Deeply Rooted (Ye Old Blog of Cassandra)

Oh for the love of rest...

2009-02-24T01:27:00.003-06:00

It's another late night stretch this week. I'm breaking up my evening with a little creative writing that doesn't include the words "Quality Improvement" or "Stakeholders".

I miss reading and sleeping in. I miss Sunday afternoon naps. I really miss not having more to do than what I've gotten done. But it's all coming to a close sooner than I imagined. My replacement starts a week from today and I have a mixed feeling about it all. On the one hand, I am passing on somewhat of a legacy. I mean, I really developed and grew this position and I am preparing to pass it off. I am so thankful for the growth and the knowledge I've gained, but I know I'm done. I couldn't stay much longer running with this. It's time to move along and I think she will do just fine.

On the other hand, I have no job yet and no home and no idea where to begin without one or the other. And yet, the lack of plans is somewhat good. I mean, I've seen God moving and opening and shuffling to make this move happen, so I know He's got the job just waiting for me and the home to go with it. I'm really excited for that idea of home. My own home again - where I can nap and read in the living room and watch Lord of the Rings all weekend if I want :) I know, I'm kind of a geek like that, but I miss it! So there is much to look forward to... I just need to continue the abiding and seeking Him as I wait.

There are a few more hours in this day that I can squeeze some life out of so I should get back. But there's a random little update for you all. Really, it's just a test to see how well I incorporate blogging into my new obsession of Twitter. A much less time consuming, practically non-invasive obsession though. Because no, I am not rejoining facebook. :)

Life After facebook - Living Authentically

2009-02-20T13:06:00.004-06:00

After my last post I started to ask myself some questions. How do I connect authentically? What allows me to disconnect? How can I be more intentional in relationships with people, not their profiles? So, I deleted facebook.

Yes, drastic, I know. I went through some initial withdrawal which I then appeased by starting up my Twitter account again. So come twitter with me - CassandraLeighW. Or, not, it's ok. But the big thing for this blog is announcing the FREEDOM I have this week! It's freeing to not worry about what they said to them or what party I'm going to be invited to but decline cuz I don't really like that group. I am off the radar and have enjoyed it! I'm no longer inundated with stories of others relationships, kids, work stress via their facebook status or notes. I don't know 25 things about 200 people whom I can't think of one single memory I've made with them in person. It's wonderful. And yet, there are some residual fears that those who connect with me ONLY through facebook will somehow forget I exist. But maybe that's ok. Or maybe they'll follow my Twitter.

Uh oh - It's not you, it's me!!

2009-02-13T09:43:00.002-06:00

So I'm browsing along this morning and happen upon some emails which leads to a website which leads to articles which of course is my primary source of procrastination material. And as I read along in this article concerning facebook I read the following:

“Do you think that people who do a lot of online networking become that much less able to relate to people in a way that leaves room for inklings about people rather than making decisions based on profiles which are essentially ingredients listings?”

Um, oh... Yeah. That's me. I confess, I am a pigeonholer. I read a profile, check out the music and movies, and decide what this person is probably like. I admit it, I see my facebook friends as a list of ingredients that make up the whole rather than knowing them. I myself attempt to portray myself as kinda punk, hip and indie with the things I list on my profile and status. So, what is the solution? How do I undo years and years of cyber-knowing people and getting to know them for real? Does emailing count? I mean I've had a couple of people I would count among my good friends that I have primarily a cyber-friendship with. But at the end of the day, I guess the truth is I do enjoy the personal interactions and expressions that come only from truly knowing people. And I do see how I've become awkward and uncertain of myself when it comes to meeting people I've developed a relationship with primarily on the Internet. And I definitely see how I feel like a close friend or have a false intimacy with people solely based on knowing a bunch of random facts about them as this article discusses. And I am guilty too of trying to win people but asking that they know more about me. Heck, I'm blogging right now, aren't I? I don't think I'll stop blogging anytime soon since this is my form of therapy but I might go clean out my facebook profile. If you read this, please - I welcome your thoughts. Interact with me, discuss with me, be more than a just a random reader engaging only with my sporadic thought processes :)

The Idea of Lonesome

2009-02-09T10:03:00.003-06:00

It's kinda dreary today, in my outer world and within. It's usually these kind of entries I look back and remember where I've been. Particularly this week as yet another Valentine's Day approaches. I'm tired of the pity party, self-loathing cycle and yet it comes with a vengeance yet again this year. I know in my heart that God is good and He does not withhold any good thing from those who walk uprightly. But it feels pretty unfair on this side of things and not so good either. So what does it look like to walk out a life of faith publicly knowing in your heart it's just kind of an act? I mean, I am so thankful for the blessings that I DO have, friends, my family, ministry, my amazing job and most importantly the love of a faithful God. But at the end of the day, when I'm done playing my parts, there's this dull ache to just be and have someone know me in THAT place, you know? Someone to call home. Someone who isn't going to be gone when life changes but changes with me. But since this eludes me, I'm struggling with how to just walk it out in the path I do know, the one I can see. At what point can I just write these hopes off?

For example, I will never be a missionary in the traditional sense of the word like going to other countries. I may do outreach and be a missionary in my sphere of influence certainly, but I will not be going overseas. Not because I've closed that door and said no but it just isn't a call to my heart. I've been on mission trips and they were amazing - hot, but amazing. I've done evangelism on beaches, on the streets, in my dorm. But at the end of it, I know I'm called to building up the Body and showing people this God we love. I know I won't be a missionary. So I don't worry about it, I let it go and enable others who are called to that path. I also know I am not musically equipped, so I don't worry about it and sing my heart out knowing it's totally killing that choir instructor three rows back. But I don't take lessons and try to be something I'm just not designed for. At what point in my life can I finally say I'm meant to be single and stop hoping for anything more? When can I stop cringing at people holding hands and beautiful little babies? What has to happen for me to just let go of it?

I can already hear certain people in my life starting their comments with "Just give it time...", "You're still young...", and "The right guy will come along..." Yeah, he could. Maybe even sooner than I think as I anticipate moving. But what happens when I inevitably ruin it? Or things go well and we end up married and find out I can't have kids? Or something, anything happens? Will I then just wish for some other situation with all my heart as I do this one? When does it stop? Marriage is not a cure-all. The root of it all is discontentment with where I think God has me, and dating isn't going to change that.

It's such a fine line between discontentment and simply being dissatisfied with what this world has, retaining hope in the eternal. It's so simple to cross that line. One day I can know it's all fleeting and rejoice that I am lovesick and groaning in anticipation of Jesus coming back for me. The next - well this. So, I will just have to lean on knowing this episode will pass and try to keep hope alive.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
Romans 15:13 (ESV)

Mid-Winter Musings

2009-02-04T11:04:00.007-06:00

I am so deliquent in writing. Much has been happening and work as always is beyond my stress threshold. But I cannot contain it anymore, so here we are :)
This past Sunday my friend preached a message and it was great but what I especially enjoyed was the following quote from Susan Wesley:

Take this rule: whatever weakens your reason, impairs the tenderness of your conscience, obscures your sense of God, or takes off your relish of spiritual things; in short, whatever increases the strength and authority of your body over your mind, that thing is sin to you, however innocent it may be in itself.

What I love about this is the simplicity in defining what is sin. I mean, as believers in the cross and purpose of Jesus, all things are permissable, but not necessarily beneficial. Which lets us (or me) feel like I can get away with stuff that isn't "technically" sin. But with this definition in mind, I'm convicted. Whether it be liking that guy a little or watching a PG-13 movie with inappropriate themes. Suddenly, I realize I allow so much complacent sin in my life!!
So what's the take home thought of the day? A renewed sense of awareness in how I process and think and allow my heart to be moved. Is what I'm thinking hardening my heart towards someone or something when I should be tender? Is this vein of conversation validating my fleshly agenda over my spiritual? Simple enough and yet so difficult to ask the questions because I know answering them requires repentance and giving of myself over to God's molding. But what a great feeling knowing that I am designed and shaped and created in His image, for His glory. I am His masterpiece and I am still in progress.

Have you been Twilightized?

2008-12-13T02:38:00.001-06:00

It’s the classic tale of an ordinary, average girl falling for the extraordinarily dazzling bad boy at school. Except this bad boy may want more than a date. Twilight is the story of Isabella Swan and Edward Cullen, a vegetarian vampire. If you haven’t heard about it by now, you may need to check your own pulse.

Before I go any further let me say I have read all the books, seen the movie multiple times, and enjoy both. There is an appealing story to be found in this series. What girl doesn’t want to be cherished, protected, and found beautiful by a man? And the way Twilight is written, any girl can be Bella, the love of Edward’s incredibly long life. But before we get carried away in that alternate reality, let’s remember some key truths about who we are and God’s plans for our own adventures.

Perfectly Created

A large theme found in Twilight is Bella’s desire to become like Edward (a vampire) in order to spend her life with him. I understand the desire to love someone so intensely but what are you giving up to achieve that end? And what is it you gain in the end? To give up who you are, in any shape or form, alters who God formed you to be. Remember that part in the Bible where we are knit together by God in our mother’s womb? He hand-crafted you in a way that is unique to you alone. You are already a personal brand of YOU, an original. By changing who you are (or what), you risk losing what you were made for. We all want a purpose and passion in our life. It’s be pretty boring without one. But God tells us He already knows the plans He has for us, plans for hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). Let’s seek HIM first, not a guy or a story or whatever you’re looking for your story in apart from Him.

Love v Lust

I know, I know. Edward is just in love with Bella, and she him. They HAVE to be that intense and obsessed. I mean, that’s what love is like, right? Actually, no. Love is nothing like that. Lust is though. Lust is defined as an intense longing or craving. Love, on the other hand is a little more difficult to characterize. To know what love looks like, we really need only look at the cross Jesus died on.

“By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers.” ~ 1 John 3:16 (ESV)

Some words to ponder when trying to understand what true love is: selfless or others oriented, sacrificing, pure, redeeming, unconditional, enriching, purpose-driven. Do these apply in Bella and Edward’s relationship? You’ll see a few words you might associate with love are missing. Like over-protective, obsessed, controlling? Love is something you choose. God asks us to love Him freely; He does not force us to choose Him but rather waits for us to. The “love” we see portrayed in Twilight and many romances of our times would have us believe the characters simply fall helplessly in love with no option. And the trick is they cause us to believe that’s how we find love as well. We can fall into lust; love is a choice we make. I don’t think I need to discuss what God has to say about lust.

Parental Authority

I love Charlie. He’s so awkward and clueless about his daughter. Most parents probably are. They remember being a teen but it seems so much different now. Or maybe they just aren’t sure they know what to say or do to best guide you in making the right decisions. But in the end, God has given them charge and authority over their children. He also has some things to say to us children in regards to our parents.

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord..” ~ Ephesians 6:1-4 (ESV)

Bella and Edward do not directly disobey their parents as far as we know, but there is deception aplenty. The fact that Bella is thankful for the fact that her father does not hover alludes to the fact that he also won’t ask questions when she would rather not discuss things. Edward’s constant presence in her room at any time of the day or night would probably be frowned upon if Charlie had known I would think. The blatant dishonesty when they leave for Phoenix after learning James is tracking Bella reflects a clear disregard for Charlie’s opinion on the matter at hand. I know it sounds harsh and the last thing we as children want to hear is “Parents know best”, but the truth is they are adults and have more experience. If you have a believing family, they should be instructing you in the ways of the Lord as Ephesians points out. If not, they are still your parents and have the authority to have a say in your upbringing and there are probably some believing adults in your life that you can trust to guide you biblically. As a teenager, I didn’t have a believing family but I found many adults working with our youth group or in my church that were willing to help me seek God for knowledge and purpose in decisions. Even as an adult, I seek out the advice and wisdom of other adults with more experience than I have.

The point is this: your parents love you and have been charged with protecting and caring for you. By shutting them out or deceiving them, you are in disobedience to what God has called you to as a child. You are also missing out on an opportunity to learn from someone’s success or mistake in a situation that, believe it or not, is probably familiar to them. Besides, do you want to miss the astonished look of surprise when you ask for your parent’s advice on something? To accept that they might well know a thing or two is more a sign of maturity than declaring they know nothing and forging your own path naively. I promise you will trip somewhere along the way, but I would guess your folks will help you pick up the pieces if you ask. But remember, they might also throw in an “I told you so” for good measure.

So, with those thoughts, I’d like to finish up by simply asking a favor of you. As you read the Twilight series or watch the movie, remember that this is simply a story – not a life, not an ideal, not reality. Fiction is meant to expand our minds and fuel our imagination. But it is by no means reality. Edward Cullen is not waiting for you in Biology next year. A boy watching you as you sleep or following you is not romantic. And while you may feel you identify with Bella perfectly, you are NOT Bella. Twilight is a story and is created completely as such. Stories allow characters to be perfect and sparkly, but they are not intended to exist. So, please be aware of what you are reading and remember that as magical as it all seems to be, God has a far more realistic and specifically designed journey in mind for YOU.

“But he knows the way that I take;when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold.My foot has held fast to his steps;I have kept his way and have not turned aside.I have not departed from the commandment of his lips;I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my portion of food.But he is unchangeable, and who can turn him back?What he desires, that he does.For he will complete what he appoints for me, and many such things are in his mind.” ~ Job 23:10-14 (ESV)

The Absence of... something?

2008-12-04T23:18:00.003-06:00

I don't know what the hole is. Or what should be there. But there it is, a slightly gaping abscess within me. It's not a spiritual thing or even a physical thing. No, this just seems to be the absence of something - not quite hope, and not joy. Maybe it's just boredom or a slump. Maybe the beginnings of a full on mental collapse. I'm really not sure. But I can feel it tonight.

If you know me, you've heard my discussion and struggle with the Twilight series and now the movie. I enjoy the books, fully realizing their impossibilities. Not just the vampire fantasy but also the weak attempt at a heroine in Bella Swan and the perfection of Edward Cullen. But I enjoy fantasy and imagining the impossible. I mean, I realize life should be lived and fully support realistic fiction or non-fiction work, but I love diving into a world completely unlike my own. Let's be honest, reality does nothing for the imagination. Well, mine anyway. Especially of late. So this evening I was checking up on blogs and articles and ran across quite a few discussions about Twilight. And they were all very harsh in their commentaries about the movie/books and the unrealistic and unhealthy obsession of many of the fans. Not to mention frequent comments addressing issues like abuse, conformity, and simply the utter helplessness of our heroine Bella. Yes, i see what you are saying, but can't I enjoy something? And here I ask myself - should I really be enjoying these? Is this a conviction thing? In the end of the reasoning though I see that it is just a story to me. One I enjoy reading. Is that bad?

It would seem of late that I'm really not be trusted when it comes to making any kind of decision. Alas at every turn I'm confronted with how others see me and it's not pretty. Am I really so "ugly"? I mean, I feel like I am in a good place for once and all I hear is I shouldn't watch that or that I'm lazy. Can everyone just let up for a second? I cling to the idea that diamonds are created by intense pressure on rocks. I'm just a really pressured rock right now but I'm hoping to turn out as a diamond.

With work stress a constant pressure and home no longer being the refuge it was, I have found myself at a loss for rest. Peace. REM. I have no idea when i last woke up ready for the day and not deadly tired. I just can't seem to stay asleep. Maybe it's this hole I can't figure out...

Pieces

2008-10-21T12:05:00.002-05:00

"I'm here again/A thousand miles away from you/ A broken mess, just scattered pieces of who I am/I tried so hard/Thought I could do this on my own/ I've lost so much along the way" - RED

I'm asking the question "Who Am I?" again. Should we be so fluid and changing in who we are? Should we be so disconnected from what we feel is our true purpose? Can we truly know our purposes? All these ideas and thoughts and flashes of soul seem to be mixing in my heart these days that beg an answer. Who am I and who should I be?

There's a beauty in brokenness to be certain. The utter loss of pride and strength required to be re-fashioned into a more clear replica of an image-bearer of Christ. But the torture of not seeing ahead and knowing what you'll look like in the end can almost override that joy at times. What more can I give up and lose to be more like You?

