How couldn't I see what I'd become? How did I not know what I looked like? Today my world crashed into a hard wall of reality and the pieces aren't fixing up real well. I feel a little shattered and bruised, but the truth was needed. Actually, it was even prayed for as I asked God to show me how to love Him more than those things I pray for. But, it still stings...
Have you ever had an experience like this? Someone you've known for an extended time speaks a hard truth into your life and you realize that you've been blind. Whether you just haven't seen what you've been doing because you're "too busy". Or you refuse to see it because it's what you hate about yourself. Or whatever it is that keeps you from realizing you are a messy human. We sure like our control don't we? We like to plan and map and make sure everything turns out just right. We want the storybook ending and the 2.5 children. Dang it-I want my white picket fence!! But we also want a God who plays by the rules and fulfills His part of the equation. I pray, I love people like Jesus (sometimes), I never get drunk, I follow the rules!! Why won't You?!?!
I so often forget that God isn't about rules. He's about hearts. He wants our hearts. Not our planners or our medals or our time even. He wants our hearts. And today I was struck smartly across the face with the realization that I've been visibly giving myself to something other than God. Apparently for years and years. And I got a picture of what I really look like to others. And it disgusted me to the core. Could that really be it? Could that really be what others perceive as my heart and intent and passion? Not Jesus? Why can't they see Jesus? And as I write that I realize they can't see Jesus for the neon lights screaming something entirely opposite of who Jesus was. I'm carrying the fragrance of something, but it's not Jesus... Reality - sometimes it's ugly and sometimes you can't just change and hope no one noticed. Cuz sometimes it's you and you can't be anyone other than you.....
6 years ago
