Why not?

I feel so defiant when I say that. Why not? Well, obviously anytime you are posing that question, there's probably a few good reasons why not... In today's case, it's probably because, well - it's me. And this doesn't happen to me. Or for me.

I saw a movie tonight that rocked me a bit. While the gist of the movie is romance, it ends in heartache and a sense of single girl power. Which rocks since I am a single girl and truly don't think I'm lacking anything in the absence of the almighty relationship - though I still seem to hinge all joy on this, don't I? Hmm, riiight. Let's suspend this for a moment while I digest. The movie did something in my heart. It stirred something I've let remain dormant for a time. A real passion with actual dreams and hopes. My dream of writing a novel. I decided to quit pouring out all this emotion and energy into a wishing prayer and instead focus it on a tangible dream. Whoo-hoo! Go me!! So, I am starting my great novel but I can't tell you about it cuz then I'll lose it. I don't know why, but that's what happens every time I tell people.

So whatever does this have to do with why not? Well, in conjunction with this renewed sense of empowered singleness, a friend blogged this evening as well. And unfortunately it totally ruined it all. See, this friend is actually pretty great and in my view pretty much what I'd ever want. And he's also pretty much unaware I exist. How do you tell someone they need to give you a chance without looking like a completely desperate woman? I'm really not, but he's practically my Mr. Perfect (I do hate the connotation that anyone is perfect, but I trust you understand my idea here). See the blog spoke of despair and loneliness and maybe a touch of bitterness and anger at singleness. So, here it comes, why not me?!? And therein lies the fact that it'd be ridiculous for me to believe that something like that could actually occur in my life. For whatever reason, Cupid really hates me. Well, regardless of whether it's me or not, it's ruined my inspired mood and for that I'm very very angry friend. I hope you read this and realize you're an idiot cuz I'm amazing. And for everyone who is not that guy, I am sorry but you should realize by now that I emote on everything here and I actually love that I do. Life should be a journey and it's way more fun to be able to read back and see the winding path it usually takes. So thanks for reading again and always...

You bring me joy!

I title this as such in order to convince myself of this. It's true, God does bring me joy. He restores and renews and strengthens. He is my refuge, my rock. And yet, this world wins sometimes, y'know? Today, the world's winning the fight for my joy. I've been insanely busy at work and not just stuff. It's like brain powered stuff. Writing, designing, configuring, statistics, etc... And there is absolutely no end in sight until the middle of 2008. My brain is done.

And in the midst of all of this chaos, all my heart longs for is someone to come home to and say to me, "No matter what happened today, I love you. Let's watch a movie and have popcorn." And then snuggle and fall asleep content because I know someone is supporting me, someone cares that I'm hurt and bleeding on the inside. Someone sees me as I am, not what I seem like. And yet, the words of coworker come back to me today. "Cass, maybe you need to understand that marriage and kids isn't God's plan for you. If it is, it'll happen on His timetable." But the more I dwell in it, the more I do understand painfully that the statement is so very true. Maybe He does desire singleness for me. But, what about the movie? And the popcorn?? I can't do my life without that kind of support. So, Lord-be my joy, my strength and my refuge once again. If you're leading me to it, you'll bring me through it. In humility and brokenness, I must reclaim my joy and my passion for Him alone. This world can't win every day :)