I'm intrigued and thirsty for the idea of "waiting on the Lord". We move too quickly these days. Always running from one place or person to another and there's never a downtime. Why? Why must we fill our lives to brimming each and every moment? Because we all know we get to a point where we have nothing left to give and we will lose it all. I prefaced all of this with the lyrics form the song "Pieces" by RED because it feels a little like an anthem to me these days. I am in pieces and completely incapable of seeing who I am right now, or even the direction to be heading. But God does see... "I've come undone/ But you make sense of who I am /Like puzzle pieces in your eye." I can't see what the picture will look like but I know I can trust in the One who does. These places of brokenness and humility and uncertainty are beautiful reminders to me that I am not the one who holds it together. I don't have the agenda or the plan. I am simply a piece of His Story and He writes my parts. When I get to this point of holding onto it all so tightly that He doesn't have the room to move as He wants, I should know by now there will be some breaking off of the vines I am growing on my own. "Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me." -John 15:4

So, may we abide in the Lord alone and stop growing our own vines. May we rejoice in His pruning. May we learn to love placing it all in His hands and letting Him do the moving and growing and leading.

Bittersweet Blessings

2008-08-31T21:42:00.002-05:00

It's been a difficult weekend. I'm not helping myself any by watching Felicity non-stop. Seriously, I've watched two and half seasons in as many days. But, here's what I've learned. Sometimes, the things I think I want turn out to be the exact things I couldn't handle. I know, life isn't a young adult drama show, no one gets a script and things don't come through when you need them. There is a little bit about the human condition though, portrayed in this series in particular. Whether it's about loving people or financial crisis or figuring out who you're supposed to be. I'm finding this weekend that I am just about as lost in my own little drama of my own making as Felicity is in her scripted one. With the exception of the Ben/Noel dilemma of course. Which, is kinda the purpose of this blog.
You know, in looking back through prior blogs, I've spent my share of writing on relationships and guys and whether or not I'll ever have one. So, today, I'm just reflecting on how the absence of one can be a bittersweet blessing of sorts. Well, I can watch Felicity for a whole weekend. I can not care that I just ate a whole pint of Ben & Jerry's this weekend because I'm not staying beautiful for anyone. I can sleep sideways if I want. I can waste my time dreaming of law school and studying as if I can actually take the LSAT. I can move anywhere I want (in theory)... In reality, the list can go on, but not one of those things is the best case scenario for what my heart aches and longs for. The closest I can come to achieving my dreams is working towards being a lawyer. And it's only because it is the one thing in my life I can control. I can't pray enough to get what I want. I can't be good enough, or beautiful enough, or even smart enough. But I can try. Try to study, learn, and hold onto that dream. But, it's all at the expense, or voluntary sacrifice, of the other dreams I've just hoped would be part of my life, you know like normal people. It's been a long time since I've felt like a normal person though. Which, is in itself a bit of a bittersweet blessing.

Rejoicing

2008-08-25T10:40:00.005-05:00

I'm happy today. Like, really happy!! I'd like to say it's these amazing pills, but I know differently. I've been reading an excellent book called "Searching For God Knows What" by Donald Miller and it is blowing my mind. Much like "Blue Like Jazz" did when I first read that book. It's just all these ideas about living life in relationship with Jesus. From seeing God as formulaic to understanding why I live a holy life; I am just being revolutionized. And maybe it has something to do with where I am these days which is happier, but I think there is something more at work.

I've had some opportunities lately to talk candidly about faith and why I believe what I believe and it's been kinda cool to see what comes out of my mouth fully realizing that I cannot take the credit for what God has done in this life of mine. And something that continues to come up is how I know God/Jesus/Christianity is the Way. It's a tough question and "I just know" isn't a readily accepted answer. But, it's true. Knowing God does something in my inner heart. Somewhere in my spirit something flares at worshipping Him and parts of my heart stretch out and yearn when I read the Bible. These are places and things that happen that I cannot explain with words or try to make people understand. They are also not things I can replicate with any earthly attempts. No, these longings and encounters are part of my creation, more deeply woven into my being than anything else I can see. And it's because I was created to know God. I know I am exactly who I was created to be when I am in awe and wonder and longing for this Husband of mine. He has created me to be His Beloved! What is more beautiful and enchanting than that?

So, all of that to say I feel so loved and content and happy today because I KNOW God, and I continue to know Him more. And that my friends, is true joy. So, come rejoice with me!!

"I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit."

~Romans 15:13 (NLT)

Mental Capacity Threshold has been reached...

2008-07-31T13:48:00.002-05:00

The stress of the "Big Project" is kind of over. Well, phase 1. And I was hoping for some downtime or at least some breathing space. I have gotten some of that. It's definitely been less stressful of late. But something I was reading about today really struck me. It was an article on multi-tasking and our ability these days to do it so well, in fact we can barely NOT do it. That really applied to me, I though as I read. And what nasty side-effects occur when one is constantly juggling so many things in the air?

I've determined there are three things that I have suffered from since making multi-tasking my primary operation mode:
1- I am never quiet in my head. Ever. Even when I am simply sitting on a couch, I am making lists and worrying and writing potential grants. I am never in silence. This is not good. I probably see this most clearly in my spiritual walk as I haven't stopped long enough to just BE with God. I kinda run in and run out, crying out for peace all the way. I wonder if fifteen minutes of uninterrupted quiet and sitting would really throw my schedule off that much. No, you're right - it wouldn't.
2- I can't look at people. I can't engage anyone in conversation. I've noticed this horrifying trend most when I sit down for coffee with someone and find I cannot look them in the eye for more than five seconds before my brain starts to disengage and begins making lists. This is bad, who wants to know I'm not really listening but simply sitting in their presence?
3- I don't produce clear thoughts in speaking or writing without much effort. I am not as thorough as I usually am. I am acting as if I am burnt out and can't get past this wall in my head. And maybe my mind is protecting me from burn out by shutting off certain things in order to focus me in on more important ones. I don't know.

So, that's the life of this multi-tasker today. I'm praying I can sit in silence this evening for just 15 minutes; in worship, in prayer, in reading. Just 15 minutes of one task, and nothing else creeping in.

"O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you;my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water. So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory. Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands."

~Psalm 63:1-4

The Older the Fiddler, the Sweeter the Tune...

2008-07-20T12:43:00.002-05:00

Yep - that's a proverb, English apparently. And today I want to embrace that idea that as I grow one more year older, I produce a sweeter tune on fiddle of life... okay, that's a little corny, but let's go with it shall we?

Yes, today is my 28th birthday and I have been dreading it for eons it feels. This is it, the year I swore I'd be married by and kids and blah blah blah - cuz my mom was my age now when she got married and had me. And while I know, truly I do, this is slightly antiquated and insane to want to be where my mom was, I still have this part in my heart that does. And before everyone starts saying "It'll happen" and "The right guy...", I'd like to make a statement. Those things are not promises of God, and they are too easily desires NOT of God that consume my life. So, let's not feed the beast, okay? I was journalling and singing and enjoying my coffee this morning and as worship songs started to mend up the holes in my overly stretched soul, I heard some beautiful things. Things like this:

Your light will shine when all else fails
I stand with arms high and heart abandoned
The fog is finally clear to see the beautiful life you've given me
And the only thing I need is a void you can fill and I'll jump ship and run even further in your will
If I never walk on water, if I never see the miracles, if I never hear your voice so loud, well just knowing that you love me is enoguh to keep me here, just hearing those words is enough to satisfy
I'm stained with dirt prone to depravity, and you are everything that is bright and clean, the antonym of me, you are divinity.
From the broken earth, flowers come up

Hmm, good things, each of them. And the thing that blends them all together is that it's about God and His path, His plan, His will. will I be a mom someday? Maybe, but I'm not o nthat path today. What about law school? Certainly possible, but again, what does He have for me today? I stood in church worshipping this morning and remembered the tattoo on my wrist and what it meant, not just to me but to those I've shared the Gospel with because of it.

If I say, "I will not mention him, or speak any more in his name," there is in my heart as it were a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I am weary with holding it in, and I cannot.

So, I am reminded, I am called to be a messenger of the Lord, His voice in my world. My life should be lived as an outward reflection of His work in my heart. And is it? Well, I'm hoping it will be a more intentional pursuit of that kind of life this year as I embrace the path I AM on, and not pine for the path that I'm not.

This Fool is Through

2008-06-07T10:56:00.002-05:00

I love swimming. I mean - like really love it. And I think I know why now. It's a very solo thing, you and the water, underwater you can't hear anything, it's just so relaxing to let the voices be silenced. I like people, but I really am starting to realize there is such a thing as being peopled out. I am not an extrovert at all!! I like my alone time, I kinda savor not speaking for a whole day, I read to escape. So, there you go.

Today I am going swimming and my reasons are many and varied. But mostly, I am just done dealing with things beyond myself. Heck, I'm done dealing with things within myself. Maybe I'm just done dealing... The funny thing is, a song just popped on through my iPod. "Hold On" by Good Charlotte. And the lines goes "We all bleed the same way as you do and we all have the same things to go through". And while this song is primarily about suicide, even in a perfectly mentally healthy person there is a point and place where we just don't wanna do it anymore, whatever it is. And what then? What happens when we stop? Are we really running in futile anyway? I mean, how do we ever know when something is worth our passion and pursuit? All I do know is that things in my life currently have become my passion and pursuit that have nothing to do with my purpose. Coming out of the haze of the last few months, the last thing I need is to be pouring out my freshly caught springs of hope and joy prematurely.

One thing I absolutely love about this blog is that virtually no one reads it, or tells me they do anyway, and I can be so very obscure in referencing. So, good luck deciphering that one my friend. If you get it, I'm proud of you :)

What's My Age Again?

2008-05-24T14:09:00.002-05:00

Ah Springtime. The air is ripe with the smells of blooming flowers, fresh cut grass, and freedom. Even though I have been a graduated adult for over five years now, I still remember the freedom of being done with the school year and the anticipation of summer. Even the days are longer!! And in this time of year, graduations abound.

I attended just such an occassion this weekend. Well, the open house part anyway, and I realized as I was writing my little note in the graduate's card, that I could take some of my own advice. I being the wise woman I am, decided to impart such wisdom upon my dear friend. Mainly, I told her that the funny thing about graduating, in particular from high school, is that you're a kid today and tomorrow you're expected to be an adult. The most asked question becomes "What are you going to DO with your life?" I finished up this particular sentiment with an admonition to seek after God (preferably with the devo and journal I gave her) so she can keep her feet on the right path as she works through this journey. And I got to thinking, what am I doing with my life? How have I become an adult? or not, as the case may be?

I'm realizing as I am finishing up my 20s that I am in a weird place i never thought I would be. I am still single when I'd always thought I'd be married working on kids by now. I'm in a non-profit job writing and reading most of my day when I thought I would be in either photography or full-time ministry by this time in my life. I have a stellar group of friends which is such a blessing and I never really thought I could be the 'cool kid'. So, in all - adulthood has exceeded my expectations, in most areas. Even the singleness is relatively tolerable, today anyway :) However, the journey to get here? wouldn't wish it on anyone. As my readers probably know, my journey has seen a number of dark days - whether simply in emotion or in actual. And each episode of trial has brought something to the table in way of my attitudes, reactions, and overall character. And each piece has its place. But the real question is this: how do you prepare someone for LIFE? Do you simply do as I did and plead that they seek God at each turn and hope they'll make it through? do you give details of your own journey hoping they won't make the same mistakes? How do you prepare yourself for life?

As these questions roll through my head this weekend, I am reminded again of how faithful God is to take on our loads and give us peace. While I may want to sit down and diagram out the trials and terrors of my past in order to strategically plan to avoid them in the future, I know ultimately that I am - well, I am Cassandra. And I will fall again. but, is there something I can do to make sure my fall isn't as deadly as it has been in the past? Even now, I can see myself playing with fire and hoping I can just dance around enough to avoid getting burned. But in the end, I will get burned - or worse, I'll build up a callus to avoid even feeling the pain. So, I guess I still have some growing up to do myself.

Beauty in Broken Vessels

2008-04-28T09:03:00.002-05:00

It's been awhile since I've blogged positively, and for that I'm sorry. I'm doing much better than I have been lately. Things are settling and more importantly, I am finding my soul settling back into the arms of God again. But, this wilderness time has grown me so I cannot say I do not appreciate the time.
Yesterday I was attending a church I really enjoy. I have been asking the Lord to bring me a peace somewhere, anywhere, that He would want for me to attend. And last week, during a worship set, I felt that overwhelming and beautiful sense of peace, just peace like being home. So, I guess that could be it - but to be sure, I have continued asking for more "signs" if you will of this being the church. And so we come to yesterday and the purpose of this blog.
I love to worship through music. Sometimes words aren't even necessary, but most of the time I find myself echoing the words of songs in my heart, my spirit. And it's just so calming. I see why people like meditation, and really this is a form of that. Ps 19 asks that the meditations of my heart be pleasing so I'm okay with saying that :) Anyway, so in the midst of worship I was granted a snapshot of the condition of my heart. And it was devastating. The words that struck me so much from the song were things like God being on His throne and His unfailing love. In addition to that, a verse was shared that also shaped this revelation:

If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land. ~ 2 Chronicles 7:14

What position was I in? Knelt down bowing before my God, pleading for His will? No, I was standing proudly, bargaining for grace with a God who is holy beyond comprehension. I found myself complacent and disillusioned with who God is, truly is, and who I am. I've heard it again and again that this life is about God's will, not my own. I've taught on it!! But, yesterday I was hit with the hypocrisy of the life I was living with the life I was offered. God is great. Not just good and pleasant and loving kind of great, but great in majesty, holiness, power, kingship, etc... He is great! And I am a broken human, hardly worthy of His grace and salvation - but He extends it wholeheartedly. Because He loves me, dearly. He chose me. He reached into the mud to pull me out of my sin and bondage to give me a life of freedom and joy. And I keep running back to the mud or challenge Him. Yesterday, I faced this piece of my heart and I'd like to say I changed my ways, but it's a slow process of making an internal realization an external reality. This has floored me to be sure. I look at my use of time, money and strength and see only me. Where have I put God? Where have I allowed room for Him to move and work and shape? I've put Him in a room, a designated space where it's safe to keep Him. And I've allowed that space to get smaller and smaller until I can barely say He holds any part of my heart. But as we know, when we bring these things to light, we expose the darkness. And in that truth, there is freedom. We are not bound by our sin anymore. We are free to worship! So, today, this moment, I choose worship and joy and God - above me, anything of me.

Is there hope?

2008-04-17T13:01:00.002-05:00

Not today it seems. Just a weird day today. I joined one of those online dating things and it's not bad, but it's not really great either. I'm faced with an honest look at who I am in yet another facet of my life. This being my appeal to the opposite sex. And what I think I've determined is that I just am not what guys are looking for. Which is ok. Dating and marriage aren't in the cards for everyone, you know. I know, I know, I've said it before. But today, there's a sad peace in knowing it could very well just be my fate. I mean, if it's just not the plan, then it's not that I've failed at anything or that I'm unattractive or any of that. It just means it's not the plan for me. And I guess I'm ok with that, or I'll have to be. There is so much more to life than this little "problem". So, as usual, I need some action steps. The first, ride out the membership to the site until I can close it I guess. Next, keep the end in mind. I'm reminded of the scriptures I read about waiting on the Lord and striving hard for the goal without disqualifying yourself, etc... And I remember that I should have joy simply in being chosen by God. And thanks to a great friend, I am reminded also that it's God who gives that joy, not anything in this world. So, Spirit, come and heal and restore that I may experience joy again. That's all I can hope for.

Chaos Personified

2008-04-08T10:28:00.006-05:00

I've never been so stressed out in my life. It kinda feels like I am walking down an icy street in high heels while carrying very expensive china plates and wearing a very expensive dress. You know what's gonna happen. I'm gonna drop the plates, fall on my butt ruining the dress, and probably break a bone. It's not a possibility, it's a definite... And I am just on the edge of the fall right now it feels like. Waiting for everything to crash and burn. Yes, work is a pretty huge part of this, some could be people or friends, and a tiny sliver my impending fear that no man will ever love me. But put all of that together, and you have a disaster waiting to happen... New Found Glory has this song entitled "Failure's Not Flattering", and I feel like the first verse is really me these days.:

what's your problem
can't you see it
and you go and blow it
like everyone knows you will

Am I really a failure? Am I really seen as such? The song goes on to say "Why don't you get it together now? Failure's not flattering." And I can't help but wonder why I can't get it together. I can only hope that things get better some day soon, preferably before I crash and burn myself... which does seem imminent at this point...

