays right into how I'm designed as an organized (sometimes freakishly so) Type A person. If I can control the dream, I can control the outcome and thus my life. This past weekend God had a word for me about this whole cycle of processing and controlling and failing and starting again. The word was "DIE". Die to yourself. You know you can't be perfect or cause anyone else to be either. Let Me shape you, refine you, define you. Let Me "fix" you. I can grow in you everything I want you to be. Stop putting up walls and quit making 7-step programs for yourself. Just die to you, and live for Me.

Such a good word. And that plays into my next realization. I was commenting to someone about how we anticipate good things when we see what we really want. I mentioned it's like Christmas. You know what you want, and it looks like the boxes are about the right size, but the true joy comes in ripping the wrapping paper off and finally coming face to face with your desire. It's yours finally!! And we can begin appreciating what we wanted fully. But, I see in my life that I too quickly substitute what I truly want (i.e.-Godly man/husband, artistic yet communicative job, chocolate) with what I see available instead (daydreams, legal job, coffee with creamer). If I would just wait in anticipation for what I know I want, and let God move me towards it-wouldn't I be that much more excited about it? Why do I simply lie down and take what I can get instead of fighting for what I want?

Now-I am not literally fighting for these things (though maybe for the chocolate). I am fighting my own heart in a sense though. By stopping the coveting and the compromise and the general dissatisfaction in my spirit I am fighting for the joy God extends to me as a result of my relationship with Him. It wouldn't be a Cass blog without a scripture right?

“Now I am coming to you. I told them many things while I was with them in this world so they would be filled with my joy. I have given them your word. And the world hates them because they do not belong to the world, just as I do not belong to the world. I’m not asking you to take them out of the world, but to keep them safe from the evil one. They do not belong to this world any more than I do. Make them holy by your truth; teach them your word, which is truth. Just as you sent me into the world, I am sending them into the world. And I give myself as a holy sacrifice for them so they can be made holy by your truth. I am praying not only for these disciples but also for all who will ever believe in me through their message.

~John 17:13-20

May we fight the good fight for our joy friends...