Recent Life Additions

2008-03-24T11:51:00.003-05:00

It's been awhile and what a scary place to leave folks hanging. So, of late, things are moving and shifting and changing, much is questioned and less is realized. I'm doing better, but there is still a great tendency towards running and just wanting to be left alone. I'm sure I'll like people again one day :) Seriously though, the desire to just push people out of my life is indeed a felt struggle right now. I think I'm trying to be invisible again and relieve people from what I feel is their duty to love me and support me. Like I'm saying, "I know, I'm really difficult, you don't have to stay. I want you to live a good life, let me go." So what does that say? Not sure...

On a wholly unrelated topic, I have become an avid fan of the show Prison Break. Whoa! That's all I gotta say (PB fans, you know what I'm saying wink wink). Great show, but I am also realizing that there are a lot of words connected to being a fan of anything. Fan-atic. Fan-tastic. Fan-tasize. Fan-fare.... I could go on, but I think we can see the emotional roller coaster being a fan of anything can be. Right now, I just finished the last season and am eagerly awaiting the next along with a large group of my closest friends. The hilarious thing is a month ago I got annoyed when people would talk about this show and now I have turned into them... I won't get into it, but know I am fully aware of my hypocrisy. But my question is this - at what point does healthy enjoyment cross over to obsession? I don't have an answer for that, I don't THINK I'm at that point but it's good food for thought. So that's the update for now.

Sick Cycle Carousel

2008-03-07T09:07:00.002-06:00

Here we go again. So reminiscent of the time years ago when I said, "My way!" The human desires lurk around the edges of my mind, invading my consciousness and birthing unquenchable thirst for what I cannot have. Temptation is not new to me, but this - this I cannot ignore and place in the palm of God as He would have me do. I cannot expose this. I cannot pray through this. In fact, I cannot even say I do not want it. Instead, I covet the thoughts and feed on the feelings. I turn away from what I know to be good and embrace what is sick and deluded. In it all though, my greatest fear and source of hopelessness is that I want this more than God right now. In honesty, I say that. And let's be real for once in our lives, we have all been here - where something, anything seems better than what He would have for us at this moment. But how do you remember His goodness in the midst of this?

"I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living! Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!"
~Psalm 27:13-14 (ESV)

Wilderness Days

2008-02-27T13:34:00.002-06:00

I'm drawn back to Hosea 2 today. I'd post it, but it's long. So just go read it. I feel stuck in verses 1-13, awaiting the rest of the chapter where God speaks to me tenderly and lets me call Him My Husband. But here I am in a place of constant loss of the things that war with my desire for God. It's a good thing, I guess, to be stripped bare and humiliated as your sin is laid out for all to see. I've been listening to a few new songs and a running theme is that God is relentless, not giving up until He has everything. Also an all consuming fire. He wants it all. And until He's got it, He'll keep burning and refining as painful as it may be.
I'm at the end of me today. It's a day of dreariness as I look out at the sunless sky and in my own heart things are kinda dead. Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe I'm just stressed out. But what if maybe I'm letting hope die? I've blogged recently about hoping in the Lord and letting that be our hope cuz God is faithful to fulfill that hope. But, today, I'm not feeling it. At each mention of God being present I find myself scoffing inside asking "Really? God, You're here, in this?" What hurts even more is that He is the one orchestrating what I feel is unnecessary pain and toil. But I know God's character - He is Sovereign meaning His hand is in this and He loves me so there must be reason. I just hope it will be understood before I waste away in anger and bitterness.

Hope Without Disappointment

2008-02-25T10:43:00.002-06:00

Spring is coming and it is glorious! The weather will be above zero ALL WEEK!! I am really excited for that. Although, I am sick so I will not really be enjoying it that much other than from the comfort of my own bed and patio. But just knowing it's coming is so great.
And just as us North Dakotas (or any other region that experiences the dreariness and cold of winter) look expectantly towards green grass and rain showers, each of us has something we hope for. Something we look forward to, strive towards. Something we feel we must press in and wait for. This weekend I listened to a great podcast by Don Miller on hope and how it changes lives. He began by referencing an interview with Tom Brady (pre-SuperBowl defeat). Tom was asked which SuperBowl ring was his favorite and he said, "The one I haven't gotten yet. Why is it that I always want what I don't have yet?" Don makes a point that this is true of us all really. But we have advertisers telling us that we don't have what will make us happy but with this product, we could be. Or maybe it's that next pay level or job. Or __________ (Fill In the Blank). We are in a constant search to find SOMETHING that fulfills our hope. But more often than not, we buy in and find ourselves disappointed in the end.
The Scripture he used, and I will as well, is Romans 8. This chapter has been so powerful in my life of late I almost have it memorized. The thing that strikes a chord with me is the longing and hoping we see. It's not just me who is dissatisfied with this life on earth. No, even creation has threads of longing and hoping for more than this woven into the tapestry of this planet. I am not the only who wants to be more, do more, see more. And the greatest thing about Romans 8, we know that God is the one being held to this hope being fulfilled. And God's character is faithfulness. Did your heart just beat? Did the sun rise today (regardless if you can REALLY see it)? Yes!! But I find I have allowed myself to hope in so many things, only to be disappointed. I've even claimed the verse "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life" (Proverbs 13:12 ESV) to make my point of no longer hoping in things. After hearing this message though, I was renewed in my thinking.
This passage talks about hoping and waiting and longing and all these things that are not yet seen. However, we're hoping in a faithful God and He does not disappoint. I struggle with that because, I have been disappointed! but have I really? My longing for relationship or finances or whatever - have they been putting my hope in things or in God? Cuz if I'm honest, God was right there by my side (NOT disappointing me) when all these things fell through or never appeared. He did not disappoint, but they did. So where does my hope rest? Who does it rest in? And if I have hope, can I have joy?
And joy is my desire these days. It's been good, but one can always experience more joy and never get tired of it. So I must leave now on the idea of hoping in God producing joy in my life. May you find this true for you today as well, friend.

"For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience."
~Romans 8:24-25

Freedom! Freedom!!

2008-02-14T17:38:00.002-06:00

It all started with snow.... I had class at MSUM yesterday and it was snowing. A lot! And as I drove, beneath the terror of not being able to see out my frosted windows and snow covered vehicle, I felt a move in my heart. Imagine with me a hand. A hand holding something that is obviously of great importance since the knuckles are white and the fingers are digging into the palm for dear life. This is a picture of me and my desire for that ever elusive relationship as I like to call it. Yesterday as I was driving I felt this hand start to open up and release what it has been holding for years. And as I saw it happen, I felt the tension melt away and the fingers uncramp as they let go of the treasure. Do you know that feeling when you take cold medication and you can start to feel it work its magic in your sinuses and chest? That is EXACTLY what this felt like. As I opened my hand and released that desire to God's far more capable hands, I felt that relief flood over me. For the first time in so many years, I breathed in fresh air without the stench of this slightly stagnant treasure clogging my nasal passages. I truly feel free today and there is so much joy and just plain old happiness in that!! Truly, I cannot explain it beyond that - but rejoice with me as I walk confidently today knowing that my Lover-God is the lover I have searched for and found. He gives me my wine and my bread. He speaks tenderly to me. He sustains me and cares for me. It is HE who will provide in His time, with His resources... Praise the Lord!!

Facing Bethel

2008-02-10T21:40:00.000-06:00

Of late, I have been quite depressed and down. You might be able to guess that through my recent blogs. As I contemplate why I've been feeling this way it all comes down to a few simple lies I refuse to let go really. One - I'm never going to be good enough in comparison with others. Two - my life will never be blessed or get better like everyone else's no matter how close to the Lord I am. And Three - I can't do this life on my own, I need someone else and it's not God. Like I said, these statements are pretty bold and are blatantly false. I've had many a talk with close friends and it's difficult to explain what I am feeling or wanting without sounding suicidal and ultimately I don't know that I'm not just a little. But finally this weekend, I have this ray of hope that maybe I want something better than this mere existence. I'm starting to see the path a little more again.
And I really have to thank the pastor at the church I attended this morning for his Spirit-filled message on worship. How does worship relate to my depression, you may ask. Well, a part of his message concentrated on the heart of a worshipper. He used this phenomenal illustration of Abraham camping between Ai (meaning "heap of ruins") and Bethel (meaning "house of God"). Well anyway, the point is that Ai was a picture of destruction and rubble and Bethel was where God was. The pastor went on to explain how sometimes we Christians stand in Ai and pick up the pieces of the destruction and hold them out to show others places and ways we've been destroyed or hurt, whether through our own decisions or others. And he mentioned that sometimes we just sit in the rubbish and forget to look toward where God is, ahead of us, ready for us to run and meet Him. The thing that really shot me is that I am right there in Ai. My job, my nonexistent love life, my family. All of these hurts and pains and whinings are stemming from this camping out in Ai instead of rushing forward to take hold of God each new day and moving with Him. So, in light of this, I think I have determined in my heart to instead look at each day as new and remember that God waits with new mercies and wonders day by day, no matter what happened yesterday. So, I hope I can keep seeing more and more of this light of revelation. I know so many in my life that I forget love me would be so glad to see me living again after this temporary death in spirit. And on that note, if you do read this and are blessed, challenged or just interested, could you drop me a line? I as always assume that I'm not really heard or seen, but I forget too often that there are many in my life who do love me and pray for me and it's their prayers that even enable me to see God somedays, most days lately :) So, thank you. I love you all....

dissatisfied

2008-02-07T23:03:00.000-06:00

I'm not sure when I lost hope that this life could NOT suck. I was probably pretty young I guess. I truly do not remember a time when life was just good, things went my way and I didn't cry all the time. Seriously. I wish I could just see a magic person who will solve all my problems or least give me some kind of formula for coping - but the problem is I know too much. I know I can stop this pity party. I also know that if I do, it'll just happen tomorrow again anyway after something else in my life goes terribly wrong. And, ultimately, I am fully aware of the sinful, broken world we all live in where there is no such thing as a sinless or perfect day cuz we're all just walking wounded hoping for more than this.
So, I cancelled facebook and myspace today, so even fewer people will read this than normal. I think I'm trying to disappear, if only it were so easy :) Actually, there are a lot of reasons I cancelled them. One being time-wasting. Two being stalker issues - mine mostly. If it were not for facebook, I would know nothing of the terrible, devastating things that have happened this year (ie. weddings, engagements, relationships, wall-flirting, etc...) Cuz let's face it readers, all I care about is that ever elusive relationship I will never have. ok, that might be a little melodramatic, but it's how I feel these days. I mean, there's even a thing tomorrow where there's a guy and a friend and the friend could possibly like the guy and why would the guy choose me over friend anyway? i mean seriously?? to be honest, I wouldn't date me. And yet, I just keep hoping that someone will and rescue me from my self-pity party and self-deprecating ways. I guess this might be construed as a cry for help but I don't really want help. I just want home....

You can't help me.

2008-01-22T23:16:00.000-06:00

I know, you want to try. You'd like to tell me all these truths about who I am in Christ, how beautiful I really am, how wonderful my personality is. You would like to counteract every lie I believe about myself. You want to help me because you love me, I know. But the truth is, you can't. I can't let you.

I was driving home tonight after a slightly stressful Bible study for my fragile emotions and spirit. And as I drove I felt the familiar darkness creep in. The thoughts of why God continues to torture me with life and loneliness and all the other little demons that claw their ways into my depression. I was thinking about how I always find myself in this place, as I often do at these times, and I finally banked on something. This darkness is an escape mechanism. By focusing my thoughts and attentions on suicide and depression, I basically check out of living life with any kind of hope or dream or will. I simply survive another day and that in itself is the reward. How sad is this? Yet, it's where I am and it's where I'll be. Until I truly desire change (and why would I if it's such an excellent cop-out), I will find myself here night after night. So, I'm sorry I suck at being someone I want to be (mainly happy and hopeful) and am so good at being this checked-out, dark, cynical, bitter, angry version of who I am. Thanks for being my friend anyway.

Callings...

2008-01-18T23:58:00.000-06:00

For years I have held in this confession. Allowed people to believe this lie. Let myself believe which is even worse. I don't hear God's voice. I don't see His hand move. At least not literally. I perceive these things and my perceptions then lead to scripturally founding them so I can then discern whether this is truly something God would do or say or move in accordance with His unchanging character. The problem with letting everyone, including myself, believe that I do in fact hear God or see Him move lies in what I justify away as "spirituality".

I was at a meeting this evening. Now my reasons for attending said meeting may not have been entirely without agenda. Ok, ok - there may have been someone I might have been interested in seeing, but that's really not the point. Sometimes I need to remember that humans are in deed capable of disappointing regardless of how high one has steeped their hope is one particular human. Anyway, meeting is concerning a prayer movement felt within our community for it seems many years. I am a relatively new prayer aficionado. I used to dislike it immensely cuz it felt like talking to air. Now however, much more like talking to my friend who loves no matter how absolutely horrible I can be, or stubborn... Yes, I can be stubborn and mean. Again, irrelevant.

During the course of this meeting, some things are brought up concerning questions like "Where do we go from here?" And as one might imagine, someone brings up the need for... administration. And the question goes out, "Does anyone have a gifting in administration?" My stomach begins to roll. Now if you know the story, I just stepped out of administration in another capacity claiming I do not have time and it's too much stress, etc... And I had vowed not to sign up for anything at this meeting because I need to spend time with God right now, more than I need more ministry. So, the meeting continues and a dear friend beside me starts giggling and nudging me ever so slightly. and a person pipes up across the room, my heart falls thinking, "Oh, they feel the call. It's not me, God didn't choose me for this role." And the person simply lays out what we need, but doesn't want the job. Another person pipes up and sounds like maybe THEY are the one, but it becomes clear they aren't called. And so it goes for the remainder of the meeting and my stomach rolls and rolls, it feels like I may either scream out "I AM CALLED!!!" or vomit horrendously. Until lo and behold, someone points at me and asks if I'm interested in helping administer. To which I feel my head nod yes.

Crap.

Now, my problem isn't in administering. Or the movement. Not even the stretching I know is sure to ensue. No, my issue lies with humility. See, I'm so terrified I have just signed up to demonstrate my gift of administration. Notice, I did not say use or bless others or anything else that might imply God is in the forefront of my thinking in this. No, I find myself absolutely scared that I have just signed on to prove my spiritual worth yet again. But it's not like before. I've never felt this strongly about something, even now I feel the rolling in my stomach. It's like I knew I could be used and I wanted to worship God in using His creation (me) the way He designed it. I just wanted to be His, however He wanted to use me was His decision. And to top it all off, people kept throwing out these "mundane" details like licensing and organization, structure as if they were something to be avoided at all cost. And at each new thing my heart jumped more and my eyes lit up and my mind started to race planning the strategic plan and workflow for getting this thing to a tangible, fluid movement.

So, there you go. My "no ministry" days totaled 5 altogether... I sure pray that this doesn't blow up in my face... again...

I see you...

2008-01-14T22:25:00.000-06:00

I know what you see when you look at me. A woman barely keeping her life together. A child pretending to be an adult in her job and social circles. A girl with big brown eyes pleading with you to help her fix what she broke over and over again. That little girl is me. After finally letting go of my short-lived church commitments, I had hoped that I would be free. Free to just experience Jesus and fellowship and life. But what I find, what I always find, is instead an emptiness and a despair so dark and deep I can barely stay on this side of the edge. And I have to ask myself why I always find myself in this place. I'm afraid I don't have an answer.

It seems to me from this perspective that I'm not somehow living the life I was supposed to. Like I accidentally missed 494 and instead continued straight on through on 94 when I should have been in Edina. Instead, I get the chaos of downtown Minneapolis where streets don't really make sense and there are more one ways to travel than two ways. Heaven forbid you get on the one that makes you loop downtown for two hours... But that's me. I never could do much right and I always seem to find myself in the awkward place of not quite knowing what is going on. It doesn't matter what today's singular struggle is, it's simply a rotation of unmanageable feelings and rejections. I wonder to myself, is this what losing your mind feels like? Is this how it works when you start to slip away?

I am constantly vigilant of how I feel because I am so familiar with the darkness and doubt that drove me from the one thing that is good about my life. All those years ago when I turned away and said "My way!" I know that didn't work for me. But neither is this. So, where do i go from here? What formula should I choose to try to fix what's broken in my life? Which name can I give me demons today? Because isn't that what this is about? The spiritual realm fighting for me and my heart. But what about the times I just can't seem to fight...

I see you. I know you. I love you. I can hold you up when you want to fall. I can catch you when you step over the edge. I have been here waiting to catch you for a long time. Come, be with me and I will be with you. I'm knocking, please let me in. I want you. To me, you are a masterpiece, a beautiful mess. You're mine. Please let me save you... again...

Whatever it looks like, whatever it feels like

2007-12-07T09:41:00.000-06:00

It's a breaking day. Breaking days are... good, sort of. Good in a painful way. Like when you clean out a wound and it stings like heck, but you know you needed to do it. Today is really a continuation of yesterday for me. Which is generally how consecutive weekdays go I guess. As Friday it's a great day to realize the week is almost over and there's this feeling of trying to get it all done before the day is over so the weekend can be truly free. I'll be working tomorrow anyway, but here's the story:

My job is difficult, it's multi-faceted, tedious at times, definitely requires all brainpower I possess. And yesterday I had a conference call that really shot down whatever confidence I had in myself to do this job. The nice lady basically tells that I should be further along on a particular project than I am which threw me into crisis mode. I'm not doing well enough, I can't do this! I am completely unprepared for this kind of job!! Add to that losing my phone, stupid emails, endless ministry and a cold - you pretty much have a walking sack of tears and whining. So, this is where I am today...

After talking with my beautiful mentor, we decided I needed to spend some time with the Lord and we closed my door and she left me to it. Starting off with a wonderful Misty Edwards song I began to just unload. As I sat on my prayer dock in my mind, I began throwing these things out into the water, one by one. And they just kept coming up and I just kept throwing. Projects, grants, jobs, law school, men, church, on and on they kept coming up. And finally, I felt like I had thrown my whole life in and I was just standing there bare and broken and a little bruised from it all. And as I stood there, this line came on in the song "I am Yours, whatever it looks like, whatever it feels like..." And I realized (again!!) that God loved me without any achievement, without any merits, without anything. He loved just as I stood there heaving everything away and all He wanted from me was to seek Him. He was the one who will change me and grow me, He will direct my paths if I choose to acknowledge Him, He will carry these burdens for me. And more than everything, He loves this little girl who keeps trying to live her life by her standards and He will gladly reach down and strip away all the ropes she binds around herself to keep from truly enjoying the life He's given her.

So, rope-free as I am now, I want to go forward today with a renewed sense of simple. A joy in just being me. An ever-growing love for my Abba Daddy, who walks with me today and every day. Sometimes, He even has to carry me for awhile, but He'll be there to do it if that's what it takes to keep me moving in His direction...

Why Law?

2007-12-01T09:34:00.000-06:00

As I walked today (see my new blog The Skeptical Psuedolete for details), I was struck by a pretty deep thought. Do I REALLY want to go to law school? Why do I want to? Granted, I am reading the book "One L" which describes one guy's first year in law school at Harvard and it sounds pretty intense. But what keeps coming up in my mind is how it seems all the people he is meeting in his section are so brilliant and had good grades and were so successful. And I remember that I got a measly 23 on ACT and a 3.2 undergraduate GPA. Not to mention my intimidation of discussions with people I know to be smarter than me. Can I truly make up for all of that with more studying and hard work? Can I maintain the pace? Why am I even doing this?!?

So, I figured I needed to lay out my own case and what better place than my blog, right? So here are my points in order of importance to me and my desire to be a lawyer:

1. Knowledge

I love learning. i love reading. I love writing. I simply love having knowledge and processing and thinking really. You've seen my thoughts laid out here from time to time and you know it's how I process the ideas in my head. I just love knowing stuff to help me process because then I will have a fuller understanding of the implications of my decisions.

2. Advocacy

I am articulate and relatively intelligent I believe. I know for a fact that I can probably say what you are thinking or feeling better than you can. Sounds kind of haughty and conceited, but it's probably true. And I mean that in a nice way of course... So, I understand and see things from someone else's perspective and give voice to what is going on. As a grantwriter I have had plenty of experience writing to specific audiences and goals for funding. I understand how to manipulate words and ideas to meet criteria and really show off the vision of programs we are trying to get funded. it may sound slightly like I'm catering, and I am, but there's just a drive to get the message out. And I love the idea that I could be an advocate for someone who may not be able to speak clearly for themselves. Or at least aid in their understanding of the fuller picture beyond their world so they can see what is truly at stake. I got a smile in my heart just writing that...

3. The Title of "Lawyer"

I am not good at accomplishing goals I set for myself. I try, but it just never quite gets done. Whether a diet or a reading plan or daily devotions, I just never stay on track and end up falling off the program. My dad calls me a quitter, but I know somewhere deep inside this weak flesh, there's a winner waiting to emerge!! (Could that sound any cornier?) I ask myself, if law is my dream, why not pursue it? Not to mention, Dad can't really call me a quitter if I have the title, now can he?

So, overall, there are many factors that contribute to my thinking of late about this profession. Whether my age creeping up to that 30 mark, my love for the job I currently have, or just the drive to actually be what I want to be for once in my life. So many things play a part and shape my desire to be a lawyer. So, that all being said, let's hope this blog will be inspiring to me in a couple years when I'm wading through cases and contracts, endless reading and what I'm beginning to fear most, the Socratic method of teaching...

Greener Grass?

2007-11-28T09:41:00.000-06:00

In Genesis 3, mankind falls. Sorry if I ruined the story for you... But, I was reading the story of how it went down and I saw myself standing there. Innocent as Eve and then the serpent comes along.
"Evening Cassandra. Lovely night, huh? So, what was it God said you shouldn't have? Oh, those thoughts? Those feelings? Hmm, yeah, He did say something about lust and coveting, didn't He? Well, didn't He also say something about it not being good for man to be alone? I mean, wouldn't He want you to be with someone? And if so, wouldn't it be better to understand what that might be like when it happens? He doesn't want you to be lonely, right?"
And so, I fall for it. Again. And I recognize the debris left by the destructive thought patterns and the misplaced hope and I conclude that I am unlovable truly and weak beyond help. Indulging in what I hope is greener grass, turns into burnt chaff in the wind once again. And I am left with nothing.

So, my general conclusion up to this point in my life is to let the shame and lies wash over me until I come to a place of despair so dark I can't help but get stuck in the undercurrent of sin that has pulled me in. But today? Today is a new day with new mercies and I am gonna claim that over myself in lieu of the pity party turned sinfest I usually partake of. No, today I am going to remember the promise God has given me of new life, new creation in Jesus. I am putting on that new nature and starving the old. If I stop feeding the lie, it will die. Eventually. So today the nourishing and coddling of my secret sin stops. It will die soon because I have a God who wants me to know joy and peace and restoration. I love a Man who loved me enough to take my guilt for me and give me new life. And, gosh darn it, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I want to live fully. So, today I choose life instead of death. Blessings instead of curses. And today, I will stand firm because it is God who is strong in my weakness...

Whimsically challenged, and yet there's hope...

2007-11-24T23:46:00.000-06:00

I am not nor have I ever been a real fan of waiting. Who is? Please, I need to meet that guy. But this past week has introduced some sweet things that will require massive amounts of waiting. Allow me to present my case:

1) The Lifelong Dream
So, when I was about 13, I realized I liked to argue. not about like politics or anything like that, but I just had this need to be right and to be right I had to prove my point. So, what better profession could I aspire to than a lawyer, right? Well, long story short-I went to school for elementary education except I hate kids (well, I did... but that's getting to the second point). So I changed from that to secondary ed, and then art and finally I was forced to graduate with Mass Comm. But as I've worked in my position, the dream has been revisited and revitalized. Law School. So, I began researching the necessary steps to actually pursue this dream. And it's attainable, really. Just a test and $30,000. Oh, and apparently three years of the highest stress and studying. but there's this stirring in my heart when I start to think on it... So, I will soon be preparing for the LSAT and my hope is actually applying for law school in two years. I'm guessing I'll have my debt and car paid down or off by then, so maybe I can handle a bit more :)

And while this sounds so great and wonderful, I find myself wondering if I actually want to be a lawyer or just know all the stuf lawyers know. As is, I can tell you the law on my industry in all 50 states at the drop of a hat. And that is exciting to me!! So, maybe my true desire is for knowledge and that can be pursued through Barnes & Noble and save probably a good $29,000 in the process.

2) Marriage v. Singleness Boxing Match
for years and years, I have assumed I am just either meant to be single and just being tormented. I never ever thoguht I would actually dare to hope for a relationship/marriage. but this weekend it finally happened, the peace I needed confirming those desires. and it wasn't like a revelation of who or when or even why, but it was just a quiet peace that this is something I can hope for. So, I'm letting myself hope and the contentment in that has come easily so far. I don't know how long I'll be waiting, but I'll wait until it's a "good" thing in reference to Psalm 84:11
"For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
the LORD bestows favor and honor.
No good thing does he withhold
from those who walk uprightly."

So, hope is here and the waiting may begin for these dreams to unfold and flourish in God's ever capable span of time...

Who needs ya anyway?!

2007-11-23T22:02:00.000-06:00

So, an unfortunate incident has occurred. My computer has a terminal disease and she shall be leaving us all soon... May I tell you the story?

Good, I'm glad you're still here :) So, a little known fact about me that you may not know... Umm, hence the little known fact part I guess. I am insanely clumsy. In the short span of my life I have tripped and fallen and bruised just about anywhere possible. For example, 10 years old - I was in the 5th grade and walking the dogs. We had two rather large dogs and we were walking over the Blue Bridge here in Fargo and were just descending the stairs when the two friendly mutts began to chase each other. While on leashes. Around my kneecaps. So, I'm sure you get the picture... Down go I and then realize as I stand, "Wow!! My feet hurt! Like really bad!!" And then it hits me that I have to walk home with these two dogs and home is over the bridge and down four blocks. When I arrive home screaming my head off for the pain, my mother tells me to take a nap and I'll be fine. I managed to shatter my foot, by the way.

This is just one of many crazy clumsy moments. There's also the time I fell UP stairs and landed on my face in front of 200 college students. Or the time I tried to open my car door to realize it wasn't my car and the owner was standing behind me... So, me = clumsy/awkward. Which is funny since my last name is Ward. So, if I ever write all these moments down, my book will be called "The Life of Cassandra: awkWard".

Which brings us to the story of my terminally ill computer. So, on a lazy Saturday afternoon I was sititng much like I am now-feet propped up, typing away, jamming to some tunes. Well, my door was being knocked at or some other disturbance of my time when I got up. Not realizing that my foot had become wrapped up in my computer's cord!!! And as I run for whatever, there goes my beautiful laptop. Down. Down. Down. It was open so of course my wonderful widescreen monitor was out there to feel the full force of the coffee table. And now? Now I have spider veins and inky black lines all across my screen. I had hoped they would just stay where they were, but they seem to be growing daily and I fear I may soon not be able to see anything. As it is, I can't read articles or my blogs or really anything with words cuz the lines stretch all the way down and extend to both sides nearly. it is very tragic indeed. Be very very sad for me...

So, that is the tragic story and I just needed to get it out. Thanks for your support. And should you feel the need to either A) Contribute $$, B) Fix my computer, or C) give me a new one - please contact me.

The Beauty of Aching

2007-11-18T18:48:00.000-06:00

Ache. Even the word sounds painful. Like a sound you make when you get a papercut or something. Or you smell something bad. Whatever, it doesn't illicit happy thoughts in general. But it does allude to something akin to longing, abiding, perseverance. It's an achey day....

There have been many things this week that have hurt and cut and killed my spirit, so today's experience shouldn't really have been as unexpected as it has been. And even as I reread that last sentence, I realize my hope is lost.

"For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will." Romans 8:24-27

Prior to this passage, Paul is talking about creation groaning and waiting on God's redemption of His children into freedom. So, quite appropriate I feel. Not that my present suffering is in anyway comparable to the eager expectation of Jesus' Second Coming. But I do understand the longing for a hope that is just never quite fulfilled. but how happy should I be that my longing cannot be filled by something earthly? Temporary? My ache is only a testament to that eternity which God has placed in the hearts of all men. So, I choose to ache gladly, knowing that my hope and my life and my joy is safe in the arms of God. My worth and value and beauty rest fully in His love for me. Love deep enough and wide enough and high enough and long enough to sustain whatever crisis I find myself in. Who could want for a better love than that?

silence

2007-11-16T11:49:00.000-06:00

"Let all that I am wait quietly before God,
for my hope is in him." Psalm 62:5

Silence. There's something about silence that is so terrifying. It's like a void of communication. As someone who enjoys open communication, it can be difficult for me to understand others who do not communicate as openly as I might. However, lately I've begun to see the advantages of that philosophy.
I've always loved the fact that when someone knows me, they generally know everything. I have no filter in what I say since I think verbally. And because of that, I fear I may come across as more scatterbrained and flighty than I'd care to. I've recently had a n encounter where my emotions have been reflected back to me in counsel and I was hurt. Really hurt. Is that what I really look like? Honestly? Do I really portray this messed up emotionally volatile adolescent? And I realized that maybe I'd be more acceptable if I were to just keep my thoughts to myself. But now I struggle with this, because that's not how I operate. Well, what if I just limit what I say? See? Here is where a filter would be handy. So, in conclusion, I decided I must just embrace silence.
What this really means for me is understanding that the only one who can handle every thought on everything and every tangent that distracts me is God. And He alone can see what my heart is truly saying and what I really want to express. and as I think back on the last few months, maybe even years, I see how I've run to everyone in my life rather than God with my "issue" of the moment. And you know what? God has used others to point me in the right direction or counsel me or whatever it is that I need.
Here's the turn point though. Today. In the last 24 hours so much has happened that has hurt and refined and shaped my heart I can barely even write this. Friends have said things or not said things and in general, I feel alone and abandoned. I tried to go to someone and they turned on me. I try another avenue and the door is closed. And I'm left to myself with the understanding that God wants what's in my heart more than anything. And He is there to listen. And I need to trust Him with it - He is the only one who can do anything about it anyway, right? So, here you are, Lord. Here's my heart back, please keep it. Teach me how to wait quietly for You alone and practice silence...

And then there's the rain...

2007-11-15T01:07:00.000-06:00

I love rain. It's usually cool and refreshing. It reminds me of growth since without the water, there'd be no.. well anything that grows. But, the best thing about rain? It' washes away the dirt. Off the streets, off cars, off stuff, out of the air. the air is usually so clean after it rains. So clear. It's like a new place when the rain clears off and the sun comes out. We appreciate the sun so much more because of the rain. so, today it's raining.
My personal rain, not so much like regular rain. Personal rain is actually kind of painful and usually lasts longer than one hopes. It'll stay until there's clear air to be had. Sometimes, personal rain can last a very very long time. I hope today's will be over quickly cuz this hurts like hell.
The thing I like about writing is that it allows me to get what's in my head onto paper (per se) and then I can read back and laugh at how silly I was. So, today I read back through some old blogs. But I didn't laugh. The needs, the desperate cries, the pleas for deliverance. Not one answered. Not even a bit. Today I am as heartbroken and desperate and completely stressed as I have been for about a year it seems. I was listening to a Linkin Park song and there's a line that says "the pace is too fast/you just won't last" or something close. That is a little bit of how I feel. I'm running dangerously close to the edge of my cliffs and it's only a slight breeze before I fall over the side. But even as I grasp for the more stable ground, there's a desperate pull to just let it all go and fall. Just go. And even as I imagine the terrifying descent, I understand that is exactly what I do need. To let go. Give it up. Let far more able hands take care of what I need. And God will be there to help me pick up the broken pieces again. He'll be there to repair the cracks and form new shapes out of the mishandled clay. He will hide me in the shadow of his wing and guard me from the arrows. But right now, I'm still just toppling and the ground isn't getting any closer.
At what point do you say - I'm done? When can we safely give up the hope we've clung to? Is there a place us disillusioned and disappointed recovering hopers can go to just be healed and restored before we attempt to feel anything again? If there is, I wish i had directions today....

Set My World On Fire

2007-11-07T15:23:00.000-06:00

There is this amazing song by Britt Nicole titled "Set the World On Fire". Chorus - "Take my dreams/Come and give them wings/Lord with You/There's nothing I cannot do". It may sound kinda sappy, but lately I've realized I need to take this to heart.
So, where've I been, right? Well, switching churches on God's call and my nerves, working like a maniac and in general stressing life to the max. And in the background of all this my 27 year old heart has been screaming for something I can't do a darn thing about. It's a good thing I can own property and work without a man, but I find myself wishing for those days of arranged marriages. And here is where Britt Nicole comes in. As I dream of this relationship I want, I am struck by how often the door is closed and I begin to wonder if this is my dream? Or is my dream the greater one of wanting God and HIS dreams? As a single woman capable of speaking, I've seen in a new light the ways God has changed my heart and used me and pursued me. He's provided opportunities for my own personal healing in areas and times of encouragement to others in their wounds. Why would I give up the provider, comforter, healer, lover, etc. I've already found in God for an earthly substitute? And yet, I wish for that. I can't let it go.
So, here I am. Asking yet again for God to show me the dream He has while pining for my own dream. Is it wrong to want to be married? heavens, no! But it is if it's not the path God has created for you. And in my case, this seems more and more to be the plan. So, in conclusion, what I'm asking for here is a fire. Lord, set my world on fire. Burn what is dead and destroy the things designated for destruction. Hide my "other lovers" and hedge me in. Speak tenderly to me as I walk the wilderness of saying goodbye to the dreams I desperately cling to in hope of being known as only You can know me.

Oh Mylanta!! Houston, we have a problem!

2007-10-14T00:03:00.000-05:00

So life. Life has been... well insane and interesting and good and wild and many other words that just don't do it justice. I'm leaving my church, I quit my second job (mostly), and I am preaching the sermon at my new church tomorrow. I have nothing written down. Herein lies the problem part....

Now, I know what my topic is per se. My issue is with the actual flow, shall we say. how do you cram three stories into thirty minutes? Now these are quite complex old testament stories mind you. How do you segueway from Hosea to Joshua to Hosea to modern?!? So, if you get this and it isn't 6:30 PM Sunday yet, send up a plea for me would ya? And if you want to come see what God does, check out Hawley Community Center tomorrow around 6:30 PM... Should be a good lesson in trusting God for wisdom and words :)

Do You See What I See?

2007-09-01T15:47:00.000-05:00

How couldn't I see what I'd become? How did I not know what I looked like? Today my world crashed into a hard wall of reality and the pieces aren't fixing up real well. I feel a little shattered and bruised, but the truth was needed. Actually, it was even prayed for as I asked God to show me how to love Him more than those things I pray for. But, it still stings...

Have you ever had an experience like this? Someone you've known for an extended time speaks a hard truth into your life and you realize that you've been blind. Whether you just haven't seen what you've been doing because you're "too busy". Or you refuse to see it because it's what you hate about yourself. Or whatever it is that keeps you from realizing you are a messy human. We sure like our control don't we? We like to plan and map and make sure everything turns out just right. We want the storybook ending and the 2.5 children. Dang it-I want my white picket fence!! But we also want a God who plays by the rules and fulfills His part of the equation. I pray, I love people like Jesus (sometimes), I never get drunk, I follow the rules!! Why won't You?!?!

I so often forget that God isn't about rules. He's about hearts. He wants our hearts. Not our planners or our medals or our time even. He wants our hearts. And today I was struck smartly across the face with the realization that I've been visibly giving myself to something other than God. Apparently for years and years. And I got a picture of what I really look like to others. And it disgusted me to the core. Could that really be it? Could that really be what others perceive as my heart and intent and passion? Not Jesus? Why can't they see Jesus? And as I write that I realize they can't see Jesus for the neon lights screaming something entirely opposite of who Jesus was. I'm carrying the fragrance of something, but it's not Jesus... Reality - sometimes it's ugly and sometimes you can't just change and hope no one noticed. Cuz sometimes it's you and you can't be anyone other than you.....

Why not?

2007-08-17T23:15:00.000-05:00

I feel so defiant when I say that. Why not? Well, obviously anytime you are posing that question, there's probably a few good reasons why not... In today's case, it's probably because, well - it's me. And this doesn't happen to me. Or for me.

I saw a movie tonight that rocked me a bit. While the gist of the movie is romance, it ends in heartache and a sense of single girl power. Which rocks since I am a single girl and truly don't think I'm lacking anything in the absence of the almighty relationship - though I still seem to hinge all joy on this, don't I? Hmm, riiight. Let's suspend this for a moment while I digest. The movie did something in my heart. It stirred something I've let remain dormant for a time. A real passion with actual dreams and hopes. My dream of writing a novel. I decided to quit pouring out all this emotion and energy into a wishing prayer and instead focus it on a tangible dream. Whoo-hoo! Go me!! So, I am starting my great novel but I can't tell you about it cuz then I'll lose it. I don't know why, but that's what happens every time I tell people.

So whatever does this have to do with why not? Well, in conjunction with this renewed sense of empowered singleness, a friend blogged this evening as well. And unfortunately it totally ruined it all. See, this friend is actually pretty great and in my view pretty much what I'd ever want. And he's also pretty much unaware I exist. How do you tell someone they need to give you a chance without looking like a completely desperate woman? I'm really not, but he's practically my Mr. Perfect (I do hate the connotation that anyone is perfect, but I trust you understand my idea here). See the blog spoke of despair and loneliness and maybe a touch of bitterness and anger at singleness. So, here it comes, why not me?!? And therein lies the fact that it'd be ridiculous for me to believe that something like that could actually occur in my life. For whatever reason, Cupid really hates me. Well, regardless of whether it's me or not, it's ruined my inspired mood and for that I'm very very angry friend. I hope you read this and realize you're an idiot cuz I'm amazing. And for everyone who is not that guy, I am sorry but you should realize by now that I emote on everything here and I actually love that I do. Life should be a journey and it's way more fun to be able to read back and see the winding path it usually takes. So thanks for reading again and always...

You bring me joy!

2007-08-17T10:45:00.000-05:00

I title this as such in order to convince myself of this. It's true, God does bring me joy. He restores and renews and strengthens. He is my refuge, my rock. And yet, this world wins sometimes, y'know? Today, the world's winning the fight for my joy. I've been insanely busy at work and not just stuff. It's like brain powered stuff. Writing, designing, configuring, statistics, etc... And there is absolutely no end in sight until the middle of 2008. My brain is done.

And in the midst of all of this chaos, all my heart longs for is someone to come home to and say to me, "No matter what happened today, I love you. Let's watch a movie and have popcorn." And then snuggle and fall asleep content because I know someone is supporting me, someone cares that I'm hurt and bleeding on the inside. Someone sees me as I am, not what I seem like. And yet, the words of coworker come back to me today. "Cass, maybe you need to understand that marriage and kids isn't God's plan for you. If it is, it'll happen on His timetable." But the more I dwell in it, the more I do understand painfully that the statement is so very true. Maybe He does desire singleness for me. But, what about the movie? And the popcorn?? I can't do my life without that kind of support. So, Lord-be my joy, my strength and my refuge once again. If you're leading me to it, you'll bring me through it. In humility and brokenness, I must reclaim my joy and my passion for Him alone. This world can't win every day :)

Life is better when lived

2007-08-06T21:43:00.000-05:00

27's been pretty interesting... I never seem to have enough time for, well anything. I work an awful lot and the time I do have off I fill up pretty quickly with everything I should have been doing while working. This weekend was great though. I pretty much slacked off and watched Matt Damon. yes, all three Jason Bourne movies, one day. It was amazing. But more than anything, lately I've been seeing myself in a new way. Now, most humans are selfish by nature, but lately I've really noticed just how much I tend to assume life will go according to my plan. And as I now have a roommate who expects this even more so (and usually had a better plan to begin with) I realize just how much I need to learn to be humble and let God move outside my boundaries and safe zones.

One safe zone is my life, which sounds really broad I know. But, the plan of my life. My job, my relationship status, everything. the fact that I am 27!!! I feel old, seriously!! Everyone around me tries to say I'm not or that this or that will happen in time... blah, blah, blah. They're like 22 and don't realize that life starts to fall apart at the age of 25. Okay, that might be exaggerating. But what I'm talking about is letting all of those fears that I will have unfulfilled dreams. Psalm 84:11b has been an anchor for this: "God does not withhold any good thing from those who walk uprightly." Right now, there is nothing outside my life that I should have, that God deems good. And let's face it, if it's not God, I don't think it's good. Do I really want a relationship outside of God's provision? No, because it wouldn't be a part of the fairytale He has for me.

Fairytales, there's another great subject. Who in the world thought it was a good idea to make men seem like "knights in shining armor"? I say this not because I'm cynical, but because it really makes me mad when people compare real life people to their fairytale counterparts. You know you've done it. Sound familiar - "Hmm, I sure hope he knows daisies are my favorite and then we'll go to dinner and gaze at each other and then we'll ride off into the park on white horse and..." Yes, we all fantasize like this or worse! And while we realize that no man (or woman) can live up to our fantasy, there is always a residual image left in our minds when we hear about or see these images of perceived perfection. For women, it's chick flicks and romance novels, men probably porn. Whatever it is we treat it so casually when it's ruining our hearts. Well, I suppose I am really speaking to myself, I don't like to generalize and just assume everyone else struggles with this.

So, anyway. back to 27. I dyed my hair tonight. Thought I'd spruce up the brown hair with a couple highlights. I look kind of like a bird accidentally pooped caramel sauce on my head. It's not good. So, when I say I'm learning humility - beauty gone, next!! :) It's really kinda making me laugh though, so it's good.

I need to get into the habit of writing more. Maybe 27 will be the year I start my big novel. Hmmm, we'll just have to see I guess.

Little Miss Mary Sunshine

2007-07-13T09:55:00.001-05:00

“Little Miss Mary Sunshine had a bad day…” As Saving Jane would say. It’s not a particularly bad day, but more a general attitude of late. Since my last post bitterness has been uprooted and wounds are healing over nicely. Except for this one…

Next week I will be turning 27. I will be a full-fledged responsible adult. I’ll be in my upper twenties for sure. This age brings me a lot of stress. To begin with, in my circle I am apparently not considered an adult or, at very least, responsible enough to take care of small things like forms or keys or whatever may need to be responsibly taken care of. I’m not sure what I did to give folks the impression that I am not grown up, but I get the strong vibe that a lot of people think this way of me. Well, I guess I just have to remember that I know I am and everyone else can just do it themselves then. There comes a time in a person’s life when they really just have to quit caring about this world and live for what’s important to them. So, as I am trying to define what really is important, I guess caring what people think of me should be added to the list of “Quit Caring About It”. Let’s make a list, shall we?

Important:

Relationship with God-my lover, my comfort, my tower, my refuge
Relationship with students-pouring into the next generation of believers
Being responsible with what God has blessed me with-finances, time, etc.
Loving people
Living a life that cause glory to God

Quit Caring About It:

What other people think about me
How I look in my favorite clothes
Whether someone at work likes me or not or thinks I nap all day instead of working hard like I am-in other words, know I’m doing my job and quit retaliating with “But I AM working!! And harder than you!”
How many great classics I have not read yet and assuming that it makes me an idiot because I haven’t.
How much I love stupid fiction sometimes.
Whether I’m good enough or pretty enough or whatever enough for any one person or group. I’m enough Cass for God and that is enough.

I feel good about this. I think I can work this out. See how much smaller my Important list is? It’s not difficult or outrageous. But too many things in my Quit Caring About It list outdo the Important things. So, this is the beginning of being a responsible, goal-oriented, time managed and prioritized adult… Or this is just the beginning of caring about what matters to me instead of letting other people shape and form my life for me. I feel wiser already J

Bitter Roots

2007-06-20T09:56:00.000-05:00

Lately I have struggled with bitterness forming in my heart towards a particular coworker and it just doesn't get better. And today something happened yet again to just further the growth of this cancerous root of bitterness. Seriously, it's infecting every part of me. And it dawned on me that I can't remove this. I'm weak and needy, poor and lowly. I can't do what my God can do. And I need to fall on Him as the strength of my heart and portion forever. Humility, it comes in a flash.

An area I really see this terrible root growing is in singleness. As I drove to work today I was thinking of my current situation and I thought to myself, "Why would I want to love or lean on a man when I know they'll fail me anyway. I should simply love the Lord and remember that He ALONE is my refuge, my place of safety. A man cannot be that, ever." Yes, there is so much truth and joy and passion in those statements. And yes they are true of my heart and my thoughts. But even in this, I saw this strain of bitterness. Do you see it? Cynical, critical, judgmental, unforgiving... I could go on, but all these things are so far from where the Lord wants my heart to be and yet, I mask them with this seemingly "spiritual" statement that God is my portion forever. Lord-break me and shape me and destroy what I've created in me because I just don't have the heart to do it nor the strength. May I be YOUR Creation, not my own...

Resting

2007-06-13T13:43:00.000-05:00

The single saga continues....

I was writing to a friend of mine today on unanswered prayer and how we oftentimes forget that God does in fact know who we are and what stirs our heart. I have often written on my dissatisfaction with the single life for various reasons and today is really no different. Only, today I am not dissatisfied as much as I am discouraged in my own attitude toward this time of growth and outpouring of blessing. In this email with my friend, who is married (you know who you are), I was relaying how I find rest in the shadow of God's wing. In a relationship, a couple spends a great deal of time cuddling and snuggling, so I've been told. And from past experience of my own I know that there is nothing better than a night in watching movies on the couch. Generally Mr. Wonderful will put his arm around his date and she'll instinctively turn into his side. It's a comforting place to be. You're at peace, you're warm, and you're hoping he wears Old Spice deodorant. But more than all of that, you know that within that embrace, you are safe with this person. Ah, I long for that embrace with all my heart! But, here's the beautiful thing. Just like I long to snuggle with my husband someday, I know I can snuggle with my God today and eternally. I read Psalm 36:7 and remember this is a picture of the Lord embracing me:

"How precious is your steadfast love, O God!
The children of mankind take refuge in the shadow of your wings."

To be in the shadow of His wing. Pulled close to His side. Held tight in His arms. Where else would I want to be? The Lord fulfills my greatest need in the cross for my eternity. He continues to supply my needs daily in His presence and in His word. Psalm 91 says it best (the Lord speaking):

"Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him;
I will protect him, because he knows my name.
When he calls to me, I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will rescue him and honor him.
With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation."
Psalm 91:14-16

So, today I rest in His shadow, under His wings, and wait for His timing. There are many things I could speculate and pursue and even cherish, but I will rest at His side today. May we be people of rest and patience....

Oh life, why so tiring?

2007-06-04T01:49:00.000-05:00

I am absolutely dead tired. And not just like, "Ooh, I didn't sleep enough" kind of tired, but weary to the bones, ready to cry, falling apart tired. I can't quite describe it. I suppose it could be working far too much. If I add up the hours of work I've done this week, the total is 59 hours. Along with two Bible Studies and a wedding.

I'm getting old, I realize. I know people would say I'm still young at the age of 26, but when I see my friends and I see the lives around me, I realize I'm not living like a young person. I work all the time and I never really let myself have fun and I really don't see myself changing that. I actually kind of prefer it that way. What's wrong with this picture?!? My work never really lets me down cuz it's only as good as I make it. People, people though, they're far more unpredictable and they can hurt you far more.

I guess it comes down to that. I don't want to get hurt. I want to live in my little world and do what I need to do to survive and not worry about anyone else. I'm moving in with a couple friends in under two months, so some of this will have to change. I wish I could say I was as excited about moving as everyone else seems to be, but I'm losing out on a lot of freedoms. One being nights like tonight where I just want to wallow in the disappointment my life has been. With people around, I'm forced to deal with it and move forward. Well, at least I can have tonight I guess. So, back to work... even though it's 2:05 am and I need to be up at 6...

But they're so comfortable...

2007-05-23T23:10:00.000-05:00

Lord, I don't usually write to you here. But this needs to be a message to me that this cannot stay here in my heart. It needs to be visible beyond my own existence because if it stays here, it will eat me alive and kill my spirit.

I'm hurting. I'm broken on the inside. My pain doesn't have any marks or bruises or symptoms. It's just there, ever aching. It's a familiar pain. Comfortable, well known wounds. It's so easy to just walk this path of despair again. It's like getting into the jeans you love but you know you shouldn't wear them because they don't fit quite right anymore. Anyway, it's this comfortable track I'm running in tonight.

It's always the same thing, Lord. Constantly. I see why You get so upset with Israel. She chased after all of these broken cisterns hoping one would satisfy. But only You can satisfy. Only You know what I need more than anything. I need You. I need Your grace and emrcy. I need Jesus.

Since I truly believe Satan does seek to kill and destroy anything that brings You glory, I must also believe that he seeks to kill and destroy me and the purposes you have ordained for me. I am called by You!! I have been chosen to know You, to love You and understand that You alone are God! (Isaiah 43:10). This well beaten path is a stronghold where Satan can drag me in. I even go willingly because that comforting feeling is so validated by this world. I'm not smart enough, pretty enough or just plain good enough. I'm not lovable. I'm not worth anyone's time or attention. These lies swim around and even as I write them, Daddy, my heart is shattering piece by small piece. They each fall with a resonating thud because each has weight i nmy heart. They echo my own thoughts of myself. This is how I see me? This is how I perceive myself? And I'm sad to say that it is. Tonight anyway. And how many countless nights in the past...

Now that I've begun down this road I find it hard to bring myself to the truth. Jesus died to bring me life abundant in unbroken relationship with God. he redeemed me that I might seek after Him and be WITH Him. He finds me lovely and beautiful. In Jesus, I am a jewel and a fragrant aroma. Because of Jesus, I am a Beloved of God. He is the Lover of my soul and the Giver of my dreams. Why would I choose that familar path when this one has so much more potential!! I know where that path leads. I've lived there for over a decade. I know how it ends. Continuing on that path means heartbreak. Each time I go that way I get closer to the final walk. What if I can't climb out this time? What if I find I don't want to? What if I lose sight of who I am truly in Christ? We both know the answer to that what if...

But tonight, I'm saying no. No to despair. No to darkness. No to the demons trying to pierce me again and again with their arrows of self-hatred. Tonight I say YES to You!! I am broken and I am weary. I am tired of this path and this constant result. I am hurting and sad. but I have Your arms around me. You walk beside me. You walk through it with me. And in that truth, I rest. I settle into Your Sovereign presence and nestle in Your arm as You cry with me. And I will wake tomorrow and walk with You and see Your glory. I will not be discouraged from the life You have assigned to me. I will walk with You, maybe a little tired and timidly, but I will walk with you. I am Yours and I am in love with You. There is nothing but You that this heart beats for. So, God, hold me close tonight and keep me safe. Safe from Satan, from demons, from myself. Gently lay me to rest in Your presence...

To my readers: This is my God. A God of love and comfort. I've been struggling with depression and relationships and other related issues for so many years I cannot even try to explain. But I know this tonight-I'm done running and hiding. God saved while I was yet a sinner. He reached out to me when I was screwed up and far from perfect. So bearing my brokenness to Him tonight is like a refreshing rain. And His withholding of my desire is not a bad thing to me. No, He's warned me time and again that this is a god in my life and I need to throw it out. Tonight, I feel that pain acutely and I realize He's saying, "Get rid of it! Seriously, I am not joking around!! You are playing with a dangerous fire by keeping these feelings lurking about, ready to jump in when something doesn't go the way you want. I've spoken to you about this and you know My answer, now let me continue My work in you and through you. I have the master plan and I know the path to get you where I need you to be. Let me guide you and shape you and along the way I will show you how much I love you, my Beloved."

He is the God of love; gentle love when He's comforting, tough love when our sin breaks our relationship with Him, honest love when we bear our true hearts and souls and passionate love to see us to the finish line. May you walk in His love tonight...

Overwhelmed

2007-05-21T23:01:00.001-05:00

There are few words that strike my heart like the word overwhelmed. Sometimes it's a negative thing and other times it's a passionately good thing. Tonight it's good.

I've been in KC this week and while visiting the IHOP a song was sung that goes something like this:
'Though I'm poor, You say I'm lovely. Though I'm dark, You say I'm beautiful. Somehow my weakness has overwhelmed You. Somehow my weak love has ravished Your heart.'

Not sure on that last phrase but if you've been to IHOP you know how hard it can at times to understand the words exactly. Anyway.

I met with the Lord, my Lover-God this weekend. There are many things in my heart tonight but the word I need to get out is overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed by the pure love and desire of God to know His Bride wholly and for His Bride to know His heart. I am overwhelmed by God's broken heart over His rebellious people. I am overwhelmed by God's passionate pursuit of me.

Jeremiah 2 speaks of God's people doing two evil things: 1-they have abandoned God, the Living Water, 2-they have dug for themselves cracked cisterns which carry no water. I read this thinking of people I know of who are filling the places in their lives intended for God with earthly things. Waters that do not quench. And suddenly it hit me that this is me too. What things do I try to quench my thirst with? Relationships, job, even ministry. But the fact is that nothing CAN quench the thirst aside from God. He ALONE is God, my living water.

Airport Walking

2007-05-19T14:40:00.000-05:00

So I'm chilling at the Mpls Airport today awaiting my connecting flight to KC. It is a huge airport (it seems like they all are to me). And of course my gate is somewhere in the next county. The sweet thing about these big airports is the walking strip you can ride to get somewhere faster. As I was gliding my way down the concourse, this wonderful feeling erupted in me. I am so effectively moving right now!! (note-not ride/walking as I write. That would be a very dangerous thing.) And as usually happens I see this spiritual parallel to this glorious sensation. My destination is truly eternity but while I'm here my passion is seeing people love God and for them to realize how in love with them God is. As I cruise along stumbling through life, I wish I had a walk strip that would somehow make me more effective. LOVE That's the walk strip. When I genuinely, honestly, wholly love
people; I become a display of His love!! A) I love who I am because I'm not being selfish.
B) People are loved. C) People realize they ARE lovable and thus it is possible that God loves them even in their broken and needy state. D) and ultimately, I am investing in eternity because that kind of love lives on eternally.

May we all utilize this deperately needed walk strip as we continue our striding towards the Lover-God of our hearts...

I am a Rockstar...

2007-04-20T08:07:00.000-05:00

Do you ever think about being a rockstar? Maybe you play a mean air guitar. Or sing very loudly in your car (Note: if this is you, remember to roll your window up before serenading everyone next to you at the stoplight, just a personal observation from my own "I totally sound like Madonna!!" days). Does Guitar Hero, or even the thought of playing, excite you to no end because you know you can rock out and be legit while doing it and you're not just crazy? Then yes-you too must be a rockstar.

At last night's Skillet concert here in Fargo, I had the opportunity to rock out just a bit and it renewed a longing in my heart I have never really pursued. The desire to be a rocker chick. Now, I must preface with this note, I have no musical talent. When I was younger I always hoped to get really good at the viola and dreamed of playing electric viola in a rock band. When I graduated, my parents gave me a guitar for my present. I still wonder if they just misheard my "I want a car" and instead heard "I want a guitar." So, I did my best to teach myself guitar and I got some of the basics, but nowhere near the level I would need to be a rockstar or even lead youth group worship. It comes down to my ever present underlying issue of self-control.

Self-control is by far the worst thing I deal with because I don't have it. At all. Seriously, none. I didn't have enough self-control in this case to practice. And thus, my dreams of rock and roll have been stunted. But, after seeing chick rockers in action, I feel that burning desire to go pick up my guitar and play. Well, I also have a desire to get another tattoo, but that isn't really what this is about...

What this all brings about is a question in my mind about who I am and where I am in my life. This week has been especially tough. There is this job that I figure I'm perfect for. It's youth, it's ministry, it's focus is teen girls. I'm a teen girl at heart and love ministry! It's perfect for me!! But there are many many voices in my world saying "No." This disheartens me and I have to step back reeling asking myself - Who am I? What am I doing with my life? Where am I going? I think, for me, this question can be answered in a short but sweet phrase - "As for you, follow me." (John 21:22). It's harder than you tihnk to just be still. Especially when you are a planner and you want to know what to expect and how to prepare best. I think on things(whether money, men or material) and figure I know what's best for me, how it could work out, when it should happen. But isn't this ultimately taking away from the joy and adventure of following God? What I'm doing is removing His sovereignty and replacing it with mine. Yes, I have free will, but I want HIS will, not my human attempt.

So today, I am choosing to continue to be still and settle into the course. If I think about it, it's a lot like white water rafting. The course is set and it isn't always smooth sailing, but there's a direction. The current will pull me along it if I just allow it to. I will have to work hard to stay on course and not flip my raft, but it's really a constant pull in the right direction. I find myself trying to go back up the stream though and it's hard but sometimes I really push for it and I have to be reminded that when I'm looking back or around, I miss what's ahead of ME. I lose sight of the path I'm riding down. May I be focused up and ahead on the Creator of the course and the current of my heart.

When is faith enough?

2007-04-13T11:38:00.000-05:00

I just read this article on how we shouldn't rely so heavily on the open door/closed door philosophy of prayer. The article says Satan loves to close and open doors at his will so we need to trust in what God has placed within our heart. If we know that God wants us to do something, that He's designed us to do it, then we need to pursue it and be persistent about it. So-armed with this new insight, I cannot help but wonder at my own circumstances. I really feel like I know what God has for me. And I have asked and asked and asked-talk about persistent! Yet, I am still without. Should this be a sign it is a closed door? At least right now? How do you give something up if you think it's truly just a "not now" response? I mean, if it's not now, you still think it will be sometime in the future, so you keep hope alive when maybe it would be less cruel to just let it die for the time being. I'm not good at this. As a matter of fact, this is the thing I am worst at. I know God sees my heart and I know He sees my circumstance and He knows what I want. But I can't help but feel slightly disappointed that again it's no, at the very least a not now. God-if it's not to be, take it away completely, I'm too destructive to myself. For my sake, close the door completely and guard my heart from the pain I know is coming with this prayer...

2007-04-11T10:27:00.001-05:00

I probably don't need yet another way to be dependant on my microuniverse phone, but I cannot resist : )

11:30 PM Tuesday, what the heck?!?

2007-04-10T23:35:00.000-05:00

Does time ever escape you? You think it's a nice quiet evening and then something happens and suddenly it's ripped away with stuff to do. And then you realize it's almost midnight and you should go to bed. But-there's so much in your head and fingertips that needs to get out before you can.

For me, writing is a way of releasing some sort of emotional energy. I am acutely aware of the fact that almost no one gets to see these desperate words begging for someone, anyone to notice but I must write or it will just fester. So-sorry for those that do read this :) My sincere apologies for what is about the spew forth...

I really love Anberlin. Tonight I'm listening to this awesome song called "The Unwinding Cable Car". The chorus goes like this: "This is the correlation between salvation and love/Don't drop your arms/I'll guard your heart/With quiet words I'll lead you in" To me, it speaks of this intimate relationship. God is truly the correlation between salvation and love - He gave us salvation that we might know love, His love. It also speaks of His urgency in His call on my life. This si all speculation for this evening mind you and tomorrow I'm sure it'll mean something else. But tonight, tonight it means "Cass-please, please come to Me. Let Me guard you and love you and show you what I want for you!!" There's this desperation. Not that God is desperate for me, but me for Him. I'm utterly lost without Him. Yet, I run from His call. I run because I want something "more" than what He has for me right now. That more could be satisfying for today and maybe even tomorrow, but is it what I really want if it's not centered in God? If I have to manipulate and worry and cry is it really something I can claim glorifies God? Which is what I hold out as the point of my life, right? So-why do I try so hard to chase this illusion? Why do I run so fast from the life I know God wants for me? Honestly, can anyone tell me why we as humans are so dang terrified of God's plan?!? Why would we run if we know, we KNOW that He loves us? All of us? Every piece of us...

Why am I running? Why is my heart growing harder and harder again? Don't let me fall again, Father!

Don't drop your arms/I'll guard your heart/With quiet words I'll lead you in...

Springtime Comes

2007-04-10T10:22:00.000-05:00

I am having a hard time believing today that we will get inches and inches of snow. It's April! But then I see the parallel in my own life. Much like we rarely get a break in the weather department, I rarely get a break in the endurance department. Once, a long time ago, I prayed for patience. I prayed to be more peaceful. And now-well let's just say, be careful when you pray that.

God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him ~ James 1:12

Now, I really have nothing to complain about here. But I am in amazement of the work God has done in me. When I first prayed this prayer I was hoping it would get me somewhere quicker. You know, if I follow the formula I get what I want. But, nothing ever really did happen the way I had hoped it would. Let's fast forward to today though...

Today I woke up with a peace and joy in my heart I rarely enjoy. It's not a spring out of bed feeling or a smile the day away joy. No, this is a more subtle kind of thing. It's a deep thing. A rooted experience. No, today I woke up and I knew that no matter what today brings or what yesterday didn't I would be perfectly content and okay. Even though I may not enjoy my work or things may not happen the way I would hope or ministry is not as fruitful as I would like. Even though I think I'm missing things I should have. No-today I woke up and I knew I was exactly who I should be, exactly where I am and exactly how much God loves me. And that, my friends, is a good thing. When I finally rest on this, I have found what I need and I know I need nothing else. If I am with God where He is, I am where I need to be. And I am joyful in this. Amen

At best it's been a vapor...

2007-04-03T21:36:00.000-05:00

I'm in a place between humbled and despair. It's a darker place yet not entirely bad. I'm struck by the life I have lived thus far and the temporary gods I've chased to no avail. Even if I achieved what I strived to do, the races have long since been forgotten. Misty Edwards sings in her song, "Life has been a vapor, at best it's been a vapor." Do I want to live my life to see it pass on the wind or do I want to leave an eternal legacy behind when I go? If I were to answer with my heart, it's all about legacy. However, my mind and probably hormones say I want something that will please for todayand probably tomorrow, but in the end-is eternity affected?

Square One

It comes back again... The dreaded issue plaguing me all my life. The ever elusive loneliness that lurks in the dark reaches of my heart. Tonight it began as I watched TV alone and the snow storm raged outside my window. It would seem each time I let God have my heart fully, He answers these small miracle prayers only to make me want more and then I end up back where I began wanting what I cannot have - at least not yet. I never understand why I can't just take things at their face value and be happy with that. Why is contentment such a hard thing? It's nights like tonight that I fall asleep to lies and pre-recorded tapings of how and why exactly I am alone. I hate nights like tonight...

Redeemed

2007-03-26T15:25:00.000-05:00

I had a busy week/month. Wow. As it nears the end of March I am looking back to see what happened in my life this month. Well, I don't have all day so I'll cut to the chase. Love.

Love happened to me. True love. Holy love. Redemptive love. Love for others. Love for God. Love for me. Love, love, love.... What a lovely thing.

I can honestly and truly say I am more content today than I have ever been. True contentment is not getting what you want but understanding how much you already have. Okay-I stole that from a Joshua Harris video but it's true. Another quote: Believe that God is not withholding any good thing from you that you should have. Think about that for a moment. I have EVERYTHING I need right now. By God's hand and plan. Wow.

The love part comes in when I look at the things I've seen happen this month. IHOP was great and I learned a lot about growing the roots of God's love deep into my heart. I love it when I tell people this cuz my voice makes this sound like a grunt to emphasize the word "deep" and my fingers push down to demonstrate the roots pushing down into the soil. Funny, I didn't realize I was doing that until I just typed it and tried to do it at the same time. :) I've learned about love in guy stuff as always. God will love me far beyond this world and this time. Why would I want to seek anything less than His love? Love has shown up in preparations for youth ministry stuff too as I see God use me in the lives of students. But the clincher comes in a story of a man called by God to marry a prostitute...

Hosea and Gomer. I absolutely love this story because it is such a powerful picture of God's love. So Hosea is a prophet and God tells him to marry a prostitute as an illustration of God's love for Israel, the ever wavering nation He has chosen for Himself. But what I am struck by is the imagery of the marriage relationship we enter into as believers of Jesus Christ. When we trust in Him as Savior and begin that relationship we are entering into a covenant relationship that is not meant to be taken so lightly! I am so flippant with my relationship to God. I sin and I pray for forgiveness and move along. Almost no retribution or remorse. He's a forgiving God right? But I don't look at the heartbreak and pain it truly does cause. In the story of Hosea we see him running after Gomer, buying her back with everything he has, loving her unconditionally. Don't you just want to say "Stop! Let her go, she's never gonna be faithful. She's not worth it." We want to say that because we see her problem and she's not willing to change. She's not even understanding why Hosea would keep coming after her. She doesn't deserve a man like him. What does she deserve? We think she deserves the lifestyle she's chosen for herself. Admit it, we often see people and their "issues" and say they made their own grave now they must lie in it. It's cold and heartless but we think it. Or I do anyway.

But remember this story is an illustration of God and Israel (read: believers/followers of God). Instead of rejecting Gomer and leaving her Hosea continues to buy her back and love her. In the same way, God chooses not to reject us but redeem us. And He does so with the blood of Jesus, the ultimate price. God wants to be in relationship with us so much He paid the price in His Son. Yet, I am constantly whoring myself out to other things. And He brings me back and loves me again... Oh God, why do you love me like this?

The Lord says,
“Then I will heal you of your faithlessness;
my love will know no bounds,
for my anger will be gone forever.
I will be to Israel
like a refreshing dew from heaven.
Israel will blossom like the lily;
it will send roots deep into the soil
like the cedars in Lebanon.
Its branches will spread out like beautiful olive trees,
as fragrant as the cedars of Lebanon.
My people will again live under my shade.
They will flourish like grain and blossom like grapevines.
They will be as fragrant as the wines of Lebanon.

“O Israel, stay away from idols!
I am the one who answers your prayers and cares for you.
I am like a tree that is always green;
all your fruit comes from me.”

-Hosea 14:4-8 (NLT)

Life After Retreat

2007-03-14T11:39:00.000-05:00

I am home from my retreat/conference in Kansas City. There's always a struggle when you get home from these kinda of things. You learn so much and God opens your heart to what you need to incorporate into your DAILY life. It's the daily part that gets me. Let's look at this week...
I was really impacted by a couple of things from the Passion for Jesus conference. One was my inability to love well. Whether it's loving God, others or even myself. I do not love well because I just assume everything will be taken away from me. Which, to be honest, it will, right? Someday we'll be in eternity (if you know Jesus as Savior) and all of this temporary crap will be gone. Although, there is something to be said for relationships that will stretch into eternity. However, I assume it/they will be gone so why hold them tight. I really see this as a good thing. My focus and purpose is on heavenly things and I do not hold onto that which will remain here. This makes it hard for me to love thoroughly though. For example-someday (God willing!) I want to get married. but if this trend continues, will I hold my spouse so loosely? What about my kids? Is it good or bad to do this?!? I don't know, but I know God wants me to love with His heart for people.
Second thing was time in the Word. Spending time understanding God's heart through His word and getting to know His Son Jesus through the Word. Already this week, I've missed a day and I haven't done today's study yet either. Not a good track record...

So how do we do it? Bring our hearts full back with us to our daily lives? I think we just set our focus on it. I make many choices in my day that I claim I couldn't help, but really-with a bit of willpower and strength-I can do anything through Christ who strengthens me. So-I press on toward the goal and hope that God is doing a work to change me and shape me into the creature He intended when He formed me.

Letting go

2007-03-03T00:03:00.000-06:00

Do you make soundtracks? Maybe specific playlists for specific purposes? I made a new playlist tonight. Let go... That's the title of my new playlist. And it's a kind of sad playlist, but it's good. After last weekend's realization that I must die that I might live for God, I am aware of how much of me exists in my daily thought life and life in general. Now, I'm not getting rid of my identity or who I was created to be, but I am trying to watch what I feed on to bring me that identity. Am I truly pursuing God in order to be developed into what he wants, or do I pursue what I want to be? The "ideal" me?

Tonight, it's my single state that has me writing. There is so much of me in my pursuit of "love". And I am not really pursuing in the chasing men sense of the word. It's really a thought life geared towards being half of a couple like everyone else (or so it seems to anyone who struggles with this). As I was listening to my soundtrack I understand that this is my desire, not His. Will He eventually bring someone? Honestly, I don't think so. To be fair, that may be my pessimistic idea that I'm unwanted which probably stretches back to my relationship with my father, but for the purpose of this blog I'll explain my thoughts. When I look at this area of my life, there is only pain and bondage and despair. There is no joy in my life connected to men. None. In the case of friends, yes-there's joy. But not in the romantic sense of it. Which leads me to conclude that maybe I want something that I can never attain. I want it but God knows I'm not designed for it and thus find no pleasure in it. Does that make sense?

This idea means a change for me. I actually embrace change. Change brings hope. Hope brings life and new dreams. I desperately need new dreams....

It's a lot like Christmas

2007-03-01T10:44:00.000-06:00

Knowing people read this blog occasionally actually keeps me aware of what I write, but today it's all heart. I struggle with "daydreaming" we'll call it for lack of a better term. Whether it's what it would be like to be a writer for a profession or a photographer or married-I dream about it. Or I did. I realized about two weeks ago this was a problem for me. I was living in my own world of what could happen instead of God's appointed world in which I am living. So, a friend and I have been keeping me accountable to guard my heart and thoughts. And I fell off the wagon a little last night.

Now, do not get me wrong, these are relatively innocent thoughts. I don't struggle terribly with sexual lust, at least not anymore. They are more of a coveting lust. And the fact that I do this actually plays right into how I'm designed as an organized (sometimes freakishly so) Type A person. If I can control the dream, I can control the outcome and thus my life. This past weekend God had a word for me about this whole cycle of processing and controlling and failing and starting again. The word was "DIE". Die to yourself. You know you can't be perfect or cause anyone else to be either. Let Me shape you, refine you, define you. Let Me "fix" you. I can grow in you everything I want you to be. Stop putting up walls and quit making 7-step programs for yourself. Just die to you, and live for Me.

Such a good word. And that plays into my next realization. I was commenting to someone about how we anticipate good things when we see what we really want. I mentioned it's like Christmas. You know what you want, and it looks like the boxes are about the right size, but the true joy comes in ripping the wrapping paper off and finally coming face to face with your desire. It's yours finally!! And we can begin appreciating what we wanted fully. But, I see in my life that I too quickly substitute what I truly want (i.e.-Godly man/husband, artistic yet communicative job, chocolate) with what I see available instead (daydreams, legal job, coffee with creamer). If I would just wait in anticipation for what I know I want, and let God move me towards it-wouldn't I be that much more excited about it? Why do I simply lie down and take what I can get instead of fighting for what I want?

Now-I am not literally fighting for these things (though maybe for the chocolate). I am fighting my own heart in a sense though. By stopping the coveting and the compromise and the general dissatisfaction in my spirit I am fighting for the joy God extends to me as a result of my relationship with Him. It wouldn't be a Cass blog without a scripture right?

“Now I am coming to you. I told them many things while I was with them in this world so they would be filled with my joy. I have given them your word. And the world hates them because they do not belong to the world, just as I do not belong to the world. I’m not asking you to take them out of the world, but to keep them safe from the evil one. They do not belong to this world any more than I do. Make them holy by your truth; teach them your word, which is truth. Just as you sent me into the world, I am sending them into the world. And I give myself as a holy sacrifice for them so they can be made holy by your truth. I am praying not only for these disciples but also for all who will ever believe in me through their message.

~John 17:13-20

May we fight the good fight for our joy friends...

Happy Valentine's Day... from God!

2007-02-14T10:08:00.000-06:00

I woke up this morning and it slowly seeped into this singleton's mind that it's THE day, V-Day. As I ran my heart out this morning at the gym and read I didn't think much of it. As I got dressed in my pink shirt and necklace and got out the door, I thought about what we'd look at for Bible Study today. But as I was driving to work down 45th it hit me: the sunshine, the glistening snow, the love. Right there, I knew in my heart, my Valentine had given me the greatest gift-Jesus. He continued to shower me with beautiful things like sunshine and joy. All this may seem slightly Hallmark-ish, but it's so very true for me today. On this day I generally dread because I've never had a "true valentine", I am realizing instead that I have the best one. Why do we struggle with being single and alone on Valentine's Day? I think it's because we fear that if we don't have someone tangible, we have not been chosen as someone special, worthy of attention or affection. Chosen. That's the key word for me. I want so badly to be "the One" for some guy to choose out of all the other girls, and because that hasn't happened I feel like maybe I'm just not that special. But the truth is this:

But now, O Jacob, listen to the Lord who created you. O Israel, the one who formed you says, “Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine... Others were given in exchange for you. I traded their lives for yours because you are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you. ~Isaiah 43:1, 4

He chose ME. He pursued ME. He sent Jesus for ME... He loves me, more than any person here on earth can. Because He knows my heart and He knows my weakness and yet He loves me. He loves me, He loves me, He loves me. My heart-He knows my heart's desires and yearnings and passions, He placed them there in the delicate creation of who I am. I'm such a girl, but I need to know it. I'm worth something to my heavenly Husband, I'm worth Jesus. My heavenly Bridegroom God desires me, He wants to know me, He wants to bless me and grow me and cherish me... What more do I need and what could a man give that would be better than knowing that? God's love for me is eternal and unchanging, He will never stop pursuing me. How romantic and lovely... :)

(By the way-guys out there, God loves you like this too but it might sound a bit more like this; "I (grunt) you know really appreciate your strength and desire to be a warrior for My cause. Man-I took a cross for you, buddy!")

Ok. I'm done. No more.

2007-02-12T16:56:00.000-06:00

Is there something in the water? Today marks the fourth engagement for friends I am close to within the last 2 months... AND it's Valentine's Day week. Could it get worse? Never mind, I know it could...

Argh!

2007-02-12T13:42:00.000-06:00

Is there really any explanation for bad days? I am having one and I want to know why gosh darn it!? There are of course many things that could factor into this particular bad day: I have a lot of junk to do at work that I am completely unqualified and unprepared for, everything around me is red and pink, I got almost no sleep last night, it's Monday, etc... But I am really starting think this world just really really hates me. Oh. Wait, it does... John 15:8-9 "If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. " That's right, my day is really really terrible because this world isn't mine. I don't fit. I'm a stranger. Whew-hallelujah. Problem answered, though not completely solved...

There is no title.

2007-02-11T16:41:00.000-06:00

Today marks a good day and yet a hard day. I am studying through James 4 and I realize it is so good.

"You want what you don’t have, so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous of what others have, but you can’t get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them. Yet you don’t have what you want because you don’t ask God for it. And even when you ask, you don’t get it because your motives are all wrong—you want only what will give you pleasure. You adulterers! Don’t you realize that friendship with the world makes you an enemy of God? I say it again: If you want to be a friend of the world, you make yourself an enemy of God." ~James 4:2-4 (NLT)

Now-allow me to clarify. I do not live for this world. As Caedmon's Call so eloquently says, "This world has nothing for me and this world has everything/all I could want and nothing that I need". But some days, it's so very difficult to distinguish between God's small, still voice and the ever louder voice of this world that twists truth just enough to make me believe it is still truth when it's deceit.
A current example of this. I have felt like I should change churches. There are no opportunities for me to teach from my heart here. There are too many hoops to jump through to get into leadership. There are no dating prospects who don't already know me and think I'm such a great friend they wouldn't want to date me (okay-this is the least of my issues, I do realize. Be assured I am not basing this move on this at all:)) So I think through these things and yes-I love my church and would like to stay, but part of me can't help but think that maybe I am allowing myself to just get too comfortable. Maybe I do need to move to another church to continue growing God's gift of teaching. Or am I simply passively moving by doing that? What's the answer and why can't I simply just be still in His presence and allow Him to speak to me?? These verses bring realization to me in the form of discerning my motives. As we know by now, I can sometimes allow my singlehood to make decisions for me, so is this a factor? I do not seek fame normally, but is there a small part me that would kind of like to be a youth ministry hero? Is there something I am running from in my current situation? All of these thoughts dance back and forth in my mind and I get more and more anxious about not seeing God's hand in it the longer I think....
What's the answer? Can anyone help me??

Passion and Purpose

2007-02-03T16:27:00.000-06:00

As I look back on the past few months and even years of my life, I realize one thing has ruled my mind and something entirely different has ruled my heart. My mind and will want ministry while my heart has been seeking after relationships. This is reflected in what I spend my time meditating on, spend my money on, talk about, cry about and read about. While I have loved ministry and know that God has a place in His story for me to play a part, I have neglected to develop that which is my purpose and should be my passion.

Today I was at a seminar for parents and youth leaders and the presenter spoke about issues relating to teens in our world today and how we can lead them into a life seeking to make godly choices. As I sat there and learned about things I see each week I am with students, I realized that I want to be a part of leading this next generation to a place where they can make a difference in this broken world for God's kingdom. I want to see students and families restored. I want to speak prophetically into the lives of young adults and see God's hand moving in their lives. All of a sudden this passion rose up in me and I saw myself poured out for God's kingdom. Just for Him. And I realized that this is not a new vision. No, I've been working with youth since 1998. Almost 10 years!?! What happened to my passion for youth? I get excited about them when I see growth. I say I want to be a light in their dark worlds. And I have wanted that for a long time. But why haven't I ever been this passionate about it?

The answer is I have chosen not to develop and cultivate this particular calling. I realize today that I fall back on my single status as a crutch for allowing myself to be downhearted, broken and vulnerable. This thinking is comfortable because the world can justify it. We live in a coupled world. Being single is not the norm, at least not for a long period of time. If I am single, this world says there is something wrong and I need to work on fixing it until it's right. So I buy books and talk about it and blah blah blah. I have been pouring into this part of my life because this world says it's not right and I need to look more like the world. Even the Christian world upholds marriage and relationships as the purpose in our lives after God. And while I do believe in my heart that someday I will have a family, I also know in my heart that this life I have needs to be lived out for God and Him alone. I can do that today by pursuing this purpose He has called me to and make it my passion.

I am coming to understand that the great speakers are the ones who speak with passion and zeal for their topics. Whether it's a salesman who knows, uses and loves his product or a religious zealot who feels called by his deity-they will be passionate about their case because they believe in it with their whole hearts. For me, this journey to passion begins with reading. I read a lot. And if we look at what I've been reading lately, we see it all stems from my desire for a relationship. However, I have many books on youth ministry as well. yet they sit collecting dust until I finish yet another book on how God loves me and I don't need a man but here's how you can get one. I'm going to start my new journey with "The Seven Checkpoints".

As I start actively seeking God's desire for me to reach this broken generation, may I be sensitive to the needs and dreams of those I come in contact with. May I cry out to God for passion beyond my imaginaton to intercede for and speak into the lives of these students. May I encourage and uplift those who cross my path. May I understand and see them with the eyes of Jesus. I am waiting, Lord. Break me, shape me, refine me, use me.

Random Quote for Discussion

2007-02-01T21:58:00.000-06:00

"Love involves us, but it's not about us" ~Jason Illian (Undressed)

Hmm, it makes me think, but what do you think?

Oh February, must you come?

2007-02-01T07:18:00.000-06:00

So it is February, a month I usually hate. But after the longest month of my life, it is a welcome change. Why do we get excited about the changing months? I always get excited to start a new habit or diet or whatever but really it's just another day in another year. This blog-not about months though really.

I am sick today. Physically as well as spiritually/emotionally as I am figuring out. Physically those gross green glob-men from the Mucinex commercial have taken up residence in MY lungs now. It's horrible-feel very badly for me and send me chocolate.

On the other note though, I have been struggling with the same issue throughout the month of January. Mainly a "guy thing". As in, I kind of want one but am not mature enough to have one. If you don't know me, when it comes to this arena, I am a 15 year old girl. And since I am actually 26 that is a problem. Other aspects of life-I am quite mature, some would say beyond my years even. But there's this part of my heart that just doesn't shine the joy and love of Jesus like the rest. My question is why? Why is this the hardest thing in the world for me? There are plenty of things for me to pray for-my family's salvation, my ministry, my job, world peace (i was started to sound a little self-absorbed there). Yet, when I come to God with my heavy heart-it's always the same prayer "When is it my turn to have a relationship?"

The rumor on the street is that when I stop looking, I will find him. I'm not looking. I haven't really for a long time, like a year! I cannot help it when good Godly men are placed in my path however. It is here that the problem begins. I mean why would God bring them around if not to bless me and give me that relationship, right? As I am slowly figuring out after this month of torment, the answer to that question is there are a ton of reasons He will put them in my path. One-they need to hear the Word. Two-they need to be encouraged. Three-their parents accidentally hired a psychopath. I could continue but I think you get the idea. So I guess, now that I recognize that guys are humans with needs as well, I can just simply love them like the brothers they are. If only it were that simple for me. This sad, dark little corner in my heart where all this takes place refuses to give up the need to throw my heart foolishly into whoever is passing by. There is no reason, no strategy, no restraint. It's just the reaction that happens when they happen by!! Very frustrating, yet how do I reign it in? How do I fix it?

I did a series in youth group on Edmund from "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe" (aka Narnia, both a book series and a movie). The story of Edmund is interesting because when we look at this allegorical movie we want to be any character but Edmund. Sweet Lucy who finds Narnia, wise Susan who has a motherly instinct, brave and courageous Peter who battles for the land of Narnia. Anyone but Edmund who constantly baits his little sister and disregards any instruction given to him. Edmund follows Lucy into Narnia one night and is met by the White Witch/Queen of Narnia. This lady is bad news. She sees him and finds out he could possibly be a piece of the prophecy that, if fulfilled, would result in her downfall. She begins to draw him to herself by offering him a piece of Turkish Delight and a warm drink. Edmund takes the bait. It was just a small bit of Turkish Delight and what could that hurt? Before we know it though, we see Edmund betraying his family and friends, running alone and eventually captured and jailed. All in pursuit of just a bit more Turkish Delight. The scene with Edmund in jail shackled and desolate breaks my heart. I am that distraught boy. I have sought after my own "Turkish Delight" (relationships, popularity, etc) and instead of the joy and peace I hoped it would bring landed myself with the shackles of guilt and emptiness as I look at what I had done in the pursuit of these things.

Today I am again faced with the truth that I am gearing myself up to continue this sad addiction. James 1:13-16 says:

13When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; 14but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. 15Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. 16Don't be deceived, my dear brothers.

My Turkish Delight is this desire for a relationship. It's not a "bad" thing necessarily, I will someday get married I'm sure. But how do I kill temptation and leave room for God to bring that desire into my life? I know what I must do but I don't want to do it. Surrender. Trust that God knows what the plan is. Finally just give this corner of my heart to Him and watch as He shatters and destroys the idols and altars I have been storing there. It hurts, it's heart-wrenching. But so necessary to give Him room to do what He wants with this corner. I just pray I'll know when the right "decor" passes by.

I guess that's what faith is about huh? Stopping yourself so God can do His work. He will give me what He desires for me and that has to be better than this crazy heart-throwing dance I am doing currently. Since I am desperately vulnerable and honest with all of my readers, you must all think I'm a psycho now. While that my be true in this area, know that I am not in most others. I hope you'll still be my friend. :)

Confusion reigns when faith falters...

2007-01-30T00:01:00.000-06:00

I've written about being actively still v. passively moving. I am constantly amazed at how quickly I forget what God shows me.
I began contemplating moving this weekend. And there is a thrill of the new and exciting and what could happen. But as I processed through I realized I was running. Life wasn't happening according to my will here in Fargo, so Minneapolis must be a better place to foster my dreams and ambitions. How interesting that I would believe that? I know for a fact that changing your circumstances rarely changes your heart in matters like this. It also reminds me that there's a bigger plan at work and I don't want to hinder that. I want to be where God is. A verse that pops out to me is this:

Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever (Psalm 73:25-26 NLT).

It continues to remind me that no matter how feeble or wavering my heart is, God is my strength. And my weakness in this case is the desire to run from a job that constantly brings me tears and yet draws me to higher places with the Lord, flee from ministry goals unfulfilled, sprint wildly from a lonely apartment with potential infestation and gun carrying residents. As I look on these things, I realize God has been whispering to me all this time, "I am your strength, give me your heart because I know what to do with it. I know how to grow you, Cassandra. I know how to love you and keep you safe. Why would you desire anything more than that?" I confess, sometimes I think I know what would be best. I think I can pick out the right place or time or person. When I do that though, I take the pen away from the story God wants to write. Wouldn't life be more poetic, beautiful, more everything if it were written by Him? Why would I choose anything besides Him? He created my heart and my desires. He knew the tapestry had a plan long before I showed up. Why must I continue grabbing that pen? At one point last week I simply said, "I'm done." If I truly am, He is in control then. It's a choice I must make to give Him back His authority in my life. I choose to step down off this throne and let Him reign. When He is in the seat of authority in my life, my life becomes a reflection of who He is. And that is ultimately my desire, to be a reflection of my Lover, my joy, my Savior. As the saying goes-I may be the only Bible some will ever read...

uh

2007-01-25T20:26:00.000-06:00

I think that sums it up. Uh. It's not bad necessarily, but it's definitely not good. I had a revelatory thought yesterday that is kinda blowing my mind. I'm done-I surrender.
I am at the end of me and I can't go any further. I have run out of resources and strength. I'm broken. I'm tired. I'm weak. But... I'm Yours. And by that I mean God's. I don't often feel like this. Broken, yes. Tired, yes. But defeated? No, not usually. But this world we're living in isn't easy. It's a world of hurt people and shiny things. The other thing this world has is an endless supply of things to waste time... Like facebook and blogging :) Where was I going with this? Oh yes...
I'm done. The beautiful thing about being done is that now-there's nothing but God. I don't really want to exist outside of His ways and Him. I was driving today and realizing that I am passionately in love with God. As I am hurting and sick inside, He sits beside me and holds my hand and tells me "You are mine, I have called you by name." When I'm crying and lonely He is there saying, "I am with you always. You are precious to me." As I lie down in peace and I can still hear Him speaking love to me beyond anything this world can fathom. Am I superChristian or something? No. But I do know that God is lovesick over me. He sent His son to die for me so I can be here, in His presence, without sin or shame. He is ravished by me. He is my Creator. He knows my heart and my head and everything... and YET He loves me.
Do you believe it? I can barely comprehend it, but I know in the deep part of my heart that it's true. How? Because when I look at my heart and my prayers and my life-I can't see anything good outside Him. All of the great things about me are because of Him. He is so patient with me!! Time and again I run to my high places and build my altars to false gods. Yet He draws me back and cleanses me again. I cry and scream that I don't want His way. Yet He holds me and heals me when I am broken and spent. Why do You love me this way God?!? How can You?!? But You do. And He loves you too...

These walls are good..

2007-01-22T19:39:00.000-06:00

I am currently reading this fabulous book called "Undressed". Yes, yes-it is a Christian singles book on how to get a date. No-actually, it's not about that. It's about our relationship with God. Really, isn't that relationship ultimately the Big One? But here's the thing. There's this story about what to do when you get lost. Apparently when we were kids we were told what to do. I have never had this conversation with my parents but that is another blog entirely. You are supposed to stay put when you get lost. Just stop where you are so that those who love you can find you. If you start moving around, even though you think you are helping, you are just making it harder for them to find you. The author equates this to our struggling with finding love. I see this on two levels really but let me elaborate. The concept being addressed is this: instead of being passively moving, be actively still. Can you remember the last time you were honestly still? I have been trying it over the last few days. Just sitting in the presence of God and being. not asking. not crying. not singing. Just being. It's weird. We get so caught up in doing for God we forget to BE with God. Yes-we should do what God has called us to do, but we can't fill anyone else unless we are filled. I was recently at a conference where they were using the story of the ten virgins as a picture of Christians today. 5 were fully prepared, they had their lamps and extra oil. 5 were foolish and brought only their lamps. When the time came that the 5 foolish ran out of oil, the 5 wise would not give them any of their oil. I used to think this was so mean. Why wouldn't you share!? But here's the fact, if we continue to pour out and pour out, eventually we need to refill. If we unwisely forget to bring more oil (forget to get filled ourselves) we will all end up in the dark.

Okay, that wasn't what I wanted to share actually. Let me know if you want that lesson though-I have it now!! :)

Back to the being still. What I realized was this: I am so consumed with being passively moving that I simply wander from one thing to the next thing to the next guy to the next lesson to the next whatever. I never stay in one place for long. I never stop. To be actively still requires stopping. It also requires letting go of the control I have when i am constantly moving. When I pick up my feet and go I go where I want and do what I want. Being actively still requires me to trust that God is going to do the moving. if I am still, if I stop-love will find me. Love will find me. God will begin to move. Because I'm simply resting in stillness waiting on Him. What a bizarre idea. Stop so you can be moved. As Misty Edwards says in one of her songs. This is an upside down inside out world. While this blog may seem to be a lament on my lonely single life, it's not. I'm kinda glad I'm not dragging someone else around with this :) It's more about the promise that God has been growing in me to be a messenger of the Word. I don't know what that looks like or what that means. but I am also runnign aroudn trying to be everything so maybe I'm just confused. So as I seek stillness, let's see what God does in the absence of me. By that I mean, what happens when we forget about ourself and let Him do the living? Could this dream be fulfilled? Could that other dream about being loved and loving be fulfilled? If the answer is YES-I want it to be God's YES, not mine...

Why?

2007-01-15T13:43:00.000-06:00

I realize no one really reads this but for those that might, this is simply a cry from my heart. I can't dance anymore. I feel like my life is just one big school dance; the popular kids hang out trying to spike the punch, there are people dancing, the computer geeks hover together trying to look at the latest tech magazine. And then there I am sitting by the wall. Waiting for my chance to dance. I keep trying to get up to dance and sometimes people even try to dance with me, but it's just not right. Something is just not quite right. So, finally I sit back down and try to just watch. All I really want is to leave the dance and go home. But apparently the dance is never over and I am just allowed to sit and watch. I realize this isn't a completely formed idea, but it's really my heart right now. So, I guess I will just have to smile and keep hoping that someday, someday I will dance better.

The Secret Life of Me

2006-12-09T17:48:00.000-06:00

Okay-I don't really have a secret life. But sometimes it feels like I'm simply playing a part. Granted the part I play is by God's design. The thing is when we see a movie or read a book, we can peg the characters and almost write the story based on our assumptions. Usually we're right too-especially if it's a chick lit book. So, I have determined that I am a certain character in my story. I'm the preacher girl who doesn't need anyone or anything to exist. Just her and her God. Which is awesome! But, this character never gets the guy. Really, she's the cool single girl with a cute apartment (even if it is a disaster zone) and massive amounts of books and insight. I love being that girl! I really love having people come to me cuz they know I'll speak the truth. I cherish that character that God is developing in me. But if I embrace that part of my character, must I be consigned to the other parts I don't cherish? Like being single, or aways stepping up when others won't? Can I change the character? I realize the truth is I am God's character in His story. It's not about me and maybe I just need to let go of the stuff in me that resists that. I'm so thankful He's a God who knows me-El Roi...

Why We Do Ministry

2006-11-27T12:45:00.000-06:00

As a youth worker I realize the hard times are sometimes more frequent than the joyful ones. But we signed up knowing this right? We knew God worked on His time schedule and that we are instruments. But what happens when you stop believing in this. When you start wondering about the Call. When you give up. We need to remember what we are really doing.

When the house is burning down, or the waves are too high to swim, or there’s no breath left-when these crisis situations are happening, don’t we trust in the firefighter, the rescue swimmer, or the paramedic? We do because we have hope they can save us and will. We trust they want to get us help and give us a better chance. When you see these stories in movies like Backdraft, The Guardian, or any number of rescue plots you just want to stand up and clap for their bravery and passion to save people. You’re inspired to be a better person, a more selfless person, a person with a mission. Wow. Even as I say this I am inspired to greater things.

Here’s the deal though. That’s us. We’ve been called to be that person for our students. They are lost. They might be struggling for life. They are definitely in dark places sometimes. And isn’t it wonderful when we see them growing? But sometimes things get hard. Sometimes they don’t grow like we’d hoped. Sometimes they rebel. We are fighting a very real battle for the souls of our students. We are here to help them see the light, reach for the impossible, train to be a warrior. But just like we want to trust that the firefighter is carrying us to safety we need to know that we are leading these guys to a God they can trust and lean on. Do you believe in that? Do you trust that God’s arms are the best place for them to be? Do you trust that His arms are the best place for you? Tough questions but without knowing the answer we blindly lead students to a place where there is a shaky foundation and their hope may not stand up to the crash if something falls.

And something always falls. It might be people making fun of them. It could be a divorce or a death or anything. When those times happen, what do they trust in to rescue them? We want them to fall on Jesus because He is the best place for them to be. But we need to KNOW that we are falling on Jesus when our world crashes. We are the team helping God seek out those lost in the sea. Some may be easier to reach than others, but He doesn’t want us to leave anyone. If we quit, who really loses? Because this isn’t really about us is it? No. It’s about Him. And He wants all of them. Sometimes we can’t get all of them, but our goal is getting those we can. He does the work, we just reach them. In the movie “The Guardian” there is a theme for the US Coast Guard that goes like this: “So others might live.” We do what we do so others might know this God and be saved. We do ministry because we believe that Jesus is the best possible solution. We trust God’s arms are the place we want to find ourselves when we are in crisis. He is what we are leading students towards for a better chance. He is our Rescue.

Way to go Joe!

2006-11-05T23:15:00.000-06:00

A bit about my current life... I have been insanely busy-which normally I enjoy. A week with one evening of no plans is a good week for me. So it's not the business that is eating away at the few nerves I have left. It's the pressure. Whether it's deadlines I can barely meet or the fact that my job getting done means everyone else still HAS a job-I have pressure. And there's no more give in my brain for more pressure! One more thing and I will explode, I promise. So, I taught this morning on Joseph and his character. Random segue, I think not. Joe had a lot he could have complained about. He was sold into slavery unjustly, he was thrown in prsion for standing up and staying pure, he was forgotten for 2 years when he asked someone to do him a favor. I'd say tough luck for Joe. But in his story we don't see any complaints. We don't see anger or bitterness or jealousy. We see Joe depending on God's perfect plan. As Christians we all know Romans 8:28 and I have always kinda liked it but figured it was Christianese fluff really. Do I truly believe in it? If I did, I would see my life a lot differently. If God truly does work all things for good to those who love Him, my circumstance right now is God working isn't it? It's not an unjust pressure or bad time management or any of these things I would like to complain about. It's God doing a work in me. We can't be pure until we're refined. So I guess I need to remember Joe this week and know that God's perfect plan is in place and He's just shining me up for His glory.

Life-what a trip!

2006-09-22T15:15:00.000-05:00

I always think I want to go somewhere cool for my honeymoon. As any of you out there who know me and are reading this, you know this is nowhere near happening anytime soon. But when I think about why I want to go somewhere cool on my honeymoon, I am struck by the fact that this life I lead right here right now is a already a trip. I may call this "reality", but reality happens everywhere we go. We cannot escape it. So why not make this my honeymoon? Despite obviously not having a honey for my honeymoon, I think I can still choose to experience life as if it were. Look at things with new awe and wonder, relish cozing up in my bed (sweet new duvet TOTALLY makes this possible), chill out talking while sipping a drink, etc. All the warm cozy feelings I envision being a part of that honeymoon can be found here with my friends and in my own home. If only I would choose to quit looking at my life as just reality and start seeing it for the beautiful miracle it is. And to be truthful, I do have a heavenly Honey walking with me as I live out this honeymoon. And wow! What a God He is!! So-here's to honeymooning in reality. I wonder if I can somehow rig room service?